Relationship Rehab: Wife’s high sex drive ruined by hubby’s habit

This wife loves sex and can’t wait to get it on, but there’s one problem getting in the way of her love life that she says is leaving her “upset”.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles a wife with a high sex drive struggling with her husband’s porn addiction, a man sick of being bossed around by his partner and a woman who has lost her confidence to date during lockdown.

HELP! MY HUSBAND IS ADDICTED TO PORN

QUESTION: I’m in a bit of a pickle. My husband and I have some problems communicating when it comes to sex, I have quite a high sex drive, and I also have a really bad connection of self-worth and sex. I know it’s not healthy and I’m trying to work through it. My husband has been seeing a psych for the past year to help with his addiction to porn, and sometimes when he has been watching porn, he doesn’t perform the best in the bedroom. It just seems to be a circle of me not wanting to upset him by asking if he has been watching porn and isn’t interested in sex, then he doesn’t want me cause he has porn, and then I’m just left feeling upset. What should I do?

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ANSWER: I can understand how this is upsetting and frustrating for you. I imagine it is for both of you.

This may be difficult for you to accept, but your husband’s addiction to porn and his reluctance to have sex with you aren’t because of you. It’s not a reflection of his love for you, your attractiveness or your worth.

It’s not a reflection of you at all. It’s his addiction. Which has likely developed due to multiple factors, many of which occurred early in his life.

This isn’t him rejecting you. This is his addiction getting between the two of you. You’ll need to work together, as a team, to stop it driving you further apart. It will be challenging, but it’s possible.

As you already recognise, there’s also a role you have to play by feeling better within yourself and breaking the connection between sex and self worth.

Start by examining how this connection developed for you. What were you taught about it in your childhood and growing up?

Then look at how you can build your inner self worth and resilience. I recommend getting support to work through this, rather than trying to do it on your own. Some tools for doing this are focusing on the things you value and appreciate about yourself and refusing to listen to the negative voice inside your head. Increase your own self-care and support outside the relationship.

Addiction to porn has nothing to do with the other partner’s reluctance to have sex. (Picture posed by models.) Picture: iStock.

It’s a really positive sign that your husband is willing to address this and is continuing to see his psychologist for support. This means he’s taking it seriously.

It’s important that you and your husband can learn to talk about this with each other. This will help you deal with it as a team and be able to support and reassure each other. You may need to seek out tools for more effective communication together.

It might also be helpful for you to speak to someone together who can help you communicate more effectively about this and understand each other’s point of view.

Consider developing ‘rituals’ together in regard to how you can let each other know when you’re interested in sex and how you can turn each other down without hurting each other.

Make sure you also have other ways that you connect and spend time together too. Maintain your friendship, go on date nights and connect in non-sexual ways.

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Sexologist and couples therapist Isiah McKimmie.

HOW DO I GET MY WIFE TO STOP BEING BOSSY?

QUESTION: My wife continually bosses me around and gets me to do everything, I’m tired of being a servant, how should I address this with her?

ANSWER: I’ll be honest, it’s hard to tell what’s actually going on here. Is your wife carrying the mental load and asking you to do your fair share of household tasks? Or is there a discrepancy in what she’s expecting you to do around the house?

There are two things you need to address here: household tasks and how you speak to each other.

Keep in mind this two step formula when raising issues or complaints with her:

1. Emotion.

2. Positive need.

When raising an issue, share your emotion about the issue and then share your needs in a positive way.

You also need to have a discussion about what roles you each play around the house and who is responsible for what.

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LOCKDOWN DESTROYED MY CONFIDENCE, HOW DO I DATE AGAIN?

QUESTION: I haven’t dated for months because of lockdown and now I don’t know where to start. I feel unconfident and ugly after being stuck inside for months. What can I do to work on my self-esteem?

ANSWER: Firstly, know that we’re all in the same boat here.

As I’m in NSW, we’ve been allowed out for a while. Many of my friends and I commented on how we forgot how to socialise while we were in iso. And the first few times I went out were completely overwhelming. Most of us didn’t keep up the exercise routines we set back in April either.

Start by getting back out and doing the things you love. Exercise again (it’s good for our mental health) and spend time with your friends. If they’re good friends, they’ll also remind you of the positive qualities you have.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sex therapist and sexologist. For more expert advice follow her on Instagram.