Relationship Rehab: Wife’s bombshell about hubby’s ‘sweet’ sisters

When they met, she thought her husband’s daily habit was “sweet and adorable” – but she was stunned when she realised the truth.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles a wife who can’t stand her husband’s overbearing family, a man who doesn’t want kids and a woman who keeps getting rejected after the first date.

I LOVE MY HUSBAND BUT HATE SPENDING TIME WITH HIS FAMILY

QUESTION: My husband is from a big family and they’re all extremely close. When we first got together we were both living overseas and I thought him calling his mum every day and Skyping with his sisters was sweet and adorable. Now that we’re in Australia I have a different view.

Every weekend is taken up with some family birthday or occasion that we “have” to go to. Then when we are there I have to listen to his mum and sisters criticise my every move – from how I dress to what I cook, nothing I do is good enough for their golden boy.

I genuinely hate my mother-in-law and I hate my husband when he’s with her. He becomes spineless and never sticks up for me. We always row after family events and I’m not sure how much more I can take. I love him but not his family. He wants to have kids and I know that will mean even more family time. I honestly don’t know what to do.

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ANSWER: It’s common for couples to have challenges with extended family, and it’s never easy. I feel for you in this, it sounds really horrible and difficult.

Studies have found that when it comes to extended family, it’s crucial for the success of a relationship that couples put their partners first. It’s really important that you maintain the solidarity between you and deal with his family together, as a team.

He needs to be able to understand your perspective on this, as you do his and find ways of dealing with this together if your relationship is going to survive. If you’re not able to do this, it’s going to come between you.

It concerns me that he isn’t able to adequately support you around his family. It sounds like you need him to set firmer boundaries with his family, but for whatever reason, that’s difficult for him. I’m wondering if there are cultural issues or other family dynamics here that make this difficult for him.

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The woman said she disliked her husband when he was with his family. Picture: iStock.

It also sounds like you might benefit from setting your own boundaries around the amount of time you spend with his family. Being criticised by your partner’s family isn’t okay. You’re entitled to set boundaries in how you’re willing to be spoken to and how much time you spend with them.

If you haven’t already, share with him the specific things his family says to you and the emotion that triggers in you. Let him know that you need to be treated with more respect and need his support.

Be compassionate and understanding about his need to maintain his relationship with his family – even if it’s a closer relationship than you would want. Look for ways that you can compromise on the amount of time you spend with them.

It shouldn’t be up to you to give feedback and set boundaries with your husband’s family. He needs to take responsibility for this and show you that he has your back.

Dealing with extended family issues can be a sensitive topic. It would likely help you to seek the support of a therapist or counsellor who can help you talk about this as a neutral third party.

HELP! MY WIFE WANTS KIDS, I DON’T

QUESTION: My wife and I have always said we don’t want kids and were happy with that decision. We’re now in our 40s and comfortably off and happy. But now my wife is saying she wants to foster and maybe even adopt a kid. I’m really not keen but don’t know what to say as she says she feels the need to “give back”. What should I say to her?

ANSWER: I don’t know what you should say to her, but I do think you both need to understand each other’s perspectives further. This is the first step for you.

Women’s relationships to motherhood can be complex and challenging. They can also change suddenly, especially as we reach the end of our child-bearing years.

Try to understand more about where this desire to ‘give back’ is coming from for her and any emotion that she feels around this topic. When you feel like you understand each other fully, then see if you can find practical ways to meet her needs that would work for both of you.

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Sexologist and couples therapist Isiah McKimmie.

I KEEP GETTING REJECTED AFTER THE FIRST DATE

QUESTION: I went on a date a few weeks ago and felt I really connected with him. We chatted and laughed for hours and even talked about “next time” we saw each other. Then the next day he sent me a rejection text. This seems to always happen. How can I connect with men who want to see me again?

ANSWER: That sucks. I can see why it would feel frustrating and disheartening – especially if this feels like a pattern for you.

Don’t let it get to you. Chances are it isn’t personal, just one of the effects of the swipe-dating culture.

Don’t just settle for the guys that want to see you again too. You deserve better than that. Look for the guy/s that are really right for you. If this guy didn’t want to see you again, he’s not the right one for you.

Some people are just really rude and there’s nothing we can do to stop ourselves having bad dates. But if we do want to find lasting love, we have to keep picking ourselves up.

Keep picking yourself up and putting yourself out there. And keep doing the things that fill you up in the meantime.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sex therapist and sexologist. For more expert advice follow her on Instagram.