Relationship Rehab: Work bombshell wife hides from husband

They’ve been together for three years and were “really happy” – until a stunning change at work left the woman flinching at any intimacy.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles a woman whose partner is now her “rude” boss, a man curious about how to make his partner orgasm and what to do if you keep getting ghosted.

MY PARTNER IS NOW MY BOSS – WHAT DO I DO?

QUESTION: My partner and I have been together for three years and until recently we were really happy. We met as work colleagues, but working together and being in a relationship was never an issue… until now. About six months ago he was promoted and is now my manager. He’s taking the role very seriously and is proving to be a bit of a tyrant. I don’t want him to give me any special treatment but he’s quite rude to me and the other workers – he never really says please or thank you and isn’t very encouraging. If he wasn’t my boyfriend I’d think he was a douche! When we get home he expects everything to be fine but I sometimes find myself flinching when he goes to kiss me. I’m struggling to separate my work life and home life. How do I tell him to lay off me at work when he’s my boyfriend and my boss?

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ANSWER: I’m surprised your workplace would do this.

As a practical step, speak to HR and see if there’s a possibility of you getting a transfer somewhere else. It’s also in their best interest. If this ends up impacting your relationship, that will in turn have an impact on the workplace – and the ability of both of you to do your jobs well.

Taking your role seriously and being rude are really two separate issues. I wonder if he’s actually acting like this because there’s an underlying insecurity about doing his job well, or a feeling that he has to act like this to get things done.

This is a delicate one for you to deal with in your relationship.

It’s completely understandable that what’s happening between you at work is impacting how you feel at home. It’s not something that you can just turn on and off.

You could raise this (gently) with him – if he’s like this with other workers, he may need to hear some feedback that will help him be a better manager. If he’s a tyrant as you say, I suspect that he’ll hear it from someone sooner or later.

The Non-Violent Communication framework that I use often with couples has a helpful four step process for raising difficult issues like this.

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It's understandable that your relationship at work would be effecting things at home, Isiah says. Picture: iStock.

• Share your observation (without blame or judgment)

• Share your emotions

• State your needs

• Make a request

So here’s what it might look like:

Observation: I’ve noticed myself pulling away from you as a result of some of the interactions we’ve had at work.

Emotion: I feel upset and afraid of what this might mean for our relationship.

Need: I have a need for us to have respectful communication and maintain a good professional and personal relationship.

Request: I’d love it if we could talk about things we could do together to make sure that happens. Is that something you’d be open to?

You might need to have this conversation in regard to the overall situation, but also in regard to smaller incidents that arise or have arisen.

It might also be helpful for you to ask your partner how he’s feeling in his new role – it may provide an opportunity to understand what’s going on underneath his current behaviour.

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Sexologist and couples therapist Isiah McKimmie.

HOW CAN I GET MY GIRLFRIEND TO REACH ORGASM?

QUESTION: What’s the best way to help a woman reach orgasm? I’m in a new relationship and I want to impress her in the bedroom.

ANSWER: There are a few key factors, proven by research, to help a woman reach orgasm.

In terms of being a woman’s partner, here are the ones important to you:

• Make sure you spend at least 15 minutes in foreplay before proceeding to penetrative sex.

• Include kissing, touching each other’s genitals and oral sex in foreplay.

• Make sure she feels comfortable.

If you really want to impress her though, don’t just focus on ‘helping her to reach orgasm’. Show that you’re someone reliable, respectful, and supportive. Practice consent and good communication in the bedroom. Don’t put pressure on her to reach orgasm. Help her feel safe and valued.

HELP! I KEEP GETTING GHOSTED AND I DON’T KNOW WHY

QUESTION: Why do men keep ghosting me? I’m a 35-year-old woman and I’m ready to settle down but the men I keep talking to on apps often stop replying mid-conversation or they never want to see me after one date. How do I find someone when there are no manners left in dating?

ANSWER: Ghosting is upsetting and can completely undermine your confidence.

Ghosting can happen whether you’re doing anything ‘wrong’, or not. It’s one of the unfortunate trends that’s come with the new availability of online dating and new ‘matches’.

I don’t know why these men keep ghosting you. It may be that you’re attracted to the wrong kind of man, it may be that your texting game needs some work or that you’re just not a great date right now. Why do you think it is?

Don’t give up. There are still great men out there. I know a lot of them.