Nadia Bokody: Why you need to indulge your partner’s kinks

What do you do if your partner has different tastes in the bedroom? Nadia Bokody says the answer is simple but “uncomfortable”.

About a month ago, I bumped into an old work colleague on the street.

After a few minutes of small talk, the conversation relaxed, and we began discussing her relationship with her partner of several years.

Then (probably because she knows I write about sex for a living) she leaned in and confessed something …

As it turned out, she’d recently decided to open up to her significant other about the fact she was into bondage and sex parties and asked if he’d be open to trying a few kinkier things in the bedroom, or even attending an event together one weekend.

Unfortunately, he wasn’t as enthusiastic about her proposal as she hoped for, and immediately shut it down.

Writer and sex expert Nadia Bokody says there’s an easy way to better your sex life. Picture: Instagram/Nadia Bokody

It’s a predicament many couples find themselves in: getting a few months or years into the relationship, only to discover you’re not actually sexually compatible with the person you’ve committed to doing the deed with indefinitely.

Ironically, while we’re busily quizzing our potential soulmates on their views on kids, marriage, and money in the dating process, we forget to ask arguably one of the most important questions of all: “What are you into in bed?”

Even more curiously, we do this in allegiance to the idea it’s crude and awkward to bring up the topic of sex so early into the courtship process. This is despite the fact most of us actually have sex during this same period.

So, what’s a guy (or gal, or non-binary pal) to do when they find themselves in a relationship with someone who’s into stuff they don’t find vaguely arousing?

I’m going to suggest something a little controversial and say: do the thing.

Do the thing your partner’s into. Do it even if it doesn’t float your boat.

Unless it’s traumatic or physically or emotionally distressing, give it a go.

An ex of mine once stood at a MAC Cosmetics counter with me while I tried on 13 different nude lipsticks. He later described the experience as akin to watching paint dry – actually, I believe his words were, “Watching paint dry would have been more exciting,” – but he did it anyway, because he knew the exhilaration I’d feel once I hit upon my perfect shade. (FYI it was Honeylove).

Indulging in your partner’s kink, even if it’s not your own, will benefit your relationship. Picture: iStock

Relationships are about compromise, and that often involves getting out of our comfort zones.

Whether it’s participating in something that bores us to tears, being more affectionate when we may not feel like it, or reaching for the bondage gear even though we’d just as happily have a traditional quickie, the best partners are up for the challenge.

It’s an attitude American sex columnist Dan Savage famously refers to as “GGG” – an abbreviation for “good, giving and game”.

“Think ‘good in bed,’ ‘giving equal time and equal pleasure,’ and ‘game for anything – within reason,’ Savage explained in one of his early columns.

And science backs it up. A study published in the Journal of Sex Research found couples experienced higher levels of relationship satisfaction when one or both partners made what researchers refer to as “sexual transformations” – sexual changes made for the sake of a partner or the relationship.

In other words, the more game a person’s partner was to meet their SO’s sexual needs via things like having sex more often and trying new sexual activities, even when it wasn’t their personal preference, the more likely both people were to report feeling happy – in and out of the bedroom.

It would be ideal if we lived in a culture that normalised talking about sex (and hopefully this column is making a small step toward that); one where we vetted our potential partners for sexual compatibility in the same way we do any other important value. But until then, most of us are going to need to make a few sexual transformations to keep the spark alive.

Sure, you might not be partial to wearing a leather harness to bed. But if your partner gets a kick out of it and it doesn’t traumatise or pain you to do so, it’s a small sacrifice to make to ensure the longevity of your relationship.

And if they’re not willing to make any compromises in the bedroom (providing what you’re asking for is reasonable and not something that will harm, endanger or distress them), it may be time to consider if the relationship is right for you. Or, you could do as my old work friend did, and re-partner with someone who gleefully straps into leather every other weekend.

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