Relationship Rehab: Should I dump my cheating wife?

At first, it seemed like it was just one slip-up — but when this husband dug a little deeper, he found a twisted web of deceit and affairs.

Your question is should I try and save my marriage? But my question is: What is keeping you together at this point? Picture: iStock.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles a wife who keeps straying, an overly flirtatious colleague and a mum-of-three looking to spice up her love life on a budget.

HOW CAN I STOP MY WIFE CHEATING AGAIN?

QUESTION: Two years ago, my long-time partner and wife told me she wanted to separate — but still hung around a lot and acted like we were still together — while also dating other men and having a few flings here and there (both emotional and physical). Now I’ve found out that she was cheating on me from the beginning of our relationship, continuing a romance with her ex lasting six years of the time we were together. When I asked her about this, and why she did it, she said, “I’m not your wife, you don’t own me” — but she still very much acts like my wife.

What should I do? Is it worth trying to salvage this relationship?

ANSWER: This sounds like an incredibly unhealthy relationship, if I’m honest.

There seems to be a lack of commitment and trust, infidelity, poor communication and no sense of team work. I’m wondering what else is going on also. This isn’t an isolated instance of infidelity, this is a continual and ongoing breaching of trust between you.

What is keeping you together at this point?

Your question is should I try and save my marriage? But my question is: What is keeping you together at this point? Picture: iStock.

You’ve told me a number of things that she’s done that you (understandably) seem unhappy with, but it sounds like you’ve been allowing this behaviour by not setting your own boundaries.

You say “she still hung around” and “she still acts like my wife”. She doesn’t just do that on her own, you must be complicit in it. I’m wondering why you tolerate these behaviours from your wife.

What do you want from a relationship? What do you see as important (and appropriate) in a relationship?

Comprehensive relationship research conducted over the last 40 years has found that there are a number of key factors required for a successful, thriving relationship.

These are that you commit to each other and build trust in the relationship, nurture a solid friendship and admiration between you, learn to communicate well and overcome conflict together, turn towards each other and pay attention to each other as well as build positive interactions between you.

If you decide to try and salvage your marriage, you’ll both need to decide to work on it together. Picture: iStock.

Whether you can salvage the relationship will depend on a number of factors.

You’ll both need to decide to work on your relationship together as a start. You’ll need to discuss together what you want your relationship to look like and what are the appropriate behaviours and dynamics you’ll each accept.

You’ll also need to overcome the longstanding issues between you in regard to communication and making clear agreements together.

Your wife will need to commit to the relationship and look at why she has been unable to until now (unless you have an agreement that you’re happy for her to see other people). You’ll need to learn to set boundaries about what you’re willing to accept in a relationship.

In order to make this work, you have some significant issues to overcome. However, I have seen many relationships return from the brink of separation with the right advice and professional support.

Sexologist and couples therapist Isiah McKimmie. Picture: Supplied.

HOW CAN I GET MY NEW COLLEAGUE TO COOL IT?

QUESTION: I am a naturally bubbly person, but my new colleague seems to think I’m sexually interested in him. How can I let him know I’m definitely not keen and his flirty overtones and hanging around outside to wait for me need to stop?

ANSWER: You can be naturally bubbly, kind and friendly, but it’s still necessary for us all to set boundaries for ourselves at times.

Although I wish it wasn’t the case, I’m well aware that in regard to your colleague, you potentially need to do this kindly to avoid any backlash or future tension between you.

Clearly voice what you want. Perhaps say something like, “I think you’re really great, I just want to be clear that for me, this is just a friendship and I feel like I need to let you know that I don’t want it to go any further.”

You may also need to brush him off and not engage with his conversation or banter the way you have been.

The sooner you do this, the better.

RELATED: I feel threatened by my husband’s ex

RELATED: Is my husband cheating on me … again?

RELATED: My new husband doesn’t want sex

HOW CAN I SPICE UP MY SEX LIFE ON A BUDGET?

QUESTION: What are some cheap and easy ways to spice up my sex life? I’m a married mother of three young children with not a lot of time or money to spare, but am desperate to reconnect sexually with my husband.

ANSWER: Spicing up your sex life doesn’t require a big investment of time or money. The fact that you see it as important to you is already a great start.

The best way is to understand more about what you and your husband both want and enjoy. Learning to have conversations about intimacy and express your desires will keep things exciting and fun for a long time to come.

You can also try:

• Sending sexy text messages to your partner throughout the day.

• Spending more time in foreplay.

• Buying some coconut oil and swap a sensual massage with each other.

You might find my free guide on how to get out of a sex rut and rediscover more playful, loving, satisfying intimacy helpful. You can download it here.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sex therapist and sexologist. For more expert advice follow her on Instagram

If you have a question for Isiah, email [e-mail]