‘My wife won’t make any decisions and it’s exhausting’

A man has a great relationship with his wife, but there’s one big issue that drives him up the wall — he is just not sure how to tell her.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie hears from a reader whose wife leaves decision-making solely up to him.

QUESTION: My wife and I have a great relationship – she makes me laugh and is very kind-hearted. My only issue with her is that she can’t – or won’t! – make decisions. I think it’s partly my fault as I’m very sure of myself so have naturally made decisions over the years.

But now it’s got to the point where she defers to me for everything – what to have for dinner, what to do on the weekend, where to go on holiday. I honestly think she gets through life without making any decisions that aren’t work-based. It’s a really bad habit of behaviour that we’ve both got into.

I often don’t mind but sometimes I find it exhausting and I get angry and snap at her to decide for herself. What can I do to make sure the decision-making in our relationship is more even?

A reader asks therapist Isiah McKimmie what to do if your partner won't participate in decision-making. Picture: Getty Images

ANSWER: I appreciate that you recognise this is a pattern that has been co-created between you. It sounds like this has grown over time and you both have some responsibility to take. I can understand this is exhausting for you. It’s hard enough to make decisions for one person, let alone for two.

The root cause of indecision

Before we look at what you can do to change this, it’s important to understand what is at the root of this.

Difficulty making decisions like this is a result of underlying anxiety. This anxiety can be both a lack of confidence in her own abilities and a worry about making a decision that will make you unhappy. Do either (or both) of these ring true for your wife? Another possibility is underlying depression.

Difficulty making decisions is a result of underlying anxiety. Picture: Getty Images

Our caregivers influence our confidence

My guess is that growing up, one or both of your wife’s primary caregivers were controlling, strict or anxious themselves. Parents with these traits make decisions for their children, often in order that they don’t get ‘hurt’ or make poor decisions for themselves.

When people have parents with these traits, they don’t develop the confidence in ourselves to be able to make their own decisions. Deferring to someone else becomes the norm for them. They can actually agonise over making a decision for fear of making the wrong one.

This fear of making the ‘wrong’ decision can be exacerbated later in life by an increase in personal stress, criticism from a partner or conflict in a relationship.

Male partners need to ‘accept influence’

An important question for you to consider is whether you have ever expressed disappointment, dissatisfaction or judgement at her ideas or decisions. If you were my clients in a therapy session, I would also be interested in examining the argument and collaboration style you have together.

Dr John Gottman who has studied what makes successful or unsuccessful relationships for over 40 years discovered that a man’s ability to accept influence from his partner is crucial in determining the success of that relationship.

Accepting influence is an ability to take on and validate your partner’s perspectives, needs and ideas

Research has shown that women already do this to quite a high degree, but men tend to unknowingly struggle with this. When they do struggle, their relationship has an 81 per cent chance of failing.

I don’t want to make assumptions – you may already be doing this, but it may be useful to be aware of.

How to help your partner make more decisions

Have a conversation:

Gently mentioning the pattern you’ve noticed to your wife may help her become more aware of it too. Do this without being critical or blaming (criticism will likely make her more anxious). It may also help to ask her what she thinks is behind this.

Reassure her:

When asking your wife to make a decision for herself, be reassuring. Don’t just focus on her ability to make decisions, be reassuring that she’s a capable and intelligent person. Let her know that you value her opinion and that you want more of them.

Be happy with her decisions:

When your wife does make decisions, be mindful to agree and support those decisions. If she chooses something that you don’t like, it may pay to keep that to yourself for a while, as she builds her confidence.

Be happy with your partner's decisions. Picture: Getty Images

Ensure the stability and happiness of your relationship:

Stable, happy relationships support us to reduce anxiety and feel more secure in ourselves. Make sure that your relationship is strong and that your wife isn’t worried about upsetting you.

Your wife becoming less anxious and more confident in herself will help her feel better able to make decisions.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sexologist, sex therapist and lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy.