‘My wife isn’t adventurous in bed so I’m thinking of leaving her’

A Queensland man has detailed why he’s not happy with his sex life – and that he might be about to end his marriage over it.

You need to talk to your wife about this issue. But you also need to be careful. Picture: iStock

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie explains how sex in a marriage is a two-way street.

Question: My wife and I have been married for four years and dated for three years before that. I am in my mid-30s, and she is in her mid-40s. She is extremely independent and career focused, and I respect her immensely.

However, she is not very outgoing sexually and I am an incredibly sexual person. I’m very open to trying new things and have done a lot sexually in the past such as three-ways, orgies, etc. These things are very important to me, as my love language is touch and affection.

I have been consistently disappointed by her utter lack of affection and our sub-par sex life. She seems unwilling to try new things in bed (such as toys, some role play, hell even oral sex on her) or open up to me (wearing lingerie, sending sexual pictures, dirty talk). I have been patient and tried for years now, providing her with information such as numerous articles about these subjects online. Do you see any hope here, or should I simply end things now and start a new chapter in my life?

Answer: I have to admit that your consideration of ending your relationship over this seems like a leap to me. But I do understand how important sexual compatibility is for some people. Helping women break free from sexual inhibitions is one of my passions, so let’s look at some steps you can take before deciding whether you leave.

Build understanding before taking action

Whatever challenge we’re facing in a relationship, we need to start with understanding. Without better understanding of the issues, behaviour changes are likely to be ineffective or lack longevity.

Your wife probably feels guilty, like a failure and frustrated that she doesn’t know how to change this. Picture: iStock

She needs to understand why this is so important to you

How does it impact you when your partner doesn’t engage with you in those ways? What does someone being sexually open with you mean to you? Communicating this to your wife will broaden her understanding of why this matters to you – and potentially allow her to feel more empathy about it.

You also need to understand what’s happening for your wife. Your wife probably feels guilty, like a failure and frustrated that she doesn’t know how to change this.

Sexual attitudes impact sexual behaviour

It’s not uncommon for people, especially women, to have fears, inhibitions and shame around sex, which impact their sexual behaviours (and enjoyment).

What we view as sexually acceptable is based on the messages we receive growing up and the experiences we have throughout our life.

Our culture has more restrictive (and punitive) attitudes for women than for men when it comes to sex. To be ‘too sexual’ for women is to risk being judged. Particularly if there’s a strong religious background, women can be reluctant to be sexually open.

It is possible to become more sexually free, but it takes time, effort and support.

It’s not uncommon for people, especially women, to have fears, inhibitions and shame around sex. Picture: iStock

To explore, we need to feel safe

I get the sense that you’ve been giving your wife information about what to do but haven’t addressed any of the underlying feelings or attitudes.

Providing information isn’t enough to motivate someone to do something – especially something outside their comfort zone.

In order to start to change sexual attitudes and explore more sexually, we need to feel safe. Urging or trying to force your wife to change will make things worse and create resistance.

Aim to create safety and understanding so that your wife can feel safe to explore further with you. This may be something that requires the help of a therapist.

Talk about this together

You need to talk to your wife about this issue, but you also need to be careful.

Your conversations about this need to be a discussion aiming for more understanding and your joint, common goals as a couple – not you (yet again) telling your wife what you want. That may just lead to further resistance.

In order to be able to work on this, your partner will need to feel like you’re working towards common goals – not just getting her to meet your goals and needs.

This may be something that requires the help of a therapist. Picture: iStock.

Decide whether you want the same thing

It’s possible that with more understanding, safety and support, your wife will be able to change her sexual attitudes and behaviours.

I’ve certainly seen remarkable change with many women I’ve helped in therapy who previously felt inhibited sexually.

But this will need to happen from a foundation of choosing to build a stronger, more resilient relationship together.

If, after hearing what this means to you – and feeling like you care about her needs – your wife still doesn’t want to even try to address this, well then you have a decision to make about how you go forward.

It would be understandable, if sexual openness is more important to you than the other qualities your wife brings to your relationship, that you decide you can’t continue as things are. Though I hope you can address this as a team.

Isiah McKimmie is a Couples Therapist, Sexologist, Sex Therapist and Lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy