Relationship Rehab: Mum’s ‘stupid’ cheating mistake

It was supposed to be just drinks with a friend but instead she ended up doing something she’s “terrified” her husband will uncover.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles a wife who cheated on her “incredible” husband during a boozy night out, a man who doesn’t want to have kids yet and a parent who wants to prepare her teenage daughter for losing their virginity.

HELP! I CHEATED ON MY HUSBAND

QUESTION: I am torn apart by something I did and I’m not sure how to solve it. I've been with my husband for 18 years and we've got three beautiful kids.

Although life is hectic and crazy sometimes, I'm happy and I've always thought how lucky I am to have an incredible husband.

But last month I did something so stupid it could wreck it all. My girlfriend is recently divorced and wanted a night out so I said I'd tag along for support. We got talking to two men who had good banter and bought us drinks.

I thought it was harmless and I was just supporting my friend. Fast forward to 2am and I'd had way too much to drink and found myself in a hotel room with one of the men. We kissed and fooled around but thankfully I got to my senses before having sex with him.

I got a cab and went home, not telling my husband anything. Now the guilt is eating me up. Should I tell my husband or chalk it down to a mistake? I'm terrified of losing him.

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ANSWER: Couples therapists have conflicting advice about what to do in situations like this. Some believe that infidelity can stay a secret and never be dealt with. Others believe it’s better to talk about it so you can work through it together.

Research shows that when someone suspects something has happened, but it’s denied, the partner who has been cheated on has a more significant reaction and you’re more likely to break up. It often feels like a double breaking of trust; once through the original incident and the other through the deception.

Finding out that your partner has cheated on you can have a significant impact either way, often times leading to the partner who has been cheated on experiencing PTSD. But, despite the destruction this can cause, it is possible to overcome infidelity; it takes time and a lot of effort from both of you.

Expect to deal with the fallout of infidelity for a number of years, but know that many relationships come out stronger for it.

Consider the kind of relationship you really want with your partner. For many people keeping a secret like this is acceptable, others prefer honesty and dealing with the consequences. Which do you think your husband would prefer?

I’m also wondering what’s going on underneath all of this for you to do this. There are some important things for you to examine here.

Disengaging emotionally from a relationship can lead to cheating. Picture: iStock.

Is there underlying dissatisfaction in your relationship? Or is there something you feel like you’re missing within yourself?

Emotional disengagement can lead to infidelity. Where there is emotional disengagement, you may still feel like you love your partner, but you’ve stopped turning to them and talking about things the way you used to.

Instead of it being the two of you against the world, there’s disconnection between you. This opens a door for you to turn to other people for intimacy and connection instead.

Psychotherapist Ester Perel, who has written extensively about infidelity, also believes that infidelity is a way to rediscover what we’re missing within us; the parts of ourselves and our personality that we’ve lost. Consider what you were seeking when you engaged with someone else. That needs to be confronted – even if only within yourself.

I can’t tell you what to do, but I do recommend getting support to make your decision and deal with the repercussions. Couples Therapy offers effective strategies for strengthening your relationship and overcoming infidelity.

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Sexologist and couples therapist Isiah McKimmie.

MY WIFE IS OBSESSED WITH HAVING A BABY – I’M NOT

QUESTION: My wife desperately wants kids to the point it's all she seems to talk about. While I'm happy to have them one day I don't think I want them now – I'd like to save more money and get my career in a better place. She's 33 and says it needs to happen now. How do I tell her I do want kids but I'm not ready at the moment?

ANSWER: This is a really important conversation to have together. It won’t just be one conversation – you’ll need to have many conversations about this.

While sharing your perspective is important, it’s also really important that you understand each other. Research shows that being able to discuss difficult topics well and reach compromise together is vital for happy long-term relationships.

It’s also important you and your partner align on life goals and feel supported by each other in these goals.

Having children is a highly emotional topic. The biological realities women face around having children are different to that of men. You may need to consider that in your conversations.

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Women face different biological factors when it comes to having kids. Picture: iStock.

HOW CAN I PREPARE MY TEENAGER FOR SEX?

QUESTION: My 16 year old daughter is in a long-term relationship and says she wants to have sex. I want to help her make the right decisions but I still feel like she's my baby. Is there somewhere I can point her in the right direction for good advice?

ANSWER: It’s great that your daughter has been able to tell you what she wants and that you’re supporting her decisions.

You’ll support her best if you continue to be someone that she can talk to. Ask if there are any specific questions she has and do your best to answer them. If you’re unsure about something, don’t be afraid to say so.

There are great resources for teenagers on sex available online now. Consider looking through available resources and advice together so she feels supported by you and knows that you’re someone she can turn to if questions or problems arise.

Here are some of the sites and resources I recommend. Please do your own research first to make sure they feel right for you.

Talk Soon. Talk Often. is a great book for parents.

For Foxes Sake a book for teen girls.

Peach Pack an Instagram account aimed at young women.

Scarleteen a long running and comprehensive education site for teens.

Sex, etc a site written by teens for teens.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sex therapist and sexologist. For more expert advice follow her on Instagram.