Relationship Rehab: Man’s X-rated find on wife’s iPad

They’ve been together eight years and she always seemed “trustworthy” – then her husband discovered his wife’s double life.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles the issue of a man who discovered X-rated messages on his wife’s iPad, a person sad about being single on Valentine’s Day and a wife fed-up with her husband’s comments about her weight.

MY WIFE SAYS THE X-RATED MESSAGES I FOUND ARE JUST ‘BANTER’

QUESTION: I always thought my wife was trustworthy until I recently found something on her phone that's made me wonder if I even know her. We've been together eight years and are planning to have a family. Last week I was on her iPad as I needed to find a shortlist of birthday gifts she'd made online. As I looked through the list a message popped up from her boss. I'd normally ignore it but I couldn't help but notice it was sexual – and I mean explicit! Horrified, I clicked on the message and saw it was part of a stream of messages between her and her boss that have been sent over a period of six months. When my wife came home I confronted her and she was really apologetic. She said it was just "banter" and they'd never act on it. She seemed so distraught but I don't feel like I can trust her anymore. How do I restore trust in her again?

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ANSWER: It concerns me (and should concern you) that your wife tried to downplay this as ‘just banter’. Sexually explicit text messages aren’t appropriate regardless of whether something physical happened between them.

Despite what she says or how apologetic she was, this is a serious breach of trust. It’s understandable that you don’t feel like you can trust her anymore.

Restoring trust and re-establishing your relationship will require time and effort. It will also require you working together to ensure that happens – it’s not for you to do on your own.

I highly recommend you seek the support of a therapist to help you process what has happened and work together to rebuild trust and restore the relationship. Working through infidelity (that’s what it was, even though it wasn’t physical) is highly emotional. A well-trained therapist can help you reach understanding together and give you skills for moving forward.

The Gottman Method of Therapy is a method of couples therapy based on more than 40 years of scientific research. This method, which I use in my couples therapy and sex therapy practice, can predict whether a relationship will succeed or fail with more than 90% accuracy.

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Sending sexual messages to someone else is never OK, even if nothing else happened. Picture: iStock/

This method includes an effective three step strategy for dealing with and recovery from infidelity. I’ve certainly found it to be helpful in my own practice helping couples. These three steps are: Atone, Attune, Attach.

In order to re-establish trust between you, it’s important that the communication lines between you stay open. You’ll need to feel that you know all the details and that there’s nothing else being kept from you. In order to be able to move on, you’ll also need to feel that your wife is genuinely sorry and is willing to make amends and compromise to help you feel secure in the relationship again.

It’s also important to look at what was happening in your relationship (for both of you) that contributed to your wife engaging with someone else the way she did. Infidelity often indicates that there is emotional distance and communication challenges between you. You’ll need to work to strengthen the connection between you. This includes making sure you spend quality time together and getting to know each other again.

There is no timeline for working through infidelity – sexual or emotional. For some couples this is a process that will take a number of years. You may find it reassuring to know that many couples who experience infidelity go on to have happy, lasting relationships.

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It’s important to plan something fun if you’re sad about being single on Valentine’s Day. Picture: iStock.

HELP! HOW TO MAKE VALENTINE’S DAY LESS SAD AS A SINGLE PERSON

QUESTION: In the run up to Valentine's Day I always feel depressed and lonely. It just marks another year that I'm single. What can I do to make the day less depressing?

ANSWER: You’re not alone. Valentines Day is tough for many people – even some in a relationship.

If you have single friends, plan something fun to do together. If that doesn’t work out, take time to do something you really enjoy.

Doing something for others is also a great way to make you feel good, so consider how you could brighten your friends’ day. They may well be feeling something similar to what you are.

Remember, you won’t be single forever. Make the most of this time to be by yourself and do the things you love.

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Sexologist and couples therapist Isiah McKimmie.

MY HUSBAND JOKES ABOUT MY WEIGHT — HOW DO I GET HIM TO STOP?

QUESTION: My husband always undermines me in front of our kids. He implies I'm dumb and jokes about my weight gain. He says it's a "joke" but it really hurts. How do I get him to stop?

ANSWER: At best, this belittling and cruel humour would be considered contempt in couples therapy. Contempt is a kind of attack to gain superiority and also includes eye-rolling, sarcasm and mocking. It’s incredibly damaging to your relationship, physical health and self-esteem. At worst, the behaviour you describe may be a sign of verbal abuse.

If it’s safe for you to do so, let your husband know that the communication style he’s using isn’t okay. Whether or not he intends it as a joke is besides the point – it’s having an impact on you.

Contempt is one of the biggest predictors of divorce. I recommend that you seek help or do research to find better ways of communicating and rebuilding your relationship.

If he isn’t willing to hear how this affects you or continues to defend his behaviour, consider if this is a relationship you want to stay in.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sex therapist and sexologist. For more expert advice follow her on Instagram.