‘My wife thinks I’m cheating. I find her exhausting’

An Aussie husband has revealed the one things that “exhausts” him about his wife and why she thinks he’s cheating.

‘My wife thinks I’m cheating. I find her exhausting’. Picture: iStock

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie helps a man whose wife is “controlling” and jealous.

QUESTION: I have been with my wife for four years but her jealousy is taking over our relationship. She’s always been a bit controlling about who I speak to at work and whether I still text my ex but recently it’s out of control. She goes through my phone all the time looking for evidence that I’ve been up to no good and has also started looking through my work phone. The other day I had a shower at the gym and she started crying when I got home because she thought I’d had sex with someone else. How do I get it through to her that I’m not cheating? I find her exhausting.

ANSWER: I can see why this is exhausting and frustrating for you. I imagine the constant worry and stress is also exhausting for your wife.

Based on what you’ve shared, I’m going to assume that you are not cheating and have never cheated. If you have cheated (whether you ever admitted it or not), ignore the rest of my advice and go straight to Couples Counselling. If we have been cheated on, it takes years and much hard work by both partners to restore trust and rebuild the relationship.

While I’m sure your wife brings her own insecurities to the relationship (we all do in different ways), your interactions are potentially exacerbating her anxiety.

Your interactions are potentially exacerbating her anxiety. Picture: iStock

Constant worry about cheating can be an indicator of an Anxious Attachment Style

Your wife probably brings at least some of her insecurity from childhood and past relationships.

It sounds like your wife may have what we call an ‘Anxious Attachment Style’. This is a coping strategy developed in childhood that can leave someone constantly worrying about their relationships, feeling insecure about themselves and often over-giving to try to compensate.

In a relationship, people with an Anxious Attachment Style have a higher need for connection and reassurance than others. It’s totally understandable when we know more about their history.

However, my educated guess is that there’s something going on in the relationship and your behaviour that does not help her feel more secure.

You’re likely caught in a negative cycle together

I’m also guessing that you get stuck in a cycle together. In this cycle your wife’s anxiety and jealousy exhausts you and has you pull away – which probably makes her feel less secure and results in her complaints and surveillance. In turn, causing you more frustration and exhaustion.

I would say that your ‘exhaustion’ is viewed by her as anger or indifference – or you try to argue the points with her to try to logically convince her that you’re not cheating. As understandable as that is, it doesn’t help.

Your wife needs more emotional reassurance and understanding.

Your wife needs more emotional reassurance and understanding. Picture: iStock

How to build trust in your relationship

You’re not going to be able to ‘convince’ your way to your wife feeling less jealous. Instead, work on building trust and emotional security in your relationship. Here are some ways you can do that.

• Build emotional trust through empathy and understanding

While her behaviour might seem unreasonable or irrational to you right now, what she really needs is empathy and understanding. Let her know that you understand that she’s scared and that you’re there for her. Hearing your empathy will help her feel less anxious.

• Be consistent with your words and actions

Trust is made and broken in small moments – not just big actions. Make sure that you keep your word and that you’re consistent in doing what you say you will.

Counselling can offer tools and strategies to strengthen your relationship. Picture: iStock

Build connection in your relationship

If your relationship is like most of the relationships I see in my office, you probably need more time connecting with each other, having fun together and being a couple. This connection can build security.

Don’t take it personally

When your wife is anxious, do your best to approach her feelings with compassion – without internalising them a personal failing on your behalf or as her criticising you. She’s scared.

Set (loving) healthy boundaries

It’s okay for you to keep some things private from your wife – such as your work phone. It’s okay to set boundaries. Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries can help her in the relationship. But it needs to be done with understanding and love.

See a therapist for support for both of you

Counselling can offer tools and strategies to strengthen your relationship and build a foundation of trust so you don’t keep repeating this cycle.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sexologist, sex therapist and lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy. If you have a question for Isiah, email [e-mail]