Nadia Bokody: Embarrassing sex lie men keep making that needs to stop

When it comes to men and sex there’s one all-too-common claim they make about women in the bedroom that’s so wrong it’s cringe-worthy.

There are two types of men who click on this column.

Guys who want to have better sex with women, and guys who hate-read my work and demand I admit to being a misandrist.

In truth, if I abhorred men, I’d have no problem saying so.

I’ve never been shy about pointing out the myriad ways our culture facilitates and rewards men’s poor behaviour, nor the fact I believe we set the bar abysmally low when it comes to what we expect from them in romantic relationships (read: applauding fathers for co-parenting their own kids and fawning over boyfriends who do the dishes).

And frankly, I don’t need to exhaust any energy making men look entitled and fragile, because there are enough of them out there doing it for me.

Take, for example, the tweet that went viral last month, in which a guy unsarcastically argued women aren’t capable of climaxing.

“I’ve f***ed dozens upon dozens of women and not a single one was able to c*m. It’s biologically impossible for women to achieve orgasm,” he proclaimed.

The bar is very low for men when it comes to expectations in romantic relationships with women, writes Nadia Bokody. Picture: Instagram/NadiaBokody

Or controversial conservative Ben Shapiro’s response to Cardi B’s WAP last year, when he insisted women who become lubricated during sex are suffering from a medical condition:

“My only real concern is that the women involved – who apparently require a “bucket and a mop” — get the medical care they require.

“My doctor wife’s differential diagnosis: bacterial vaginosis, yeast infection, or trichomonis,” Shapiro tweeted.

Because we live in a culture dedicated to preserving men’s egos, women who point out (and yes, even mock – because come onnnn, duuuuude … who publicly admits to never having turned on their own wife?!?) are instantly labelled bitter man-hating shrews.

The most common message I get from men whenever I post anything that shines a light on pleasure-based inequality is, “Why do you hate men so much?”. And it’s very telling to me, that the mere act of highlighting what is an indisputable imbalance in gendered experiences of sex, is cause for being branded a misandrist.

It’s concerning just how many men get views of female pleasure so wrong. Picture: iStock.

Last month, I reposted a comedic series of men’s self-owns to Instagram, including a tweet in which a guy ignorantly confessed: “I have yet to meet a hetero woman who enthusiastically participates in sex”, and another bragged about his disinterest in getting his female partner to orgasm.

The backlash I received from men in my DMs in response to reposting these comments, was swift and sharp. Most significantly, it emphasised just how much male fragility taints the water we swim in when we dive into discussions around female sexual pleasure.

It’s obviously easier to call a woman a “man-hater” than it is to come to terms with your own sexual shortcomings as a man – particularly when you exist within a culture dedicated to bolstering your ego, routinely at the cost of women’s comfort.

It should come as no coincidence that, while men are busy screaming at women on the internet for challenging how low the sexual bar is, research shows there’s a mammoth disparity in the amount of pleasure we experience in the bedroom in heterosexual relationships. (Men climax roughly 95 per cent of the time during partnered sex, while women do so just 65 per cent of the time, according to one of the biggest studies ever undertaken on the orgasm gap.)

Pointing out the gap in sexual pleasure between men and women often sees Nadia accused of being a misandrist. Picture: Instagram/NadiaBokody

It should also not be surprising then, while we continue to put the focus on safeguarding men’s egos, we aren’t making strides toward closing this gap.

Actually, current data suggests a whopping 30 per cent of women experience pain or discomfort during sex, and “large proportions” don’t tell their male partners about it.

I could be sarcastic and a little vindictive and say that, perhaps if men followed their own advice to women and learned to “stop being so sensitive”, we could actually have a meaningful collective dialogue about sex.

But I really don’t need to do that, because if you’re reading this column right now, there are already a hundred men trolling my Instagram page making my point for me.

Follow Nadia Bokody on Instagram and YouTube for more sex, relationship and mental health content.