Relationship Rehab: Man fears ‘upsetting’ wife with sex request

They’ve been married for years but there’s one thing missing from their sex life — but how can he bring it up without making her feel ‘inadequate?’

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles a husband who wants sex with his wife to be more adventurous, a woman worried her partner hasn’t introduced her to his friends and family and a mum concerned about her husband’s parenting style.

HOW CAN I GET MY WIFE TO SPICE UP OUR SEX LIFE?

QUESTION: I’m an older gentleman and I’ve been married for 30 years. I love my wife and would never want to upset her. However, for as long as I can remember we’ve had a very boring sex life and for the last 10 years, it’s been almost non-existent. We only have sex once a month at most and I always have to initiate it, then it’s always just missionary position. Not only would I like to have more sex but I’d also like to experiment with different positions. How do I talk to her about how I feel without making her feel inadequate?

ANSWER: I’m so glad you’ve reached out to ask this question. It’s a common question from people who are in long-term relationships like yours but feel something is missing in regard to intimacy.

I hear the love and care you have for you wife. There are obviously many strengths in your relationship. It’s also understandable that you want more in regard to sexual intimacy.

I’m guessing you’ve tried to have a conversation about this before, but it hasn’t gone well. It’s difficult to hear our partner is unsatisfied in some way, especially in a sensitive area like sex.

While sex can seem to be almost everywhere in our culture, there’s still a lot of guilt, fear and shame associated with it. This can be especially so for women. It’s only relatively recently that women have been able to be open about sex and their enjoyment of it, without being judged for it. At times we still are.

It’s likely that your wife has low desire and be lacking spontaneity around sex because of negative sexual beliefs and a sense of shame she may feel around sex. The ways women feel inadequate about being able to please a partner, are yet another layer to our struggles with sex.

Talking about this effectively with your wife will require more than one conversation.

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Sexologist and couples therapist Isiah McKimmie.

She may have resistance to this conversation. She may say things like ‘she doesn’t care if you never have sex again’, ‘she only does it for you’, or even suggest that you ‘find someone else if that’s what you want’. These are all things that I’ve heard people say to their partners. Underneath is shame, fear and a feeling of inadequacy.

I’ve also seen many couples in their 50s and 60s discover the best sex of their lives after deciding to make this a priority and working with me.

So know that it’s possible. Regardless of your age, how long this has been an issue in your relationship or how reluctant your partner is right now. You may however, need to be persistent.

Below are the elements I suggest you include in your conversation. One of my former clients had great success writing a letter to his wife, rather than speaking to her directly. Do what feels right for you.

1. Share appreciation

Tell your wife how much she and the relationship mean to you. Share things you value and appreciate.

2. Share your emotion

Tell her the emotions you have about the current state of your sex life. When done well, this shows vulnerability and will help her understand why this is important to you.

3. Share your needs in a positive way

Instead of focusing on what’s wrong, share what you would like more of or what your needs are in a positive way.

4. Make a clear request

When one partner is asking for a more playful, exciting sex life and the other is resistant, there is often a huge mismatch in what is actually being requested and what one partner imagines is being requested.

For example: Ask if she would be willing to experiment with some different positions or be more vocal about what she enjoys. It might help to share some of the things you’re not asking for too.

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They've been dating for two months, so should she be concerned she hasn't met his friends? Picture: iStock.

QUESTION: I’ve recently started seeing someone (about two months) and I really like him. I think we get along great and I can see this going somewhere. But … there are a couple of things bothering me. So far he hasn’t introduced me to any of his friends and in a recent conversation, he let it slip that he hasn’t told his family he’s seeing someone. Should I be worried?

ANSWER: I can see why this would be a concern to you.

There are a few reasons that someone would be reluctant to tell their family about a new relationship, or even to introduce you to their friends – not all of them are a negative sign for a relationship.

Talk to him about it. Let him know why this is important to you and have a conversation about where you each see the relationship going. This will help you understand where he’s at. If this hasn’t changed in a few weeks, you might want to rethink things.

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A mum is concerned her husband has too much of a short fuse with their kids. Picture: iStock.

QUESTION: My husband is a great Dad and I know our kids love him. But I really struggle with the way he speaks to them sometimes, especially when it comes to discipline. He often gets angry and ends up making things worse. When I try to tell him, we end up having a fight about it too. How can I get him to speak differently to them without causing a huge fight between us?

ANSWER: You’re not alone in feeling challenged by this. Arguments over parenting styles are common in relationships.

You’re both likely acting from your own childhood. He’s using the form of discipline he saw modelled and you’re triggered because you know what it’s like to be spoken to the way he speaks to the kids.

You, as the mother, most likely have more time with your kids and therefore more of a chance to work out the communication styles that are most effective with them. As a woman, you may also be more focused on the relationship, while your partner may be focused on the outcome (like getting them to clean up or to stop fighting).

Have a conversation with your husband in private – not in front of the kids.

•Share the things you love and appreciate about him as a father.

•Tell him how you feel when you see him not getting along with the kids.

•Ask if he would be willing to do some research with you on communication/discipline styles that feel good for both of you.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sex therapist and sexologist. For more expert advice follow her on Instagram.