‘I hate my boyfriend’s friends, how do I stop him seeing them?’

An Aussie woman says she’s close to making her party animal boyfriend choose between her and his friends.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie explains why there’s more to nagging than meets the eye.

Question: I don’t like my boyfriend’s friends. They seem to want to go out all the time and my boyfriend comes home drunk and then is really hungover. That was fine when we were in our 20s, but now that we’re in our 30s, I think that it’s time for him to grow up. He’s great when he’s not with them and he says he feels they pressure him into drinking. How do I get him to spend less time with them? I want to start a family and I can’t have him behaving like this.

Answer: There’s a lot more going on here than you not liking your partner’s friends. You and your boyfriend have to consider whether you have enough alignment on values, goals and your roles in life to continue your relationship.

What is it about your boyfriend spending time with his friends that you don’t like?

There can be different reasons you might not like someone’s friends.

In your case, it sounds like it’s not his friends, but what your boyfriend does when he’s around them that’s concerning for you.

You also need to get really clear on why this is upsetting for you. You’ll need to go deeper than ‘he comes home drunk and is really hungover’. Why is that an issue for you? What emotion does that cause you to have?

I don’t like my boyfriend’s friends. My boyfriend comes home drunk and then is really hungover. Picture: iStock

The problem isn’t his friends

I have to tell you that it doesn’t sound like your boyfriend’s friends are the issue here. It sounds like the issue is your boyfriend’s behaviour and what this means to you.

I want to take a guess that you’re afraid that if you start a family with him, he’s not going to be responsible and give you the support you need. Have I got that right?

I’m also wondering if you feel hurt or upset on the days he’s hungover because it impacts your plans with him? Underneath this might be a feeling that he doesn’t spend enough quality time with you or doesn’t make you a priority.

Is there also a feeling of jealousy that he wants to go out and have fun with his friends – and not spend time with you? Do the two of you still have fun together?

These are the issues that you need to get really clear on for yourself.

Do you feel hurt or upset on the days he’s hungover because it impacts your plans with him? Picture: iStock

You can’t ask him to spend less time with people he cares about

You need to be very careful asking – or trying to coerce – your boyfriend into spending less time with the people he loves.

Making someone choose between people they care about rarely goes well. If he stops seeing his friends because you ask him to, there’s a good chance he’ll resent you for it later.

It’s also important for your boyfriend’s mental health and the strength of your relationship that he maintains friendships.

Talk about what you need

You need to talk about this and try to work together so you both feel good about where this relationship is headed.

You’ll need to understand whether your values and goals are enough aligned for you to continue. Have you had a conversation about this yet?

What are both your timelines for starting a family? What are your expectations of each other when that happens?

By talking through things together, you may find solutions to this issue. Picture: iStock

You’ll also have to understand each other’s needs and how you might compromise on them.

Sometimes what we think we need isn’t the only thing that can help us. By talking through things together, you may find solutions to this issue that you hadn’t thought of so far – solutions that don’t involve him dumping his friends.

It’s reasonable that your boyfriend would have a need to go out and spend time with his friends. It’s also reasonable that you want to spend time with him when he isn’t hungover. Can you find a way to balance those needs?

Perhaps you can agree on and plan times for you to be with your friends as well. It might also be important for you to plan fun things to do together so that you still feel like a priority to him.

We don’t have to align on everything to be in a strong relationship, but we do need to align on important life goals.

Isiah McKimmie is a Couples Therapist, Sexologist, Sex Therapist and Lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy.