‘I cheated with a sex worker. Should I tell my wife?’

An Aussie husband has revealed how a bucks party went very wrong and now he’s been left with serious consequences.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie helps a man to decide whether to admit his infidelity.

QUESTION: I went to a bucks night a month or so ago and cheated on my wife with a sex worker. I was very drunk and it was a mistake. I tried to put it behind me but I feel incredibly guilty and my wife keeps asking me what’s wrong. Should I just come clean? I’m worried it will mean our marriage is over.

ANSWER: Whatever you decide to do now, your marriage will go through a challenging time. I can’t tell you what to do, but I can give you some things to think about as you make your decision.

The longer you wait, the harder it will be for her

Your wife knows something is going on.

Partners who’ve been cheated on share the same feeling: the cheating was one betrayal, but what is harder is the secondary betrayal of being lied to – over and over again.

Every time she asks what’s going on and you lie to her, that’s another betrayal. The longer you continue to lie, the harder it is when a partner discovers the truth.

The longer you continue to lie, the harder it is when a partner discovers the truth. Picture: iStock

Some people never discover their partner’s infidelity

Some people obviously manage to hide infidelity forever. I don’t know you or your relationship, so I don’t know how possible it is for you to do that.

You will have to live with the guilt and shame of what you’ve done.

Right now she’s left feeling insecure and anxious about your changed behaviour. That’s an awful position for her to be in. It’s going to be really hard for her to just let go of that without some kind of explanation.

It’s going to be really hard for her to just let go of that without some kind of explanation. Picture: iStock

I’m concerned that without telling her the truth around this, what she feels ‘off’ about will continue to be an issue between you, either directly or indirectly.

Consider what your wife would want

While I know I would prefer to be in a relationship where the truth is openly discussed, that isn’t what everyone wants.

I don’t know your wife or the kind of relationship you have.

Some people are okay not knowing whether their partner has cheated and they have a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ agreement. Some people say they wish their partner had never told them and had just dealt with the guilt on their own.

Knowing your wife, knowing what is important to her, knowing that she already suspects something, what do you think she would want?

Some people say they wish their partner had never told them and had just dealt with the guilt on their own. Picture: iStock

Relationships can survive infidelity

If your wife does find out, there is still hope for your relationship.

While most people say that if their partner cheated, their relationship would be over, the reality is that no one really knows what they would do until they’re in that situation.

Many couples do attempt to work though infidelity. And many do it successfully.

Working through infidelity is some of the hardest work a couple will ever do together.

I’ve been honoured to support dozens of couples in therapy following some form of infidelity. Yes, some of those relationships ended. But many stayed together. Many couples even described their relationship as stronger than it was before the infidelity occurred.

Many couples do attempt to work though infidelity. Picture: iStock

Examine why you did it

Regardless of whether you decide to tell your wife, you need to look at what was going on for you that had you do that, even while drunk.

Sometimes, things that we don’t even know are bothering us are building up under the surface in a relationship. While you know you love your wife and still want to be with her, I’m wondering if there is actually distance or dissatisfaction in your relationship that needs to be addressed.

Sometimes, we act out of unexamined underlying personal issues. I’m also wondering if something might be going on for you personally that you really need to talk through with a therapist.

Whether or not you decide to disclose this, expect your relationship to go through a challenging time. Your biggest priority now should be helping your wife feel safe and secure again – instead of suspicious and doubting her own thoughts and observations.

Isiah McKimmie is a Couples Therapist, Sexologist, Sex Therapist and Lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy.