Relationship Rehab: My wife’s shocking sex confession

They’d been happily married for years when she confessed something that left their relationship in tatters and him devastated.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles a man whose wife has come out as asexual, a woman whose partner is married to his job and a husband complaining his wife has “let herself go”.

HELP! MY WIFE SAYS SHE’S ASEXUAL

QUESTION: My wife has told me that she is asexual (I think that is the right word) and wants nothing to do with me and has since left me after 38 years of marriage – 18 months later I am still hoping or am I wasting my time and should just get a divorce and get it over and done with? We are still friends but there is no affection from her at all – we have sold our house and both now renting in the same town and do see each other often, usually about once a week or so. Is there hope?

ANSWER: I occasionally hear women say they think they’re asexual, as they’ve lost their desire for sex, but only in rare cases do I find this to be true.

Asexuality is a sexual orientation where someone experiences little to no sexual desire. There are different kinds of asexuality – it’s often more helpful to think of it as a scale, rather than a defined category.

Asexuality is different to having had desire at some point and then losing it during a relationship, which is what we see more commonly. Asexuality is also different from aromanticism. Someone who is aromantic has little or no romantic attraction to others.

Both asexuality and aromanticism – like other forms of sexuality express differently in different people.

None of this necessarily changes a person’s desire for a relationship – although it can.

It is possible to want to be in a relationship if you’re asexual (or even aromantic) – and with a lot of understanding and compromise, you can find ways to make a relationship work with someone who is neither of these.

All of that being said, whether you wife is asexual, aromantic or neither seems to be beside the point here.

Your wife is showing no signs that she wants to try to work this out and find a way that you can stay together.

There have been plenty of chances for you two to reconcile, but that doesn’t seem to be on the agenda. You’ve now taken significant steps in separation over a prolonged period of time.

“Once a week or so” isn’t very often to see someone that you might be hoping to rekindle a relationship with. I think you need to get really honest with yourself about the kind of relationship you really want.

It’s normal to hope that a relationship can be reconciled, but I think it’s time for you to let go and move on. If you can do that and still remain friends, kudos to you. If not, a transition period might be required.

MY HUSBAND IS MARRIED TO HIS JOB

Raising a child without much support can be extremely tough. Picture: iStock

QUESTION: My husband started his own business around the same time I fell pregnant with our first child. That baby is now six months old and I’m at my wit’s end. I feel like a single parent because he is working so much but I am also proud of him and know him quitting is not an option. How do I reconcile my need for help with his need for my support?

ANSWER: I don’t know what the right balance is here, but I do know that it’s one you need to try to find together. It isn’t just up to you to reconcile your own need for support and how you give to him at the same time – it’s up to both of you to juggle your individual needs and those of the relationship and your family.

Talk about what you need from each other. Share what you want from each other in terms of support, what you think you can offer each other and what you definitely can’t. See where these overlap and where you might need to find compromise. This won’t be just one conversation, but something you’ll be continuously sharing on.

It might also be helpful to look for ways to bring in extra support to the relationship such as paid help or child care.

MY WIFE HAS LET HERSELF GO

Repeat after me: Women can look however they want. Picture: iStock

QUESTION: My wife has stopped putting any effort into her appearance since we had our second child a year ago. How can I gently nudge her in the right direction? I don’t expect a full face of makeup but I would like her to shave her legs.

ANSWER: When you say “right direction” it sounds like you actually mean “towards what you want her to do”.

I’ve made this point before, but I’ll make it again: Women face far more scrutiny, comment and demand around their appearance than men do.

It’s a symptom of a patriarchal culture that feels it has a right to control women’s bodies.

There might be many reasons your wife “stopped putting any effort in”, as you call it – like because she’s exhausted, feels like she needs to take care of everyone else before herself or doesn’t have the energy to try to please others anymore.

She might also be struggling with her changed body and identity and feels uncomfortable grooming or dressing the way she used to. Have you had a conversation with her about how she feels about herself and her body right now?

More importantly, have you had conversations about how she’s coping or what support she needs? Have you been looking for ways that you can maintain your relationship and emotional intimacy during this challenging time?

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sex therapist and sexologist. For more expert advice follow her on Instagram