Relationship Rehab: ‘Highly sexual’ wife’s bedroom complaint

Newly married, she wants to “explore” what it means to be husband and wife – but her bedroom requests keep making him “upset”.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles a newlywed whose sex life has “completely dropped off”, a boyfriend who has trouble getting aroused and a woman overwhelmed by the number of sex toys out there.

QUESTION: I recently got married and since then I feel way more anxious around other people. I’d rather just sit at home with my husband. I feel like I need to explore more about him and what it means to be a married person. When I mention this to him and others they say I’m isolating myself and him. Is it wrong to just want to bask in the fact I got married after swearing I never would? I’m also struggling with the sex side of things. I am highly sexual and often try to entice him to want to have sex. It never used to be an issue but lately, our sex life has completely dropped off. If I say anything, he just gets upset. I feel like I’m not wanted.

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ANSWER: It’s difficult to tell what exactly is going on here, but it sounds like your relationship anxieties may have been triggered by your marriage.

It certainly makes sense to me that you want to explore what being a married person means to you and spend quality time with your husband in this special time. That being said, I’m both curious and a little concerned about your anxiety that’s arising with other people.

It sounds like you trying to entice your husband to have sex is your way of trying to create connection with him and to ease your anxiety. My guess is that you wanting more connection with him and his desire dropping off may be connected.

That doesn’t make your desire for sex or connection wrong, but it is important for you to look at the dynamic that’s being created between you.

Were the relationships you experienced early in your life (with your primary caregivers) unstable or lacking certainty in some ways? What you’re describing fits patterns we see in adults later in life. It might be helpful for you to explore and discuss your early relationships with your partner or a therapist to get some understanding of how they might be impacting you now.

There is no right or wrong level of connection (or sex) in a relationship. What’s important is how you and your partner balance the needs you each have for this.

If you can talk constructively together about this, do that. If you’re both feeling too emotional about it or don’t seem to get anywhere, I suggest reaching out to a good couples therapist who can help you have some of those conversations and implement practical solutions.

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There’s no wrong or right amount of sex in relationships. Picture: iStock.

HELP! MY BOYFRIEND HAS PROBLEMS ‘GETTING IT UP’

QUESTION: I’ve started seeing someone new and he’s awesome. We click in so many ways. But just not sexually. He’s had problems getting it up and is actually just really small. I know that probably shouldn’t be a factor, but it is for me. I don’t know how to tell him.

ANSWER: Here’s my experience. I’ve worked with many couples who didn’t have amazing sex at the beginning, but were able to work through it. I’ve also worked with couples who have struggled for years with sexual problems that existed at the beginning.

Sexual challenges are an opportunity to talk and learn more about sex. There are also many successful treatments available for erectile dysfunction, including therapy.

That brings us to the issue of size. It’s not the most important factor (and bigger isn’t necessarily better) but size can play a role in sexual enjoyment.

I think my advice to you is to consider if there’s enough good in the connection you have to try to work through this together. If there isn’t, tell him you just don’t feel the spark and chemistry you need to take this further.

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Sexologist and couples therapist Isiah McKimmie.

HOW DO I PICK THE RIGHT SEX TOY FOR ME?

QUESTION: I really want to buy a sex toy but I feel overwhelmed at what’s out there – there’s so many and they’re all so different. As a woman, what should I look out for?

ANSWER: Choosing the right sex toy can feel overwhelming. Even I sometimes look at the latest sex toys and wonder what exactly you do with them.

Here’s a few points to consider:

1. Know where/how you experience pleasure

Consider whether you prefer clitoral stimulation, G-spot pressure, anal pleasure, general penetration or a combination. Choose a toy specifically designed for what you enjoy.

2. Consider whether you’d like to use it alone or with a partner

Some toys are specifically designed for couples use, while others are easily incorporated.

3. Always choose a toy made of body safe materials like high quality silicone.

Don’t – just don’t – buy toys made of cheap plastic. Although the purchase price is slightly higher, your body will thank you.

If you’re unsure, try a review website like PleasureBase where they compare products and providers and have educational blogs about what to look for.

Isiah McKimmie is a Couples Therapist, Sex Therapist and Sexologist. For more expert advice follow her on Instagram.

If you have a question for Isiah, email [e-mail]