Relationship Rehab: Tips for having sex after pregnancy

A new mum has spoken out about a very intimate problem she’s having with her “supportive” husband six weeks after giving birth.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles a woman who is nervous about having sex after giving birth, a partner who’s worried about her man’s porn habit and someone who wants more openness from their relationship.

I’M NERVOUS ABOUT HAVING SEX SINCE GIVING BIRTH

QUESTION: I had a baby six weeks ago and my husband wants to start having sex again but I feel nervous. I had a vaginal birth and experienced some tearing but nothing too bad. It seems to be healed but I still don’t really feel the urge to have sex. I’m nervous as I’m worried it will hurt or feel different. My husband is very supportive but eager to get back to our usual sex life. The problem is, we used to be quite wild and active in the bedroom and I’m not sure I feel up to it at the moment. He says it will feel natural once we start doing it again but I’m not so sure. Is there anything I can do to make it easier the first time we do it again?

ANSWER: This is a question that many couples struggle with. You’ve been through (and are going through) some huge changes right now. Giving birth and becoming a mother impacts every area of your life – including intimacy.

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It’s natural to feel hesitant about having sex again after you’ve given birth. Picture: iStock

It’s normal to worry about how it will feel, how your body has changed, the impact of giving birth on your genitals and what your partner is thinking.

For many women, their view of themselves as sexual beings also changes dramatically after becoming a mother, which can impact your enjoyment of sex and your desire.

Biologically, there are likely to be changes in your sexual function – especially if you’re breastfeeding. You may experience a huge drop in your sexual desire, you may struggle to feel aroused and have difficulty lubricating (again, especially if you’re breastfeeding).

It’s also unfortunately common for women to experience pain during sex following childbirth. This is true whether women give birth vaginally or by caesarean.

That being said, it’s important for you know there are things you can do to help.

Try to understand each other

It’s really important during this time that you and your partner make an effort to understand each other. You’ll both have a very different experiences throughout this time. Your partner likely has more of a desire for any kind of physical affection with you right now as your quota for touch will be largely met by the baby. It’s also important that he understands your needs and concerns.

Take your time

Take your time building up to sex and during sex. Start with intimate activities that you do enjoy, without the pressure for it to end in penetration intercourse. Build up to sex slowly. Do things that feel good for you.

Don’t push yourself

Don’t push yourself through, especially if you’re experiencing pain. This can slow down your recovery period. It can also inhibit your desire in future.

Use lubricant

Hormonal changes can impact your body’s ability to lubricate. Don’t be afraid to use lubricant. It can add to your enjoyment and reduce pain.

Get support if you experience pain

If you continue to experience pain more than three months after giving birth, it may be helpful to see your Ob-Gyn or a women’s pelvic floor physiotherapist.

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Porn use can create a divide in a relationship. Picture: iStock

HOW MUCH PORN IS NORMAL?

QUESTION: I was on my partner’s computer the other day and noticed that he’d been watching porn while I was out. I mean I know that lots of guys watch porn, but there’s something about it that makes me feel uncomfortable. So my question is, how much porn is normal?

ANSWER: Although everyone will have a different moral stance on it, pornography use is very common. Instead of asking what is normal, I think a more important question is how is this affecting his life and your relationship? What is it about your partner’s pornography use that you find upsetting?

Some women express feeling insecure about their partner’s porn use and worry that they’re ‘not enough’ to turn their partner on. Others express concern about the kind of porn their partner is watching.

For some people, pornography use coincides with difficulty being intimate with their partner or can lead them to have difficulty being aroused without it. (In some cases it can also impact their ability to function in life.)

If it doesn’t seem to be directly impacting your relationship, remember that him watching porn isn’t a reflection of you.

Sexologist and couples therapist Isiah McKimmie.

I WANT MORE FROM MY PARTNER

QUESTION: I find myself wanting more from my partner in terms of intimacy. I wear my heart on my sleeve. He doesn’t open up much. I wish he’d tell me what’s going on for him sometimes. Suggestions?

ANSWER: Men and women receive largely different messages about expressing emotion in our culture. Women tend to be more focused on relationships from a very early age. Men are taught to suppress their emotions.

But men do have emotions and sometimes long to express them.

Here’s what I suggest:

• Lead by example by sharing your own emotions and vulnerability.

• Don’t push or force him to open up.

• You may need to give him more time and space to express what’s going on for him than you would your girlfriends.

• Don’t interrupt, try to fix or shame when he does share.

• Do something active like going for a walk when you want to talk.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sex therapist and sexologist. For more expert advice follow her on Instagram.