Relationship Rehab: ‘Idiot’ boyfriend’s ‘paranoid’ phone habit

A woman whose partner “saved” her during a tough time says he’s no longer her hero – developing habits that have her alarm bells ringing.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles a woman who has discovered her boyfriend is toxic, how to recognise a healthy relationship if your parents had a bad one and whether it is OK to have sex on the first date.

HELP! MY BOYFRIEND WANTS TO MARRY, BUT THINGS ARE TOXIC

QUESTION: I have been with my partner for four years and he’s hinted that he wants to get married and have kids. The only issue is that I have started to realise I don’t love him – part of me thinks I don’t even like him. I was mentally unwell when we got together and I think he liked “saving” me. But now I’m well, I can see him for who he is. He is very possessive and doesn’t like me seeing my friends or family. When I come back from work he gets paranoid that I have been speaking to other men and regularly checks my phone for messages from men. He puts me down, telling me I’m fat and that no one else would love me as much as he does. I’ve begun to realise he’s a manipulative, gas-lighting idiot. We live together and I know he’ll take it badly if I say I want to leave. How do I extricate myself from this toxic relationship?

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ANSWER: I’m glad that you’ve made the realisations you have about the way he’s treating you. This is a toxic, if not abusive, relationship. This isn’t someone you want to get married to or have kids with.

All couples have arguments – it’s how you communicate during those arguments that determines the happiness and success of your relationship. Put-downs and belittling are never OK in a relationship.

Belittling is a form of contempt, which is corrosive to your relationship, self-esteem and your health. When this is one-sided, as it sounds like it is in your case, this is a warning sign for abuse.

Separating you from your support networks, by making it difficult for you to see friends and family, or by speaking poorly of them is a tactic that makes you more reliant on him. Additionally, as you’ve noted, checking messages on your phone is controlling, another sign of abuse.

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A partner checking messages on your phone is controlling and a sign of abuse. Picture: iStock

There are a few things to consider here. If you believe you’re going to be in physical danger in any way, I recommend reaching out to a domestic violence support service who can help you make a safety plan and a plan to leave.

I do believe that people have the capacity to change. I’ve seen people make relationships that were very toxic work. But, I also know that some people don’t change – they continue to repeat toxic cycles and it becomes harder to end the relationship. No one deserves to be belittled or controlled in their relationship.

Even if you don’t believe you’re in physical danger, there’s no easy way to get out except to make a clear decision and follow through. I know this is easier said than done.

You’re right that if you say you want to leave, he’ll take it badly. People with this kind of controlling nature usually do. You can expect him to react in a couple of ways. He may increase his belittling of you (by damaging your self-esteem, he can make you feel like you’ll never find anyone else and are better off with him).

He may even increase his affection, also known as love-bombing, and promise you that he’ll change. He may also become angry. All of these behaviours are designed to keep you ‘hooked in’ so he can continue to have control over you.

Whatever you’ve been doing to improve your mental health since you met him, continue to do that now. Get all the support and strength you can so you can move onto a healthy relationship in future.

Before you leave, make sure you have support – emotional and financial – and somewhere to go.

Sexologist and couples therapist Isiah McKimmie.

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HOW CAN I KNOW WHEN A RELATIONSHIP IS HEALTHY?

QUESTION: What does a healthy relationship look like? My parents had an unhappy relationship and divorced so I’ve never really had a role model of what a good relationship should include.

ANSWER: Great question. This is a challenge many people face and they can end up in unhealthy relationships as a result.

We know from research on relationships that there are key factors of both healthy and unhealthy relationships. The Couples Therapy that I offer is based on this research.

There are a number of factors required for a happy, lasting relationship. This includes respect, admiration, taking actions that demonstrate love, good communication and having shared values in life.

There’s a myth that great relationships won’t include arguments – this simply isn’t true. What’s important is how things are discussed during these arguments. Criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling and contempt are damaging to a relationship and can predict separation. Learn to share your upsets gently and really try to understand your partner when they’re sharing.

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The idea that sex on the first date is a bad move is ‘outdated’. Picture: iStock

IS SEX ON THE FIRST DATE A BAD IDEA?

QUESTION: Should I have sex on a first date? I often do but my friends say it’s a bad idea because the date won’t respect you. Surely that’s an outdated idea in 2021?

ANSWER: I’ve heard that suggestion too. I also know many couples who had sex on their first date and are now in long-term, healthy, respectful relationships together.

Be aware that sex increases hormones and endorphins that can make you feel ‘in love’ and make you more trusting than usual. This can impact your judgment of someone.

I think one of the mistakes we can also make is in believing that enough chemistry will lead to a great relationship. This isn’t necessarily the case. You can have wild chemistry with someone early on, but find that you don’t have strong enough connection for a long-term relationship with them.

If you’re happy having casual sex without it turning into a relationship, go for it. This is totally valid too.

Do what feels right for you.

Isiah McKimmie is a Couples Therapist, Sex Therapist and Sexologist. For more expert advice follow her on Instagram.

If you have a question for Isiah, email [e-mail]