’Financial betrayal’: Aussie husband stunned to discover wife’s secret cash stash

An Aussie husband has called out his wife of 20 years for keeping a secret overseas bank account – with a staggering $70,000 stashed away.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie helps a man who feels financially betrayed by his wife of 20 years.

QUESTION: I recently found out my wife of 20 years – who was originally born overseas – has a bank account in her home country with about $70,000 in savings.

The cash came from her own inheritance after her parents passed, and she insists she wants to use it on holidays we can enjoy together in the future, but I can’t help feeling uneasy about it because it was kept a secret for so long, because she never discussed her plans for the money with me and because as far as I know, I have no access to the money if something terrible were to suddenly happen to her.

Our incomes have always been communal money used for the whole family, and now I feel betrayed. Do I just have to suck it up, or should that cash be shared?

ANSWER: I can see why that feels like a betrayal to you. Couples choose to share money in all kinds of ways. The real issue here isn’t how you decide to spend the money, but the lack of honesty in your relationship.

I’m confused about why your wife would keep this a secret from you – as, I’m sure, are you. I can’t help but wonder what else is going on here.

I’m confused about why your wife would keep this a secret from you. Picture: iStock

Couples find different ways to manage money together

There’s no one right way for couples to manage finances together. There are many options for this and what feels right will depend on multiple factors.

I know not everyone will agree with this, but I can absolutely understand people (especially women) keeping money of their own while in a relationship.

But the fact that you feel surprised and betrayed by this is what concerns me.

It’s useful for every couple to have open, honest money conversations regularly. Picture: iStock

Healthy relationships benefit from open money conversations

Money conversations can be challenging. But it’s useful for every couple to have open, honest money conversations regularly. Even when couples choose to split finances, it’s helpful to make sure you’re both still on the same page and aligned on any joint goals you might have.

There are so many questions I have for you.

Have you had open conversations about money? Have you set financial goals together? Have either of you asked specific questions about assets and savings? How have financial decisions previously been made between you?

While the answers to these questions are important, what matters in the short term is how you resolve feelings of betrayal and move forward.

Recovery from any kind of betrayal can be difficult and take time. Picture: iStock

How to recover from financial betrayal in a relationship

When I hear stories like this, I always discover that they’re not outliers – there are other things going on in a relationship that also need to be addressed. You’ll need to deal with your immediate hurt and then be willing to dive deeply into what led your wife to withhold the truth.

Recovery from any kind of betrayal can be difficult and take time, but it is possible – if you both choose to.

Here’s how:

1. Share your emotions

You need to share your feelings about this with your wife. You can’t ignore your feelings and just focus on what to do with the money. This will always be a sore point in your relationship if you fail to deal with the emotions that go along with this incident.

2. Be willing to hear each other

In strong relationships, couples learn to ‘accept influence’ from each other. That is to understand and allow themselves to take on at least part of their partner’s point of view – even if they don’t agree with it fully.

Feeling heard by your wife can also lessen the feelings of betrayal you have.

Have more transparent conversations moving forward with clear agreements on how you’ll manage finances together. Picture: iStock

3. Acknowledge what went wrong

As a couples therapist, I’m always looking for long term happiness for the couples I work with – not just resolving immediate issues.

I realise that I’m only hearing one side of the story – from you. If I was seeing you as a couple, I would want to meet with you and your wife individually to make sure I was hearing the full story from each of you.

It would be helpful to understand what was going on for your wife (or in the relationship) that led her to keep this a secret. There may be other issues that need to be addressed.

4. Take time to rebuild trust

Rebuilding trust takes time and commitment from both of you. You’ll need to be shown in small and large actions consistently that your wife is being honest with you.

5. Make clear agreements moving forward

Have more transparent conversations moving forward with clear agreements on how you’ll manage finances together.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sexologist, sex therapist and lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy.

If you have a question for Isiah, email [e-mail]