Relationship Rehab: Wife’s sex problem with ‘attractive’ husband

They have been together for 20 years and have sex twice a week – but one wife is finding a niggling issue with their bedroom habits.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles a wife sick of always being on top in the bedroom, a person concerned they might be having too much sex and a woman who wants to explore her sexuality as a single mum.

HELP! I’M SICK OF ALWAYS HAVING SEX IN THE SAME POSITION

QUESTION: My husband and I have been together for the past 20 years. He is 10 years older then me. (Him being in his mid-50s). For nearly four years, he will not get “on top” due to his sore knees/hips. This means it is always up to me to “get on”, even doing it from behind seems to hurt. He is very attentive in other ways and will make sure I always orgasm both by being on top and other ways but I miss having that feeling of being underneath someone. I have spoken to him about it but he doesn’t say too much. We normally have sex once or twice per week and now my knees are getting sore! Lol.

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ANSWER: I love hearing stories of long-term couples who still have active and enjoyable sex lives. Congratulations. It sounds like, for the most part, you have a good relationship and satisfying intimate life.

Sex will change constantly throughout our lives. It’s possible to continue to enjoy satisfying sex lives well into our 80s, although we need to expect some changes. Couples who continue to have great sex lives, find ways to adapt as their circumstances, sexual function and bodies change.

It can be difficult to face these changes in our body and sexual function. As we age, we experience changes to our physical mobility, decreased lubrication and sensation for women, increased erectile dysfunction for men, along with mental and emotional changes.

Couples who are able to talk about problems have happier relationships than those who don’t. My first suggestion is that you try (again) to have a conversation together about this.

I imagine it’s currently hard for your husband to talk about, for a number of reasons. Facing our own sense of mortality and ageing can be challenging. There’s likely also a degree of shame and failure he feels about not being able to give you what you want.

Be mindful of how you raise this issue, so your husband doesn’t feel blamed or become defensive.

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The woman loves sex with her "very attractive" husband – but doesn't like always being on top. Picture: iStock.

I suggest using a ‘gentle start-up’. In a ‘gentle start-up’, you’ll share your emotions and voice your needs in a positive way.

It might sound something like this:

I love our sex life and I love that we’re able to continue to be active and intimate together in this way. I’m aware that we’re both beginning to change and I’d love for us to work together to find ways to keep sex fun, exciting and enjoyable for both of us.

Try to see this issue, not as you two against each other, both trying to get your needs heard and point across, but as the two of you working as a team to take on the changes you’re both facing.

On a practical level, there are a number of supports that may help.

There are a number of specially designed chairs and cushions that can help give you access to a greater variety of positions without pain. These ‘sex pillows’ can help take the pressure off your body and make sex more comfortable (even for people who don’t have sore knees to begin with).

You might also find it helpful to explore different positions or variations of the positions you previously enjoyed. For example:

• Missionary position where neither of you need to bend your knees (more like a plank.)

• Spooning

• Scissoring

• Sitting on a chair or using the edge of the bed

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Sexologist and couples therapist Isiah McKimmie.

IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE TOO MUCH SEX?

QUESTION: My intimate partner and I have been having sex extremely frequently when together, about five times a day. Is there such a thing as too much sex or are we both just extremely horny?

ANSWER: There are a few things to consider in answering this question.

Firstly, at the beginning of a relationship, during limerence or ‘the honeymoon period’, you’re likely to have sex much more often that later on.

Sometimes high levels of sex can be used as a coping strategy for difficult emotions (much like any other addiction). It’s worth considering whether this is true for either of you.

Also consider if and how the amount of sex you’re having is impacting your life. For example, if it contributes to you being you late for work or distracted by sexual thoughts, you might like to examine this further.

I’M A SINGLE MUM. HOW CAN I EXPLORE MY FEELINGS FOR WOMEN?

QUESTION: I’m a 25-year-old female, who has always been interested in the opposite sex. My last partner and I had a baby fairly early on in our relationship and separated when the baby was eight months old. He’s now two and I’ve recently been starting to get feelings for the same sex. Is this normal, and if so, how can I start to meet/date other females without it being weird with my history?

ANSWER: We tend to think of sexual orientation as rigid and fitting specific and limited categories (like heterosexual, homosexual and bisexual). But this isn’t really the case at all.

Sexual attraction and orientation is more like a scale – and can change throughout our life. It’s not uncommon for someone to be attracted to one gender and then find that you have sexual attraction or fall in love with someone of a different gender.

Most online dating apps have the ability for you to choose which gender you’d like to meet. You could also meet someone at a queer-friendly venue or event.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sex therapist and sexologist. For more expert advice follow her on Instagram