Relationship Rehab: Husband reveals struggle earning less than ‘successful’ wife

An Aussie bloke has admitted to feeling “ashamed” that his highly successful wife earns double his “decent” $90,000 wage.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie delves into outdated and toxic gender roles.

Question: I’m a 35-year-old bloke and I’ve been with my wife for eight years. When we met, we both had average-paid jobs and worked hard to buy our own modest apartment. Then, three years ago, my wife’s career accelerated while mine stagnated. Today, I earn $90,000 (which I see as a decent wage) but she earns twice as much at $180,000. She says that her money is my money and vice versa but I can’t help but feel ashamed. When we go out for dinner she always reaches for her purse, which I find emasculating, and if we want to go on holiday, she has to pay. Now she’s talking about buying a bigger place and I know it’s only possible thanks to her. How do I overcome these feelings of shame?

Answer: Let’s be honest. $90,000 is a decent wage.

You’re an above-average earner and in this economic climate, that’s no easy feat.

But that’s not the issue. The real issue is your feeling of shame.

I appreciate your honesty and self-awareness asking this question and wanting to overcome this feeling of shame.

‘When we go out for dinner she always reaches for her purse, which I find emasculating’. Picture: iStock

Toxic, outdated notions of masculinity impact everyone.

Cultural stereotypes about masculinity have negative impacts on everyone, but I understand the pressure to conform and fear of judgment is real.

You’re not here for a theoretical discussion on gender roles and toxic masculinity. The least I can say is that they’re not helpful for men, women or relationships.

They put pressure on men and impact mental health. They often leave women feeling like they have to choose between a successful career and a fulfilling intimate relationship.

There is evidence that shows heterosexual relationships with a more successful female partner have a higher chance of separation. I don’t want that to happen to you.

You’re not alone in your wife earning more than you.

Let’s look at how you can manage it.

We need to see more women in positions of power and success – and we need men to support them. Picture: iStock

Change your mindset

If you’re not careful, your shame has the potential to impact how you’re relating to your wife, along with your feelings about yourself.

But you have a real opportunity here. You can change the way you see this.

Be proud of her

Make a decision to feel so damn proud that you have a wife who is successful.

Decide to be 100 per cent behind her and her work.

You have an opportunity to contribute to equality right now.

We need to see more women in positions of power and success – and we need men to support them.

Talk about it together

Sit down and talk about this.

Connection with people who love us can help dissolve shame.

Talking this through also allows you to have conversations about how you will manage this together.

Connection with people who love us can help dissolve shame. Picture: iStock

It will help to hear how your wife feels about this – and for her to understand how certain things impact you. You can then take steps to support each other.

For example, if your wife handing over her card when you’re out is an issue for you, make a joint account that you both have a card for or make an agreement that you pay for dates.

Working together to reach goals is important for relationship success, so discuss your short- and long-term financial goals together and how you’ll both contribute.

Consider each paying a percentage towards joint expenses based on your wage.

Your wife married you for who you are

It takes intelligence, determination and skill to get to where your wife is. She sounds amazing. And she chose to marry you.

She married you because of who you are and the connection the two of you have.

She isn’t with you because she wants to survive. She’s choosing to share her life with you. That says a lot about you.

There are so many ways you can support your wife and contribute to your relationship. Picture: iStock

Find other ways you can contribute

There are so many ways you can support your wife and contribute to your relationship. Not least of all is through emotional support and sharing the mental load.

Talk to your wife about what she really needs and values in terms of support.

Giving someone what they actually need is powerful.

Remember that you’re a team

Marriage is a team sport. You’re in this together.

Don’t see this as a competition. Look at how you can strengthen your relationship and enjoy your lives together.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sexologist, sex therapist and lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy. If you have a question for Isiah, email [e-mail]