‘My ex won’t pay more money for his kids. What should I do?’

An Aussie woman is in turmoil as her kids are doing without because their dad keeps threatening to do one thing.

‘Douchebag’ ex’s ‘red flag’ move. Picture: iStock

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie helps a mum who can’t get financial support from her ex.

QUESTION: My ex pays child support for our two kids and then has them stay with him every other week on a Saturday night. I spend most of my time with them and feed and clothe them. Recently, with the cost of living going up I’ve been struggling to make ends meet and I asked my ex to provide a bit more. His new wife got involved saying I’m always hassling them for money which just isn’t true. What is the best way to navigate this without us all falling out? I want my kids to have a relationship with him but he often threatens not to see them if I ask anything of him.

ANSWER: Your ex sounds like a douchebag who doesn’t really care about the wellbeing of his kids. If he did, he would never threaten his relationship with them as a way of getting things his way. That’s a major Red Flag right there.

Your ex is using control and manipulation

I appreciate you wanting to maintain as good a relationship as possible with him and his wife – and for your kids to be able to maintain a relationship with their dad too. I’m sure it’s been difficult to try to negotiate with someone who is willing to resort to threats and control.

Because I do need to point out that your ex’s behaviour is controlling and manipulative. Threats and coercion – especially involving children – are not part of a healthy relationship.

Healthy communication doesn’t work with someone who is controlling

Usually in cases of co-parenting, I encourage parents to maintain a good relationship and healthy communication. There are ways within healthy relationships that we can have difficult conversations that decrease the likelihood of conflict and increase the likelihood that you both respectfully hear each other.

Threats and coercion – especially involving children – are not part of a healthy relationship. Picture: iStock

Unfortunately, not everyone is open to reasonable, fair outcomes. I’m not sure that your ex is.

Our regular tools for communication in healthy relationships don’t work with someone who is manipulative and controlling. They can just place you in a more vulnerable position.

You have probably worked out how to communicate in ways that avoid upsetting or getting a reaction from your ex. I’m sure you do this really well. But relationships like this are imbalanced – with the other person getting their needs met and yours being largely ignored.

I want you to proceed carefully here.

You need to get legal advice

You need to get legal advice. Contact a family lawyer or begin with the free legal advice available in your state.

Contact a family lawyer or begin with the free legal advice available in your state. Picture: iStock

Whether or not you choose to pursue a court order, it’s really important for you to understand your legal rights and what you and your children are entitled to receive.

Based on the coercion your ex is showing now, I’ll bet that he used that within your relationship too. He may have you believing that you’re being unreasonable or asking for too much. Knowing what you might legally be entitled to might change your strategy and the ways you interact with your ex.

Under law you are going to be entitled to certain amounts based on a whole range of factors including his income, earning capacity, assets or property held, your income, the percentage of care each of you provides, the cost of fixed expenses, etc.

While I know that many co-parents navigate this without legal orders, it requires healthy communication and each parent willing to be fair and equitable – with the mutual best interests of the children in mind.

Each parent must be fair and equitable – with the mutual best interests of the children in mind. Picture: iStock

Your children’s wellbeing is vital

This isn’t just about you.

This is about making sure that your kids get everything they need. They don’t deserve to go without because their dad is unwilling to contribute.

Ideally, I would love to see your kids have a great relationship with their dad and you have a respectful relationship with your ex and his new wife. But this isn’t all up to you. Your ex has a big role to play here as well. In some cases, it sadly isn’t possible.

Consider professional support

I know this might be hard to hear, but it does sound like you’ve been in an unhealthy relationship dynamic with your ex. It might help to speak to a psychologist, counsellor or social worker. They can help you understand more about this relationship, help improve your confidence and provide you with more practical tools for communication with your ex.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sexologist, sex therapist and lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy. If you have a question for Isiah, email [e-mail]