‘My husband wants to sleep with strangers’

A woman who loves her husband but is in a sexless marriage with him isn’t sure how to respond to one of his unusual demands.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie hears from a reader who wants to know what she can do to stop her husband from wanting casual sex with strangers.

QUESTION: I’ve been with my husband for seven years and we have so much fun together. He makes me laugh and I can’t imagine my life without him. The problem is that we’ve never had a great sex life.

When we very first got together things were pretty good but after the first month or so it became less frequent and now our marriage is sexless. We have talked about why this is and my husband confessed that he doesn’t find sex with me exciting.

He says it’s nothing I’m doing, it’s the fact that he doesn’t get turned on by the thought of sex with people he knows – he enjoys having sex with strangers. He has requested to be able to have sex with other people and I’ve given him permission to explore that.

The problem is, I feel incredibly jealous and I have no interest in casual sex with strangers. I love my husband so much but I don’t feel comfortable with this arrangement. What can I do? I don’t want to lose my husband but I’m not happy.

The reader has asked Isiah what she can do to stop her husband from wanting casual sex with strangers. Picture: iStock

ANSWER: It sounds like there’s a lot that’s great in your relationship for you to be together for this long. I hear you love and care for your partner and you have a strong desire to stay together.

You’re also dealing with some significant challenges that will require professional support so they don’t cause bigger issues further down the line.

Disconnection between love and sex

Your husband has a disconnect between sex and love.

My guess is that it stems from relationship issues that began early in his life that effects emotional intimacy and connection.

It’s not uncommon for desire to wane as familiarity grows in a relationship. Desire requires some excitement and mystery, but love is built on trust and security – quite the opposite to desire. For your husband it seems that the boundary between love and desire is even more rigid.

For reasons that are well worth exploring with him, he’s unable to feel desire for anyone that he has feelings of connection with.

It’s likely that your husband was hurt by someone who cared for him as a child or that his close relationships were unsafe in some way. His inability to have sex with someone he has feelings for is a way of keeping distance (and therefore safety) in a relationship. This is worth exploring with a therapist who can help him work through this.

It’s not uncommon for desire to wane as familiarity grows in a relationship. Picture: iStock

Co-dependence

You have your own relationship issues to address here.

In giving your husband permission to have sex with other people, you’re saying yes to something that makes you deeply uncomfortable because you’re afraid to lose him.

While some compromise is necessary in relationships and we strive to meet the needs of those we care about, there needs to be balance. You’re essentially meeting his needs at the expense of your own, leading to an imbalanced and unhealthy relationship.

This is a sign of co-dependency.

Just as your husband has issues to examine that likely began in childhood, it’s worth examining your own patterns in the relationship too.

Somewhere in your life you learned that in order to have love, you had to sacrifice your own needs – and that if you didn’t, there would be consequences.

It makes sense that you don’t want to have casual sex with strangers and it’s certainly understandable that you feel uncomfortable with your partner having sex with others.

Jealousy and insecurity build distance and resentment over time. This isn’t something that you need to accept in a relationship. You need to do something about this.

Be wary of agreeing to something you are uncomfortable with because of your fear of losing your partner. Picture: iStock

Professional support can help

You’re not just dealing with an issue about sex or an open relationship here. The challenges you’re facing are deeply rooted in childhood attachment issues.

I wouldn’t be surprised to discover that you face additional issues in your relationship at times too.

I’m rarely so direct, but I recommend you see a Couples Therapist together.

It’s just too hard to explore these issues on your own and be able to find a way to solve them.

When couples try to talk about complex issues like this together they often end in an argument or just going around in circles because they don’t have the right tools to fix it. A well qualified Couples Therapist will draw on methods of therapy that have been proven to help a high percentage of couples and work through this with you.

I would love to see you move towards a happier relationship and a satisfying sex life together. Reach out to a Couples Therapist and get support.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sexologist, sex therapist and lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy.