‘I don’t work but my husband won’t give me money’

A woman has detailed the common money issue that is plaguing her relationship – and why it makes her marriage so unhappy.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie helps a woman who is having issues with her husband over money.

QUESTION: I’ve been with my husband for 12 years and I don’t think either of us is happy. We have very gender-specific roles – he as the breadwinner and me as the homemaker and taking care of our children. The problem is, he doesn’t seem to respect me because I don’t bring in any money and I don’t respect him as he does nothing around the house. When he’s at home he shouts at our kids and if I ask him to wash up after dinner he gets angry with me. He’s also tight with money and makes it difficult for me to do basic things like buy food and clothes for our kids. Culturally, divorce isn’t an option for us so I need to make this work. What can I do?

ANSWER: You’re in a tough situation and I want to tread carefully here. It sounds like your predicament is quite complex and there are many factors that need to be considered.

It’s never up to me as a therapist to make decisions for anyone else or tell them how a relationship should be, but I can give you support and tools to find the right path forward for you.

‘He doesn’t seem to respect me because I don’t bring in any money and I don’t respect him as he does nothing around the house.’ Picture: Pexels

Different cultures have different relationship expectations

There are many reasons that people choose to stay in relationships they know aren’t entirely happy or healthy.

We all have our own ideas of what’s appropriate in a relationship, many of which are due to our cultural backgrounds. In the culture I grew up in, your husband’s behaviour wouldn’t be at all acceptable, but I understand it may be normal for you.

I want to validate for you that divorce is incredibly difficult in your culture – and that choosing to do that might mean that you are ostracised from your entire family including your children who you clearly care about.

Mutual respect is vital for a happy relationship

When respect is missing from a relationship, it’s challenging for that relationship to be happy and harmonious. I can understand why you wouldn’t respect for husband based on the way he’s treating you. Unfortunately, it sounds like he doesn’t value the important work you do caretaking the house and children.

‘When he’s at home he shouts at our kids and if I ask him to wash up after dinner he gets angry with me.’ Picture: Pexels

Your husband’s behaviour could be considered abuse

I do need to let you know that some of your partner’s behaviours are indicative of financial abuse, a form of family violence. This often comes with other forms of violence such as verbal, emotional and even physical abuse.

Culturally appropriate therapy may be able to help

Depending on the extent of your husband’s behaviour and his willingness to change, culturally competent couples therapy might be able to help you.

Is there anyone in your community that you know has been to therapy?

It might help to do some research and find out if there are any therapists near you who know your cultural background well and who your partner might feel comfortable with.

You can present it to him in a way that makes it seem beneficial to him – and a way to make you both happier.

Depending on the extent of your husband’s behaviour and his willingness to change, culturally competent couples therapy might be able to help you. Picture: Pexels

If you choose to stay, do what you can to make it bearable

Do you know what makes your husband easier to deal with? Are there certain things you say to him or do that make him more pleasant?

I could of course, share that giving him more appreciation and recognising what it does do might help. But it’s hard for me to say that knowing that it might mean that things don’t get better for you.

You could also ask to sit down and go through a budget with him, if he’s open to discussion.

You might benefit from professional support

It sounds like you’re in a really painful situation. You might benefit from getting your own support as you navigate this. Consider seeing your doctor to discuss a mental health care plan to see a therapist yourself.

It may also be helpful for you to call 1800 RESPECT, the national Domestic Violence hotline. They have people available 24/7 to confidentially speak to you about your partner’s controlling behaviours. Even if you don’t want to leave, just having someone to talk to can make things feel easier.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sexologist, sex therapist and lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy. If you have a question for Isiah, email [e-mail]