‘My husband confessed he wants a threesome while drunk’

An Aussie husband is in the doghouse after leaving his wife “angry” when his drunken behaviour got out of hand.

Threesome fantasy: Sexologist on why fantasies about other people are normal. Picture: iStock

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tells an angry woman her husband’s fantasies are normal.

QUESTION: My husband and I were a bit drunk a couple of weeks ago and the conversation came round to sex. We’ve been together for over five years and have always had great sex – or so I thought. During our drunk chat, my husband said that he’d love to bring another woman into the bedroom and have a threesome. He even suggested asking one of our good girlfriends. I was shocked and in the cold, sober light of day felt a bit angry. He hasn’t mentioned it again and I can’t imagine his suggesting it sober but do I have a right to tackle him about it?

ANSWER: I can understand you feeling shocked and hurt. Sex is a vulnerable area of our lives. Finding out that our partner has interests in things or people that we were unaware of can trigger big emotions and tension in a relationship.

Sex is a vulnerable area of our lives. Picture: iStock

Sexual fantasies about other people are normal

Having fantasies, including sexual fantasies are a normal part of the human experience.

While the idea of a partner fantasising about other people can be uncomfortable, it’s not uncommon or abnormal. These fantasies are called extra dyadic fantasies and they happen for the majority of people.

Your partner having fantasies about other people doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with your relationship or your sex life. It’s entirely likely that your husband still thinks you have a great sex life together.

I like to think of our sexual fantasies falling into three categories:

• Fantasies that we want to keep to ourselves

• Fantasies we want to talk about but not act on

• Fantasies we decide to act on

Each type of sexual fantasy, when done safely and consensually, has the ability to enhance our sex lives.

These fantasies are called extra dyadic fantasies and they happen for the majority of people. Picture: iStock

Discuss your concerns with your husband

Issues like this rarely go away on their own. I’m concerned that if you don’t discuss this, resentment will build up and this will come out in unhelpful ways in your relationship. That being said, I don’t think ‘tackling him’ is the right approach.

Your husband hasn’t done anything wrong. If you are going to talk to him about it, I suggest you do some reflection first and aim to speak to him in a way that isn’t critical or attacking.

Here’s some things to keep in mind:

• Speak using ‘I’ statements, sharing your own emotions and concerns

• Aim to understand his thoughts and feelings too

• Really listen to each other before you decide on an action to take

• Do some self-reflection before you bring this up. Right now, you’re feeling some anger, but I think there’s more going on here.

My guess is that you feel insecure and scared that your husband has feelings for your friend or would act on his fantasies without your permission. Picture: iStock

Our emotions often sit in ‘layers’. I suspect there are other emotions underneath the anger that you’re feeling. My guess is that you feel insecure and scared that your husband has feelings for your friend or would act on his fantasies without your permission. Those more vulnerable emotions are helpful to share with him.

Decide what steps to take together

Sexual fantasies can add an exciting new dimension to a relationship and our sexual pleasure. Sharing fantasies can deepen intimacy and connection between you and bring more passion and variety to sex.

They can also cause challenges if they’re not managed well. The key is having safety in your relationship and being empathetic to each other’s emotions.

Some questions that I would have for both of you if I were seeing you as a therapist are:

• Is this a fantasy you would potentially want to act out or something that’s just fun to talk about?

• What are the elements of this fantasy that are so appealing to you?

• Could you incorporate those themes/aspects in a way that feels good for both of you? (This might include role play, voyeurism, watching pornography, dirty talk.)

• If you were to act on this fantasy, what would you need to feel safe in doing so? (For example, setting clear boundaries around who a threesome is with.)

This can be an opportunity to strengthen your connection together if you handle it well.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sexologist, sex therapist and lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy. If you have a question for Isiah, email [e-mail]