‘My husband has put on weight and smells bad’

It’s a problem that many men have but their partners don’t know how to tell them it’s gross – and for one woman she’s reached her limit.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie hears about a person who is upset their boyfriend has turned into a slob.

QUESTION: I’ve been with my husband for seven years and I truly love him but I feel like he’s let himself go. He’s put on weight, doesn’t wash his clothes as much as I’d like, and can sometimes smell. I’ve dropped the odd hint and he doesn’t seem to have taken them up! How do I kindly explain that he needs to make an effort and smell vaguely nice in order for me to be attracted to him?

ANSWER: It makes sense that your husband’s hygiene standards – or lack of them – are a turn-off for you. In my experience with couples, men don’t always get subtle hints. It might feel uncomfortable, but you’re going to need to be a little more direct in confronting him about it.

Getting somewhat comfortable in a relationship is normal

Getting comfortable in a relationship can be a sign that you trust each other and can be yourselves. One study even showed that weight gain was a sign of a happy relationship as happy partners no longer feel the need to attract another mate.

But it’s one thing to get comfortable and spend more time in track pants and another thing entirely to let basic hygiene slip.

As a therapist, I’m always trying to understand what’s going on underneath behaviours and actions. Understanding underlying thoughts and emotions helps us create more meaningful change.

I’m interested why your husband’s personal standards have dropped. Is he feeling comfortable or is there something else going on?

But a lack of personal hygiene can reflect mental health struggles

Slipping in personal hygiene can be a reflection of someone’s mental state. Struggles with depression and anxiety can impact a person’s ability to care for themselves in even basic ways.

There could be something more going on with him than you realise. Picture: iStock

Depression impacts motivation and causes fatigue, so it’s common for people to let go of important things like exercise and self care. Anxiety and high stress can also lead to weight gain and letting go of hygiene tasks.

When did you first notice these changes in your husband? Was there anything going in his/your lives at the time?

How to talk to your partner about it

This is not an easy topic to talk about – and I don’t envy you. You certainly risk your husband becoming defensive or feeling embarrassed. But sometimes the best thing we can do for those we love is be honest with them – in the most gentle and sensitive way possible.

Start with sharing a positive intention

Start by telling your husband how much you care about him and that you want him to be happy. This can help someone feel like you’re not criticising them and that you’re coming from a good place.

State what you’ve observed

Without blame or judgment, tell your partner that you’ve noticed some changes in him that you’re concerned about. Be specific in what you’ve noticed in him, but be gentle about it.

Share your emotions

When we share our own emotions without blame or judgment it increases the chances of them taking on board what we’re saying. Let your husband know that you’re worried about him and that you feel sad that it’s having an impact on your connection.

Ask him what’s happening

Straight up ask him:

Do you know if there’s something going on for you that might be contributing to this? How have you been feeling in yourself lately?

He might not be able to answer right away, but you’ve opened up the conversation.

If he is struggling with something, addressing that is the first step. A great follow up question is:

How can I support you in this?

Be direct

If there doesn’t seem to be underlying mental health challenges and he’s just letting himself slip because he’s comfortable and unaware, you’ll need to be a little more direct.

Still try to frame this in a positive way.

I love you and I want to be attracted to you. I’m going to need you to change your clothes and shower a little more often for me.

You can even follow it up with a playful invitation to come and shower with you.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sexologist, sex therapist and lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy.