Woman’s sex request before wedding

A woman wants to marry her boyfriend but an issue is standing in the way of them making their way down the aisle.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie hears from a reader who wants advice on how to ask her boyfriend to have an open relationship for six months before she agrees to marry him.

QUESTION: I’m with the man I know I want to spend the rest of my life with. He’s kind, funny, and loves me to death. The only problem is that we met when he was 21 and I was just 17. We’ve been together six years and he wants to get married but I have reservations. My main issue is that he’s my only serious relationship and one of only two men I’ve ever had sex with. I would like to have six months where we both see and sleep with other people before we get married. Do you think that’s a fair thing to ask of him? And how should I approach the conversation?

ANSWER: It sounds like you’re essentially asking to open up your relationship for a period of time, before settling down and getting married. There’s a lot to consider here and isn’t going to be an easy discussion to have.

I do understand your dilemma and your curiosity to experience being with other people. I’ve seen a number of clients who had similar reservations to you, but went through with their marriage anyhow. Years into their marriage they continued to wonder what it would be like to be with someone else. Some even felt like their relationship would have been improved by being able to explore and have different experiences first.

While there’s no research that I’m aware of that shows dating other people first improves a marriage, deciding to open a relationship is a valid choice.

Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith are in an open marriage. Picture: Mike Coppola/Getty Images

What to consider before opening up your relationship

Couples choose to open their relationship for a variety of reasons and, for many couples, it’s the right decision. However, open relationships aren’t the right choice for everyone and ‘opening’ a relationship that has previously been monogamous is risky.

It’s impossible to guarantee there won’t be negative consequences of opening up your relationship. Feelings of hurt, jealousy and betrayal can (and do) arise, but there are steps you can take before you open your relationships to reduce the chance of negative consequences.

Be clear on your reasons

Get really clear on why this is important to you and what you’re hoping the outcome will be. This will help with your own peace of mind and will also help you communicate to your partner.

News.com.au’s resident sexologist and couples therapist, Isiah McKimmie. Picture: Isiah McKimmie

Communicate – a lot

The biggest mistake I see couples make when choosing to ‘open their relationship’ is not communicating enough about their needs and expectations.

There are many things to consider in opening a relationship. To give your relationship the best chance of surviving this, you’ll also need to keep the conversation open throughout your ‘open period’. Be prepared for this to be many conversations, not just one.

You need to understand each other’s needs and make clear agreements about what your ‘rules’ will be.

For example:

Will you tell each other about who you see? Can you each date or be intimate with anyone? Are certain people off-limits? What if you don’t like who the other person has chosen? What will you do after 6 months? What methods of safe sex do you expect each other to use?

You’ll also need to be clear on what you want to happen with your current relationship during this time. Will you continue to see each other while you’re seeing other people?

Discuss how and if you will support each other

Seeing other people is, in many ways, the easy part. It’s dealing with the feelings that arise afterwards that couples struggle with. What will you do if either of you doesn’t feel okay afterwards?

The key to an open relationship is communicating your needs and expectations. Picture: Getty Images

This is a big decision

If this is starting to feel like a lot, it is. It’s not a decision to make, or an issue to raise, lightly. Be aware that even you voicing your desire for this could impact your relationship. Take some time to make sure this is really what you want before discussing it.

Has your partner given any kind of indication about whether he would be willing to try something like this? Raise the issue lightly first to see how he responds. Your next step, if you choose to go ahead is to sit down and share what you want and why it’s important to you. You’ll have a lot to discuss from there.

As a therapist, my role isn’t to tell people what I think they should do, but to share tools and offer support so they can find the right answers themselves. If I were your therapist, I would however be advising you to move very cautiously with this decision.

It sounds like you have something incredible with this man. The grass isn’t always greener somewhere else.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sexologist, sex therapist and lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy.