‘I’ll be heartbroken if I don’t have a baby girl’

A couple trying to conceive their second baby are falling apart amid the mum’s determination to have a daughter.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie helps a woman fixated on having a baby girl.

Question: My husband and I have been trying for baby number two for six months now, and because of my age (I’m 38), time is running out. The problem is that, while I love my two-year-old son more than anything, I’m desperate for a daughter to complete our family.

I’ve done extensive research on methods that supposedly sway one gender or another, and while the jury is out on how legit they are, for my own peace of mind and mental health, I have been following every piece of advice to conceive a girl – including diet changes, taking supplements and only having sex at certain times during my fertile window.

Obviously we’ve had no luck yet and my husband wants to abandon the method and just try to get pregnant as quickly as possible, regardless of the gender outcome. But I’m not ready to give up and will be heartbroken if I never get the daughter I always dreamt of, and it’s causing friction in our relationship. How do we find a solution?

Answer: I can understand wanting to have a daughter for gender balance in your family. However, I’m concerned about the impact on your relationship with your husband and the potential ramifications for your relationship with your future child.

Choosing the sex of your baby

Our current best research shows that the sperm determines the sex of the baby. And that the genetics and circumstances of the male partner or sperm donor play a role in this.

You’re right that there are various theories about how to give male or female sperm the best chance of reaching the egg. However, none of these theories are scientifically validated.

Unless you’re using IVF, you cannot guarantee the sex of your baby.

Unless you’re using IVF, you cannot guarantee the sex of your baby. Picture: iStock

It’s also important to note that sex selection through IVF (for non-medical reasons) is currently not permitted by the National Health and Medical Research Committee’s ethical guidelines in Australia. (For what it’s worth, the United Nations and the World Health Organisation are also against this practice, although that’s a much bigger discussion.)

While many professionals argue for the legalisation of gender selection in Australia, that isn’t the current reality.

Be mentally and emotionally prepared for having another boy. Picture: iStock

You need to be prepared for a baby of either gender

I hear you say that you’re following all of these guidelines for your own mental health, but I do have to question whether this is helping your mental health at the moment. It certainly seems to be damaging your relationship.

I understand that you desperately want a girl. It’s understandable to want a child of a certain gender – particularly to have gender-balance in your family.

I would like to see you mentally and emotionally prepared for the potential that your baby isn’t a girl. Please, for the sake of your future child, make sure that you have come to peace with the possibility that you may have another boy, before that child arrives.

It’s understandable that you might feel sad or disappointed discovering your baby’s gender. Be prepared to speak to an expert about it.

Your son is potentially being impacted by any tension that’s between you right now. Picture: iStock

Relationship happiness is important for your children’s wellbeing

My more immediate concern for you is the impact this is having on your relationship.

I don’t want to add to your stress, but I do want to let you know that relationship tension in the last trimester of pregnancy has a measurable impact on your baby. Your son is also potentially being impacted by any tension that’s between you right now.

Having a strong relationship is important for the wellbeing of your children – and your mental health.

I’m wondering specifically what here is causing friction between you and your husband. Picture: iStock

Aim for understanding and compromise

Research shows that it isn’t what couples argue about, but how they communicate in those arguments that determines the long term success of their relationships.

Strong couples with different perspectives can still find a way to hear each other and reach a compromise.

I’m wondering specifically what here is causing friction between you and your husband. My guess is that you’re having difficulty understanding each other’s perspective.

It’s not up to me as a therapist to tell you what to do, but I can give you tools to work it out together.

What about this is most challenging for your husband? What are his concerns and fears about the way you’re approaching this?

Consider whether there are ways that you can compromise to meet as many of both your needs as possible here. Are there certain techniques you’re trying that are okay for your husband? Can you agree on a timeline to keep trying your way before becoming more flexible?

Trying to conceive can be a challenging time in a relationship. Consider reaching out to a professional for support while navigating this together.

Isiah McKimmie is a Couples Therapist, Sexologist, Sex Therapist and Lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy.