‘Should I tell my friend her husband secretly flirted with me?’

A married man was caught out by his wife’s friend doing something that could be seen as innocent but really isn’t.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie discusses the not-so-grey area of flirting.

QUESTION: I was at a business event recently when I locked eyes with a pretty handsome man across the room and we ended up chatting. Honestly, it felt like a lot of first date questions. He spoke in singular pronoun a lot. ‘I’ve done this … I’m going on a holiday next month’ etc. He was definitely flirting with me, although I thought it was odd that he hadn’t asked for my number. Eventually he mentioned his wife had been from Italy. He definitely used past tense. And suddenly everything clicked into place. I realised his wife is a friend of mine! I’ve been to his house while he was away. I asked him if his wife’s name was what I thought it was and he looked incredibly caught out and asked how I knew her. I had been flirting with my friend’s husband for an hour without knowing it — and I’m not sure if he would have told me if I hadn’t figured it out. I spoke to her recently and they’re still very much together in her eyes. I’m wondering whether or not I should approach my friend about this? From what she’s said, I don’t think they’re in the happiest marriage. I don’t want to stir up trouble, but part of me thinks my friend should know.

Should I tell my friend her husband was flirting with me? Picture: iStock

ANSWER: Wow. What a challenging situation to be in. I certainly see your dilemma.

On one hand you risk upsetting a marriage (as unhappy as it might be). There’s also a risk of damaging your relationship with your friend. I can also imagine sharing that you were flirting with a friend’s husband – even unintentionally – could be pretty uncomfortable for you.

Honesty may risk your friendship

While your intentions in telling your friend are good, she (and her husband) might not see it that way. If she confronts her husband about it and he denies it, she may side with her husband or feel like she has to cut ties with you.

It’s a d*ck move on his behalf

I’m sure he would argue that technically he didn’t do anything wrong. He didn’t ask for your number and he didn’t take things further. But there were plenty of opportunities for him to mention that he was married. It’s disrespectful to put you in that situation.

For him to have the gall to do this at a business event also makes me think this isn’t the first time that he’s spoken to someone like this.

It’s disrespectful to put you in that situation. Picture: iStock

Relationships can be complex

I think at one point I would have seen this fairly straight down the line. But over the past 15 years, I’ve heard so many different perspectives on relationships that I know that there is so often more going on under the surface than what we see.

Someone’s actions usually make sense when we understand more. It doesn’t mean that we always agree with them.

They clearly are in an unhappy marriage if he’s out doing this. But there might be more to the story.

We don’t know the full story of what is going on in their marriage. We don’t know how many times either of them has tried to talk about what’s going on between them only to have the other ignore the conversation. We don’t know if either of them – or even both of them – have made a decision to stay together for the kids, financial reasons or out of obligation. We don’t know if they have spoken or unspoken ‘agreements’ between them.

Your friend might not want to hear what happened as much as her husband doesn’t want her to know.

Your friend might not want to hear what happened as much as her husband doesn’t want her to know. Picture: iStock

Your sense of obligation to your friend makes sense

All of that being said, I do think you have an obligation to your friend to take some kind of action on this.

Here’s what I would do: I would say something, but I would approach it gently.

Let your friend know that you saw her husband. Notice how she responds. Her body language and facial features can tell you a lot.

If you already have an idea that things aren’t great between them, you could ask how things have been between them lately? You can always fall back to earlier conversations if she seems triggered or defensive about why you’re asking.

You could also suggest that ‘he seemed to be having a great time’ or ‘he was pretty chatty’ and see if that stirs any kind of reaction from your friend.

You’re likely to get a sense of whether she tries to shut the conversation down, seems interested to know more or is completely oblivious.

You could also pose a hypothetical to your friend. Hey, if I’d seen anything on that evening would you want me to tell you about it?’

While I’m normally all for honesty, it’s tricky in situations like this. And sometimes, others don’t always want to know the truth.

If you’re not comfortable letting her know that it was you he was flirting with, you could always say that you saw him looking friendly with someone else. That potentially makes it a little easier for your friend to hear – at least at first.

Isiah McKimmie is a Couples Therapist, Sexologist, Sex Therapist and Lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy.