Relationship Rehab: ‘Adventurous’ wife’s ‘routine’ sex complaint

They have pleasurable sex on a “fairly regular” basis, but she’s complained of one crucial detail that’s missing from their bedroom romps.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles a wife dissatisfied with her routine sex life, a woman concerned her partner is always glued to his phone and how to talk about seeing other people with your significant other.

I ALWAYS ORGASM, BUT OUR SEX LIFE IS ROUTINE

QUESTION: I really shouldn’t complain as I love my husband and our sex life is OK. It’s fairly regular and I’m lucky that I orgasm easily. But, over the last couple of years, things have become very routine. We’ve worked out what works and we keep doing that. So it’s the same few positions each time and is usually over pretty quickly. I’m probably willing to be more adventurous than my husband is. He tells me he doesn’t want anything weird or crazy in the bedroom. What are some ways that we can make it more interesting that won’t be too adventurous for him?

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ANSWER: I love that you’ve asked this question.

You’re describing an experience that many couples have. Especially as couples get tired and busy, they can slip into a routine around sex where they have sex in the same way each time, often cutting down on foreplay to get to the ‘main event’.

I also love that you’re wanting your husband to be a little more experimental in the bedroom. This isn’t uncommon, but it’s rarely talked about.

Fun, satisfying, playful sex doesn’t have to be wild and crazy. There are ways you can spice things up without it becoming kinky.

Keeping variety alive in your sex life is important to desire and satisfaction. Even a few small changes can help make that happen.

You can make things more adventurous by trying some of the following suggestions:

Talk about sex

Having conversations about sex can feel vulnerable, but they can also deepen intimacy in your relationship – and what’s not exciting about that?! Talking openly and honestly about sex also helps you discover more about what you both enjoy and what you’d like to try.

Extend foreplay

Spending longer in foreplay can increase enjoyment for both of you. Making an agreement that you won’t move into penetration intercourse for at least 15 minutes, can encourage you to get creative in how you fill the time while building anticipation and excitement.

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Having a routine sex life is a problem most couples are familiar with at some stage. Picture: iStock.

Set aside time for a ‘Bedroom Date’

Setting aside time for a ‘Bedroom Date’ can help you both feel more relaxed and ensure you won’t be too tired or in a rush when you’re having sex. That might mean going to bed early one night, finding a babysitter or setting aside time on a weekend.

Try some new positions

Changing sexual positions is a great way to add variety to your bedroom. These don’t need to be acrobatic or require crazy flexibility. You can try switching who is usually on top, trying spooning or even a sitting sexual position. It’s really about bringing an attitude of exploration.

Experiment with Body Mapping

The Body Mapping exercise available here is a great way to discover how you enjoy being touched and help you communicate better with each other sexually. It’s a popular exercise among the couples I work with in therapy.

Share fantasies you have

Sharing sexual fantasies is a great way to spice things up in your bedroom. It gives you an insight into each other’s turn ons and gives you ideas about things you may like to try.

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Your partner constantly using his phone around you could be an emotional coping strategy. Picture: iStock.

HELP! MY BOYFRIEND IS CONSTANTLY GLUED TO HIS PHONE

QUESTION: My partner has become increasingly distracted by his phone and it’s coming between us. I used to think he was doing important work emails in the evening but I’ve recently realised he looking at footy videos on YouTube. He becomes like a zombie when he’s looking at his phone. How do I tell him to stop?

ANSWER: When raising a potentially difficult topic with a partner, you’ll be more effective when you use the following 4 steps:

1. Share your observation of the situation non-judgmentally.

2. Share the emotion you feel about the issue.

3. Name the needs that you have.

4. Make a request about what you’d like to happen.

In this case, you might say: When I notice you’re on your phone while we’re spending time together, I feel hurt because I have a need for us to connect and spend quality time with each other. I’d love us to have designated phone-free time. How do you feel about that?

I suspect his phone use is a symptom of something else going on or an emotional coping strategy. Be curious about his phone use and why he feels the need to distract himself in that way.

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Sexologist and couples therapist Isiah McKimmie.

I LOVE MY PARTNER — BUT I WANT TO SEE OTHER PEOPLE

QUESTION: I’m a gay man and I’ve been with my partner for five years. I want to tell him that I love him but I’d also like to see other people. What’s the best way to approach this without upsetting him?

ANSWER: Depending on your partner’s views and values, this may be a difficult conversation.

Consider why you’d like to open your relationship and what you’re hoping to gain from it. Helping him understand this may allow him to be more open to the idea. Make sure you’re reassuring in the process and try to understand his perspective.

Know that it will take a number (even many) conversations about this to transition it into action if he agrees. Carefully consider boundaries and agreements that you’ll have in this process.

Isiah McKimmie is a Couples Therapist, Sex Therapist and Sexologist. For more expert advice follow her on Instagram.

If you have a question for Isiah, email [e-mail]