Relationship Rehab: ‘Unhappy’ hubby’s shock sex request

The couple have been “happily married” for 10 years and have kids – but now the husband has made an X-rated demand that’s stunned his wife.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles a wife whose husband wants to bring another woman into their marriage, a woman baffled she’s been accused of ‘breadcrumbing’, and a man asking who should pay on the first date.

MY HUSBAND WANTS TO BRING ANOTHER WOMAN INTO OUR MARRIAGE

QUESTION: I’m a happily married 36-year-old woman with two beautiful kids. My husband and I have been together for 10 years and have generally had an open and honest relationship. Lately, he’s made a new group of friends, many of who live what I’d call “alternative” lifestyles. Many of them are polyamorous and have open relationships with many partners. Some even have more than one husband or wife (although their second “marriages” obviously aren’t legal). It seems to have piqued my husband’s interest and he’s suggested we try bringing another woman into our marriage. I’m not as keen on the idea as he is but I also don’t want him to be unhappy. What should I do?

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ANSWER: Open relationships or ethically non-monogamous (ENM) relationships can work for some people. I’ve also seen them contribute to the ending of many relationships.

I want to acknowledge that there’s a cultural context here. In some religions and cultures ENM relationships are very acceptable. In broader Australian culture however, they are very much seen as alternative and fringe.

I use the most up-to-date and comprehensive relationship research available in my work as a therapist. The research on open relationships is sparse. Researchers have had an incredibly difficult time studying open relationships, because they found them too unstable to study long-term. That being said, new research has found that some open relationships can be successful.

Opening your relationship to other people isn’t a decision you make quickly. This is something you need to have many in depth conversations about with your husband.

Successful ENM relationships require a lot of really good communication both before you open your relationship and after you invite someone else in if you want it to be successful. I think many people underestimate how challenging this will be and aren’t adequately prepared before they try it.

There are many different forms open relationships can take. Deciding on that is important. There are many factors that need to be discussed and ground rules agreed on.

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While accepted elsewhere, ENM relationships are still considered taboo in Australia. Picture: iStock.

There can be benefits to an ENM relationship. Those in polyamorous or open relationships often describe feeling a greater sense of community, ability to maintain freedom and high sexual satisfaction in their relationships.

Has your husband been able to tell you why he wants to bring someone else into your marriage? And why do you think he’ll be unhappy if you don’t agree? The fact that you’re considering this because you’re afraid he won’t be happy is a concern to me. If you decide to do this, you need to be really sure about it.

Here are some other things to consider.

An open relationship won’t fix your relationship problems.

Even if you end up agreeing to this, there’s still a high likelihood that you’ll have a ton of emotions about this when it happens. You both need to be prepared for that.

Did I mention you’ll need a lot of communication? Consider speaking to a therapist with a good understanding of open relationships to help you discuss this in more depth together before you make a decision.

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Sexologist and couples therapist Isiah McKimmie.

HELP! I’VE BEEN ACCUSED OF ‘BREADCRUMBING’

QUESTION: Do you know what is meant by the term breadcrumbing? My friends say that when I message a love interest sporadically and then fade off with my messages but still like their Instagram post etc. that I’m “leading them on” and “breadcrumbing”. I wasn’t even aware I was doing it. Is there a reason I might behave this way?

ANSWER: I’m glad your friends called you out on this. They’re right. ‘Breadcrumbing’ falls just short of ‘ghosting’ in douche dating moves. It’s where you send flirtatious messages or social media likes to someone without committing to or wanting to see them or form a relationship. It’s like throwing out breadcrumbs to have someone think you might be interested, but the reality is, it isn’t going anywhere.

There are a few reasons you might be doing it.

It’s something people do because they’re afraid to just say they’re not interested in someone or they’re still hoping the person will stay attached to them in some way, giving them some kind of validation.

It sounds like you might benefit from doing some reflecting on how you’re treating people you date and what the impact on them might be.

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Many women still appreciate men offering to pay on the first date. Picture: iStock

I’M A MAN – SHOULD I PAY ON THE FIRST DATE?

QUESTION: What is the etiquette on first dates – I’m a straight man and often feel obliged to pay but is that expected these days? I never know what is the best approach as I don’t want to come across as tight.

ANSWER: Great question.

Here’s what I generally hear about this: Women appreciate men who offer to pay. But, she should at least offer to split the bill.

I also know many women who insist on splitting or paying the entire amount because they don’t want to feel like they owe a man anything and feel obligated to see him again or sleep with him.

If there’s the potential for a second date, I usually make an agreement that I pay next time before I allow someone to cover the entire bill.

This is a great case for making the first date a coffee date, so neither of you feel like you’ve wasted your money if it doesn’t go well.

Isiah McKimmie is a Couples Therapist, Sex Therapist and Sexologist. For more expert advice follow her on Instagram.

If you have a question for Isiah, email [e-mail]