Relationship Rehab: Wife’s despair over seven-year sex drought

They’ve been together for 16 years and haven’t had sex for almost half that time – so what should this sexually frustrated woman do?

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles a woman who hasn’t had sex in years but wants kids ASAP, a husband upset at how his wife talks to him and a daughter who thinks her mum deserves better than her dad.

WE HAVEN’T HAD SEX IN YEARS, BUT I WANT CHILDREN ASAP

QUESTION: I have been with my husband for 16 years, married for 10. We haven’t been intimate for over seven years. I took my husband’s virginity and had many partners prior to my husband. We have grown apart, I lost my libido with weight gain and depression, sex became a chore. However, I now have my libido back and want sex. I also want kids but my biological clock is ticking very loudly, I need to fall pregnant ASAP. My husband would make a great father but I don’t find him sexually attractive. We are currently sleeping in separate bedrooms and have been for months. I feel we have moved to more of a friendship than a married couple. I don’t know how to move forward, how to communicate with my husband or where to start.

ANSWER: Seriously consider getting your relationship back on track before you decide to have children. Having children increases the pressures on each of you as individuals and on the relationship.

While it’s common for sexual desire to fall in a long-term relationship, there are things going on here that concern me and don’t bode well for a happy, long-term relationship.

You mention that you and your husband have grown apart, that you’re no longer sexually attracted to him and that you have difficulties communicating together. These things don’t become easier to rectify after you have children.

Does your husband want kids at this point? I understand you feel your biological clock ticking, but this is a decision you need to make together. If it is something you both want, make an effort to rebuild your relationship at the same time.

I often work with couples who haven’t had sex in months or even years, so know that it is possible to reignite this area of your relationship. It’s going to take some time and effort from both of you.

There are three key areas to address in a relationship – and in your case, it sounds like all three need to be improved.

It’s common for sexual desire to ebb and flow in a long-term relationship. Picture: iStock.

1. Build Connection and Friendship

Begin by rebuilding your connection – as lovers, not just friends. You need to address the ways you’ve grown apart and the emotional distance that’s grown between you. Spend time together, find ways of having fun together again.

2. Improve Communication

Improving communication in a relationship isn’t just about sharing more (though that can be part of it), it’s also helpful to learn new skills to do that well and without upsetting each other.

3. Reignite Sexual Intimacy

Once you have a solid foundation of connection and communication, it becomes easier to work on sexual intimacy.

Your sexual attraction to your husband may increase when your relationship is functioning better. If it doesn’t, you face a decision about what to do with your relationship, but you’ll know that you’ve done everything to give your desire and your relationship the best shot possible.

HOW DO I STOP MY WIFE BEING SO RUDE TO ME ALL THE TIME?

QUESTION: My wife never says please or thank you for anything. She speaks to me like I’m dirt and it really hurts my feelings. I love her so much and just want her to be happy but she never seems to be. How do I say something to her without her losing it?

ANSWER: In over 40 years of researching what makes relationships fail and succeed, Dr John Gottman found that there are four communication styles that can predict relationship failure with over 90 per cent accuracy.

Your wife is showing two of them in the small amount of information you’ve given me right now – criticism and contempt. If these communication styles continue, they’re going to erode your relationship. They also point to the likelihood that there’s more going on between you.

The best way to share something that is upsetting you is to use the two step process of sharing your emotion and then your positive need. This focuses on you – not on what your wife is doing wrong.

I suggest that you seek couples therapy to help resolve some of the underlying issues.

Sexologist and couples therapist Isiah McKimmie.

HELP! MY MUM PUTS UP WITH TOO MUCH FROM MY DAD

QUESTION: My parents have been together for almost 50 years and although my mum’s happy, I feel like she puts up with too much from my dad. He’s hard working and can be lovely but when he’s had a drink he’s rude and embarrassing. I’ve fallen out with him numerous times over it but he never changes his bad habits. Every time I bring it up with Dad it causes friction between him and Mum, so I’ve stopped. Now I dread seeing them both in case he drinks too much. What should I do?

ANSWER: You can set boundaries for yourself, but you need to accept the choices your Mum makes for herself. People make relationships work in all kinds of ways – and for various reasons.

What you’re willing to accept in your relationship and what your Mum is willing to accept are two different things.

Given that it seems unlikely for your Dad to take on feedback and change himself at this point, I think you need to ask how you can tolerate seeing them and what boundaries you need to set to make it bearable. For example, you can make a decision to leave if he does drink too much. It seems unlikely that you’ll keep everyone happy. Aim for a middle ground.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sex therapist and sexologist. For more expert advice follow her on Instagram.