Relationship Rehab: Why husband wants wife to cheat

The couple are in a loving relationship and have a small child together – but the husband has a particular “itch” he wants his wife to scratch.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles a man who wants to know if his sex fantasy is normal, another struggling with dating in lockdown and woman who wants her parents to treat her like an adult.

I FANTASISE ABOUT CATCHING MY PARTNER WITH ANOTHER MAN – IS THIS NORMAL?

QUESTION: You mentioned in a previous answer that you like chocolate but it doesn’t mean you want it all the time, meaning we are all different people who are going to have different opinions, ideas and fantasies as well as what we like in the bedroom.

Mine is that I would very much like my partner to be with another man in like a “hot wife” scenario – not her going behind my back.

I just would like to watch only. We have been together four years and have one child of our own, a nearly one-year-old, as well as two children of hers living full-time with us.

Everything is great – family life, social life our work life, play time with kids is great and our sex life is amazing.

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There is just this itch I would like to scratch from time to time. Is this normal? I have raised the issue and we have spoken about it on numerous occasions. She is coming around but also we know there are consequences.

One thing that I have stressed is this is not a gateway for me to say well you have been with another man. My fantasy is for her to enjoy another man, younger, fitter or whomever she chooses. Me, I don’t ever want to be with anyone else but her.

Are there other like-minded people like me out there that we could talk to or guide us and where do we find them? Would love to know your thoughts and give us all the pros and cons. Thanks.

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ANSWER: Actually, I think it was ice cream, but I like chocolate too.

What you’re describing as your fantasy is either a form of non-monogamy or what’s known as “cuckolding”.

The term “cuckolding” originated from birds who lay eggs in another’s nest and was then used to describe women who deceptively had children fathered by someone other than their husband. Now it’s a term used to describe a fetish where someone is turned on by their partner having sex with someone else. You are the “cuck”, your wife is the “hot wife”. Cuckolding also has an element of humiliation, degradation or denial.

There’s such a wide range of normal when it comes to sex, comparing ourselves to or trying to fit into ‘normal’ is not necessarily helpful.

But, to answer your first question, “Is this normal?” – there are certainly a lot of other people with the same fantasy as you.

A recent survey, suggests that 58 per cent of men and about one-third of women have fantasised about cuckolding. Cuckolding can occur as a one-off event or as a “lifestyle”. It occurs in both heterosexual and same sex partnerships. (A quick search of most porn sites will confirm this.)

Cuckolding is a common sexual fantasy.

Our sexual fantasies (including those of cuckolding) aren’t necessarily a reflection of our relationship or happiness within our relationship.

Eroticism runs deep within our psyche. Sometimes the things we fantasise about don’t seem to make sense. We can even fantasise about things we don’t actually want to happen IRL. That doesn’t make them wrong. Actually, that element of taboo is what can make them much more exciting.

There can be a lot of value in exploring our fantasies and understanding where they come from – not necessarily as a way of diminishing them, but enhancing them and using those desires to fuel our erotic life. Even if we don’t want to act on them, our sexual fantasies are valid and can be exciting.

There is an incredibly wide variety of fetishes and what turns people on. Whatever sexual activities you choose to engage in are valid – provided you follow the BDSM motto and ensure the practices you engage in are “safe, sane and consensual”.

As you’re rightfully aware, however, acting out sexual fantasies can have consequences.

Acting out your fantasy may increase the desire, excitement and intimacy between you. It may also bring up a lot of big and challenging emotions for both of you and have consequences for the relationship.

Here are some suggestions for moving forward with this:

• Take your time making this decision.

• Research ‘cuckold lifestyle’ (and yes, there is a community out there) to help prepare you for what to expect.

• Ensure your relationship is solid and has great communication first.

• Put clear boundaries and agreements in place.

• Continue open, honest communication throughout, and after, the experience.

Sexologist and couples therapist Isiah McKimmie.

HELP! HOW DO I DATE IN LOCKDOWN?

QUESTION: I’m struggling to deal with dating in isolation. Do you have any tips on how to form a meaningful connection virtually?

ANSWER: Dating is tough right now – it’s a changed game.

Use the time you can’t meet people in person to get to know them better virtually. I know it’s not quite the same, but it’s the only choice we have.

Move to video chats or phone calls in lieu of meeting in person right away – 79 per cent of users on dating app Hinge said they’re open to video calls and many apps have the functionality embedded.

Look for fun and interesting things you can do virtually together such as cooking together, sending each other care packages, taking a class or just deepen your conversation skills.

How do you get your parents to treat you like an adult when you’ll always be their child?

HOW DO I GET MY PARENTS TO TREAT ME LIKE AN ADULT?

QUESTION: I’ve moved back in with my parents and they are driving me absolutely crazy. How can I get them to respect I’m a 34-year-old woman now, and not a child anymore?

ANSWER: We often fall back into old patterns with our families – some of it their influence and some of it ours.

If you don’t want them to treat you like a child, make sure you don’t act like one.

Set boundaries on your time and space.

Contribute to the household in both the physical and resource sense. Help with the dishes, keep the house clean, contribute to groceries.

Communicate clearly what you need to make this workable – and ask what they need from you too.

Stay active on your own work, projects and hobbies.

Get out where you can. Lockdown is making cohabitation with anyone a challenge right now. Having your own time and space where you can is important.