‘My husband says spending at the RSL is his only joy but we can’t afford groceries’

A husband says it’s his “only joy” after working hard all week but his stay-at-home wife says it can’t continue.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie hears about a woman who’s sick of her husband’s RSL visits.

QUESTION: Money is becoming a massive issue in my household as the cost of living rises. I have three small children so don’t have a paid job (although looking after them is more than full-time) so we rely on my husband’s wages to pay for everything.

Previously, it was tight but doable, but now I’m finding it harder to make it stretch to last the month. I’m scared that next month we won’t be able to pay the bills or buy groceries. Meanwhile, my husband spends upwards of $150 a week boozing down the RSL or on casual gambling. He says that it’s his only joy after working hard all week – but we simply can’t afford for him to have this luxury. How do we work this out?

ANSWER: Money is consistently reported as one of the top issues that couples argue about. The recent increased cost of living and post-pandemic economic recovery is adding financial strain to many couples.

It’s challenging, but there are steps you can take to lower the impact on your relationship and increase your financial stability.

While your husband’s choices, on the surface, seem irresponsible and selfish, I suspect there’s more to it. Picture: iStock

In strong, successful relationships couples support each other under stress, manage conflict together and support each other’s life dreams. These things aren’t happening in your relationship right now. I’m curious to know why.

As with any issue that a couple is fighting about, what is important is how to talk about this together and work on it as a team.

While I recognise this can be difficult when it’s a topic around which there is a high level of emotion, here are some suggestions:

Make time to talk

Finding time to talk with so much to juggle can be challenging. Try to make time to talk when you’re both somewhat relaxed and hopefully won’t be interrupted.

Underlying tensions or resentments sometimes contribute to someone’s choices. Picture: iStock

Use a ‘gentle start-up’ when raising the issue

How we raise an issue is a strong predictor of how the rest of the conversation will go. If we raise an issue with anger or in a harsh way, the rest of the conversation tends to be tense, argumentative and unproductive.

Avoid blaming or criticising your husband

Instead speak using ‘I’ language and share your emotions and needs.

This might sound like:

I feel worried about money and how I’m going to keep food on the table. I need us to address this together.

I’m scared that next month we won’t be able to pay the bills or buy groceries. Picture: iStock

Be curious about your partner’s perspective

While your husband’s choices, on the surface, seem irresponsible and selfish, I suspect there’s more to it. I’m all too aware that there are always two sides to any challenge a couple is experiencing. It would help to understand your husband’s perspective on this too.

The spending choices your husband is making are his alone – and please don’t think for a minute that I believe you are responsible, but underlying tension or resentments sometimes contribute to someone’s choices.

While your husband’s choices, on the surface, seem irresponsible and selfish, I suspect there’s more to it. Picture: iStock

It sounds like your husband is using alcohol and gambling as unhelpful coping strategies for stress. That doesn’t make what he’s doing acceptable, but better understanding the underlying issues can support you to resolve this together.

Increased stress and tension at home and within a relationship can cause one partner to withdraw and use unhealthy coping strategies even further.

I’m also curious about your husband’sunderlying viewson needs and priorities in the relationship – not to justify his behaviour, but to understand it.

For example: How does he feel about current spending priorities? Did you both make the decision to have children equally? How is he feeling about you not working? Does he feel he’s just going to be ignored when he comes home?

Your husband may also simply struggle to deal with stress, anxiety and emotions. In which case, finding healthier coping strategies will help.

How does your husband feel about current spending priorities? Picture: iStock

Take a break if the discussion becomes too heated

During difficult discussions we can often become emotionally overwhelmed (sometimes without even realising it). In these fight-or-flight states we revert to unhelpful strategies of becoming upset and saying things that upset the other person or withdrawing and not speaking at all.

You can’t communicate effectively in these states (even if you think you are) and the best thing to do is take a break until you both calm down.

Consider reaching out for professional support to help you manage this together. Picture: iStock

Get support to have this conversation

If you’re unable to talk about this, it’s going to damage your relationship and your family’s financial stability. If your husband is willing, consider reaching out for professional support to help you manage this together. A couples therapist can help you communicate more effectively and work as a team, and a financial counsellor can help give you advice on how to manage finances.

Isiah McKimmie is a Couples Therapist, Sexologist, Sex Therapist and Lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy.

If you have a question for Isiah, email [e-mail]