Relationship Rehab: Woman’s ‘humiliating’ sex secret

He was the man she thought she would have marry and start a family with – until a bombshell left him looking at her with “pity” instead of love.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles a woman afraid to tell her family that her partner cheated, a 32-year-old suffering in silence with painful sex and a man who wants to know the best way to come out as pansexual to his parents.

HOW DO I TELL MY FAMILY MY PARTNER CHEATED?

QUESTION: I broke up with my partner of five years last week and I‘m devastated. I thought we were happy and that marriage and kids were on the way but it turned out he’d been having an affair with a woman from work for at least six months. I want to forgive him and try to make it work but deep down I know he doesn’t love me anymore. When I look into his eyes I see pity rather than love. He’s still seeing the woman he had the affair with and has moved into our spare room. I’m 38-years-old and see our relationship as my last chance to have a family so I’m not just mourning losing him but also what would have been. I haven’t told my family yet as I feel so humiliated and don’t know where to start. I’m also dreading spending Christmas explaining to everyone about why I’m alone. What should I do, I feel so lost?

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ANSWER: I’m so sorry you’re going through this right now. The holiday season is a difficult time of the year to break up – and unfortunately more relationships break down at this time of the year than any other.

Relationships can recover from infidelity, but it takes both partners wanting it to work. I’m sorry your partner hasn’t chosen this. It’s unlikely to bring you much comfort, but statistically, his new relationship has very little chance of succeeding.

I don’t blame you for dreading Christmas and the inevitable explanations regarding your relationship status. I don’t think there’s a more uncomfortable family dinner conversation than this.

There are two things I want you to remember going into family and social gatherings: You don’t need to explain yourself to anyone and this is not your fault.

‘Why are you single?’ is never an appropriate question. If you get questions about your relationship, you don’t need to go into it. A simple, ‘X and I broke up and I don’t want to talk about it’, is enough. No one needs to know more than you want them to.

Christmas will be hard, but your family might surprise you.

A break up, for any reason, is painful and challenging. It’s heightened by the shock of discovering a partner’s affair. It’s normal to grieve the loss of what you had and the future you dreamt of. Letting go of the plans and dreams we had for our life is often the hardest part.

There’s an undeserved shame that goes with a relationship ending, especially when infidelity is involved. But you have nothing to feel ashamed or humiliated about. Your partner’s actions say far more about him than they do you.

Be gentle on yourself this festive season and surround yourself with support. It takes time to recover from separation. Given the circumstances, I recommend seeing a therapist to navigate the complex emotions you’re feeling and to help you prepare yourself for a happy, healthy relationship in the future.

I understand that at 38 it feels like your biological clock is ticking and there is a reality about the time you have left to start a family. It’s still possible that you’ll find the relationship you want. There are also other options available like choosing to go ahead with IVF alone, or freezing your eggs to increase your chance of having children in a couple of years. It isn’t the future you had in mind, but our futures rarely are.

To anyone navigating being single or a break up this festive season, take care of yourself. There’s a reason that the weeks after Christmas and New Year are the busiest time of year for dating apps.

The woman is scared to tell her family the truth about their relationship – but she shouldn't feel ashamed.

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HELP! SEX IS PAINFUL AND I’M SCARED TO TELL MY PARTNER

QUESTION: I‘m a 32-year-old woman and I get a lot of pain during sex and have done for a few years. I don’t want to tell my partner as I don’t want to upset him. What should I do?

ANSWER: There are a number of reasons women experience pain during sex. These include physical, psychological and emotional causes.

One common cause of pain during sex is not enough time spent in foreplay. Other causes include STIs, infections, hormonal changes or fear of sex and anticipation of pain.

Pain during sex isn’t normal and doesn’t need to be tolerated. Most instances of painful sex can be treated.

Treating painful sex begins with finding the cause. Begin with a visit to a trusted doctor. (If you don’t get a sympathetic and satisfactory response, seek a second opinion.) Pain during sex isn’t all in your head, as some women are told. Your doctor may do some tests, make a referral to a gynaecologist, or suggest seeing a women’s pelvic floor physiotherapist or sex therapist.

Continuing to have sex when you feel pain can make it worse and lead to secondary issues. For the long-term benefit of your sex life, tell your partner.

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Sexologist and couples therapist Isiah McKimmie.

I WANT TO TELL MY PARENTS I’M PANSEXUAL – BUT HOW?

QUESTION: I‘m a 21-year-old guy and I want to come out to my parents as pansexual – I love who I love and don’t care about biological sex, gender or gender identity. To me it’s the person that counts, not the packaging they come in. The problem is, my parents are very traditional and this would blow their minds. What’s the best way to tell them?

ANSWER: Congratulations on knowing who you are and having the courage to share it.

I wish we lived in a world where the gender of people we love isn’t an issue or something we need to announce. Though I recognise we still do.

Consider your safety – physically and emotionally – before ‘coming out’ or ‘inviting in’.

Are you living with your parents, or dependent on them financially for your day to day survival? If this would be in jeopardy because of your announcement, make sure you have a back up plan that ensures your safety.

You may want to speak to your friends to make sure you have emotional support following the conversation.

There are online resources available for people wanting to come out to their parents. I suggest doing some research with organisations like ReachOut and PFLAG.

When you are ready, choose the timing, place and approach that feels right for you.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sex therapist and sexologist. For more expert advice follow her on Instagram.