Relationship Rehab: Sex bombshell wife is hiding

She adores her husband and “can't think of anyone else I'd rather spend my life with”, but a growing problem is impacting their bedroom time.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles a woman no longer attracted to her husband, a man struggling to move on after his wife died and a wife needs who needs her partner to step up at home.

HELP! I AM NO LONGER ATTRACTED TO MY HUSBAND

QUESTION: I love my husband very much and can't think of anyone else I'd rather spend my life with. The only problem is that over the past 12 months he's put on 20 kilos. He wasn't skinny in the first place but now he's obese. I don't really find him attractive anymore and I definitely don't want to have sex with him. How do I tell him to lose weight without hurting his feelings? He doesn't seem to care how big he gets!

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ANSWER: As you’re clearly aware, weight is a sensitive topic for people and some caution will be needed.

I do know that weight can be a factor in attraction, but I also know many individuals and couples for whom it isn’t. My experience has been that there are often other factors involved.

Your husband’s weight gain may be an indicator that something else is going on for him. I’m wondering what has led to this change. Is there something that he’s been struggling with? Is he showing any signs of depression?

I’m also wondering if what is going on for your husband is impacting your relationship in some way?

Although it seems like he doesn’t care, I suspect that he fully understands the impact this is having on his relationship and feels pretty ashamed about it. He’s likely going to need time, gentleness and support to be able to talk about it.

Be curious and aim for understanding

Instead of starting by trying to get him to do something, start by looking for understanding. Go into the conversation with curiosity and concern and you’re likely to get a better response than if you go in with demands.

Share your intentions.

Weight can be a sensitive topic, especially in relationships. Picture: iStock.

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Let him know that your intentions for raising this with him are for greater connection with him and out of your concern for him. If he feels like your intention is to criticise him or make him change, you’re likely to be met with defensiveness and shut down.

Voice your emotions

I’m guessing that underneath the frustration you feel is a degree of fear. Fear about your husband’s health, the way he’s acting and what will happen to your relationship if this doesn’t change. Share that with him.

State your needs in a positive way

Rather than focus on what he should do or what he isn’t doing right now, keep the focus on you and your needs. Sharing these in a positive and affirming way increases the likelihood that your husband will listen – and also be understanding towards your needs. You might say something like: I have a need for us both to be healthy so we can get the most out of life.

Make sure you also understand what’s going on for him. Ask questions and understand that it may take a couple of conversations for him to understand and feel comfortable talking about this.

Only when you feel like you understand each other fully should you move to discussing actions and solutions to this.

Moving on after a partner dies will be different for everyone. Picture: iStock.

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HOW DO I MOVE ON AFTER MY WIFE DIED?

QUESTION: I'm a 50-year-old man and I lost my beloved wife to cancer five years ago. My grown-up kids keep telling me I should "get out there" and meet someone but I'm scared of ruining the wonderful memories I have with my wife. How do I move on from this?

ANSWER: No one can replace what you had with your wife.

Opening up to someone else doesn’t negate the connection, memories and love you had together. You may never experience the same connection you had with your wife with someone else, and that’s okay.

It’s also okay to want a companion as your life moves forward. Only you can decide when you’re ready – the process will be different for everyone.

Sexologist and couples therapist Isiah McKimmie.

I’M THE BREADWINNER BUT ALSO DO ALL THE HOUSEWORK

QUESTION: My husband lost his job last year so now I'm the main breadwinner in our house. I don't mind that at all but I do mind that he still seems to think cooking dinner, cleaning and planning our kids' lives is also my job! He spends all day applying for jobs and when I get home I'm exhausted and he's not done any chores. How do I explain this isn't fair without bruising his ego?

ANSWER: To be honest, his ego is probably already bruised – he just may not be showing it.

Unfortunately, women still carry the majority of the mental load at home – even when they’re managing their own jobs.

You do need to have a conversation or you’re going to end up more resentful for the load that you’re carrying.

Share your emotion and state your needs in a positive way when you bring this up with him – rather than focus on what’s he’s not doing.

For example, you might say: I’m feeling overwhelmed with everything I have to do right now. I need more support with the housework right now.