Relationship Rehab: Mum’s sex problem giving her ‘sheer fear’

Since giving birth to her second child and getting divorced, there’s been one issue stopping this mum from being intimate with anyone.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles a woman being self-conscious about how her private parts look after giving birth, a wife unsure of how to support her husband after a suicide attempt and a mum concerned about her son’s lack of experience.

CHILDBIRTH CHANGED MY VAGINA – NOW I’M SCARED TO DATE

QUESTION: When I gave birth to my second child, almost eight years ago, I suffered some severe tears. My lady bits were literally in bits. I have only one side of labia minora. The part that was torn appears to have been stitched to the point where it now sits as a weird lump inside. Further up near the clitoris, the labia was stitched as two separate pieces. I have another tear in my vagina that was stitched and now attaches like a rope bridge near the urethra. I didn’t realise any of this until recently when I had some issues with blood in my urine. I’ve been divorced for a couple of years now and I’ve not been with anyone out of sheer fear of what I look like down there. It was suggested to google what normal vaginas look like so that I could see if there is a real normal.

You know what I found? Pictures of grapefruit and oranges cut open to stand in for a real vagina. The other images are illustrations of what a textbook vagina should look like. How the hell do we ever feel comfortable with what we look like when we have no idea what the spectrum of what it can look like is? I bet if I searched for a male genital health issue I wouldn’t get pictures of bananas. I would also find fairly detailed responses from a doctor instead of a shrug and “well it doesn’t matter”. I’m angry that more care isn’t taken when we are put back together but also because there is no help afterwards to come to terms with changes. What do you recommend I do?

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ANSWER: I’m so sorry you’ve had this experience with your body and our medical system. You have every right to be disappointed, sad and really, really angry.

You’re right – there’s a huge lack of access to resources especially for women around sexual health and the changes we can expect to our bodies following childbirth.

I share your frustration at the short sightedness of our medical system when it comes to our bodies being taken care of. And yes, it seems much easier to access resources relating to men’s sexual health and to have concerns about men’s sexual health taken more seriously.

If your doctor has said ‘it doesn’t matter’, it’s time for you to find a new doctor. There are doctors out there who care, will treat you holistically and who will take your concerns seriously.

In terms of understanding what ‘normal’ vulvas look like, it is difficult. The censorship laws in Australia have had a huge impact on this. These laws have contributed to a ‘tucked in’ vulva being considered the norm – it’s not.

There is a huge spectrum of what women’s vulvas look like. They’re all normal.

Greg Taylor’s exhibition (now on display as ‘The Great Wall of Vagina’ at the MONA museum) aims to help people realise this. I highly recommend it if you have the opportunity. There are also books created with this intention; 101 Vagina and Heart of the Flower. The Vulva Gallery on Instagram is another good resource. They provide hand drawn illustrations (of real photos) – it’s the best they can do with Facebook and Instagram’s censorship laws (another challenge in the quest for real information).

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Despite what we're led to believe, vaginas and vulvas come in all shapes and sizes. Picture: iStock.

Even if your vulva doesn’t currently fit with what you see in the resources you find, don’t be deterred.

I’ve spoken to many women who have been concerned about how their bodies have changed following child birth, along with their partners. It’s completely normal and understandable to be concerned about this. The overwhelming consensus from the partners I’ve spoken to is that they don’t care how things have changed ‘down there’. They love their partner and they’re just happy to be ‘intimate’.

The way you look is likely to be more concerning for you than a future partner.

That being said, if the changes to the way your vulva looks and feels remains concerning to you, speak to your doctor. You may wish to consider plastic surgery. This is not something I’d usually suggest as I believe labiaplasty, in particular, is unnecessary and feeds women’s insecurities around their body. However, it may be supportive for you given the circumstances.

On both a psychological level and a physical level, what you experienced may impact the pleasure you’re able to feel. You may need to discover new ways to enjoy yourself sexually. Take your time exploring by yourself and with a new partner.

I’M SCARED MY HUSBAND WILL GET DEPRESSED AGAIN

QUESTION: My husband had a period of depression around a decade ago and tried to take his own life. Thankfully he was found and saved before he died. It was a traumatic time but somehow we got through it. He is a lot happier today but I often worry he’ll get depressed again. If I ever try and bring it up he clams up and I’m afraid of saying the wrong thing. Should I just leave it and hope he’ll talk to me if he ever feels down again?

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Sexologist and couples therapist Isiah McKimmie.

ANSWER: I’m glad that your husband was able to make it through his challenging time and that your relationship survived. I’m sure it wasn’t easy.

‘Somehow we got through it’, doesn’t seem like enough to me. It’s important that your husband received adequate support for his mental health (and continues to have access to this support). It’s important for both him and for you.

There’s a chance that you may experiencing the effects of trauma after watching your husband go through what he did. It may be helpful for you to speak to someone to help you process this.

It may also be helpful for you to see a couples therapist together to guide you in these conversations. You need be able to share your concerns and talk together effectively so you can take on any future challenges as a team.

MY TEEN HASN’T KISSED ANYONE — IS THIS NORMAL?

QUESTION: My son is 19 years old and recently told me that he’s never kissed anyone or been in a relationship. What age is normal for these things to happen? I don’t want him to be left behind or waste his youth.

ANSWER: That’s totally normal. There’s a huge range of ages that people enter their first relationship and experience their first kiss.

Questioning your son further may enhance any shame that he feels about it, so go gently. Let him know that it’s totally okay that he hasn’t had a relationship yet and that you’re there if he ever has questions.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sex therapist and sexologist. For more expert advice follow her on Instagram.