‘My mum has dementia and my dad wants to leave her’

A husband wants to leave his childhood sweetheart for a reason that shows an “untrustworthy” character.

My mum has dementia and my dad wants to leave her’. Picture: iStock

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie helps a woman whose dad is threatening to leave her mum because she has dementia.

QUESTION: My parents are in their 70s and have been together since they were teenagers. Recently, my mum started showing signs of dementia and my dad says he’s thinking about leaving her. I am gobsmacked that after so long together – and being mostly happy – he is going to leave her to deal with this alone. My dad says he’s fit and healthy with “many more years left in him” and mum is getting “old before her time”. I am heartbroken for my mum and so angry with my dad. How can I speak to my dad without getting angry at him?

ANSWER: Your anger at your dad is appropriate in this case. I’m not sure you could talk to him without feeling incredibly disappointed and angry with him.

There are two issues to address here: how to speak to your dad in an effective way, despite your emotion, and how you advocate for your mother to make sure she gets all the support that she deserves.

He is going to leave her to deal with this alone. Picture: iStock

Tough times

Dementia isn’t easy on anyone. It’s a horrible disease that slowly takes your loved ones away from you, leaving them as a shell of who they were. This takes a toll on everyone around those experiencing the disease.

Your mother’s declining health will impact your father and his ability to enjoy the last years of his life. However, despite what the effects will be on him, it’s difficult to feel empathy for him knowing he’s contemplating leaving your mother alone in her greatest time of need.

That your dad is already considering leaving your mum now, says something about his character. I’m not sure that he can be trusted to do the right thing by your mum when left to his own devices. It will be important that you (and any siblings you have) advocate for your mother as her ability to do so for herself diminishes.

Leaving your mother alone when she most needs support is selfish, unfair and honestly, pretty despicable. Picture: iStock

Tread carefully

While much of my work in relationships is helping people have more harmonious, open conversations together, that’s not always appropriate. Cases of abuse or where there is an extreme lack of safety in a relationship are situations where it isn’t appropriate. Your mother feels at risk to me here, and so I’m mindful of giving advice without more information.

My concerns are that while a conversation with your dad may help him to see the error in his views or help you uncover the deeper emotion present for your dad, it could also lead him to take actions around this deceitfully.

If you judge that having a conversation with him won’t leave your mum more vulnerable than she already is, then I think it’s worthwhile.

I suspect there will be many conversations about this.

On one hand, I want to suggest a gently-gently approach of asking your dad about his feelings around your mum’s declining health and how much he’s really considered his choice. On the other hand, part of me thinks he needs to be told in no uncertain terms that leaving your mother alone when she most needs support is selfish, unfair and honestly, pretty despicable.

Consider looking at resources from Dementia Australia for advice on how to best support your mum. Picture: iStock

Support

I’m aware that what’s missing from this question and my answer is attention to your mum. I don’t want her to be left out of this conversation. This is a tricky area. She has a right to make her own decisions. Her current capacity to do so clearly also needs to be considered.

I suggest you also empower yourself with research on elder abuse and consider looking at resources from Dementia Australia for advice on how to best support your mum. Additionally, look at what legal advice your mum may need in order to have fair access to their joint finances if your father does decide to leave.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sexologist, sex therapist and lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy. If you have a question for Isiah, email [e-mail]