Relationship Rehab: Woman in happy relationship shares dilemma

It’s a dilemma countless happy couples have grappled with – whether to start a family, or risk “missing out” altogether.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie explains that having kids is a choice and not an obligation.

Question: I’m a 40-year-old woman and I’ve been with my partner for almost six years. I know he’s the one – we are just so happy together. I always thought that one day I’d have kids and now seems like the right time – I’m also aware that biologically, I probably need to do it soon. The only issue is that I just don’t feel a strong maternal urge. I find children quite annoying and can’t imagine having one 24/7. Am I just thinking about having kids because society thinks I should? How do I know if it’s right for me?

Answer: The truth is you can be happy without having kids.

You can lead a fulfilling life, have a strong relationship and contribute to your community. But this is an important decision for you and your partner to discuss together.

Take time to reflect

The pressure that women can feel to have children – from family and society – is real.

It’s difficult to untangle our own desires from the expectations and narratives that surround us. It can take deep reflection and soul-searching to find what’s really right for you.

You’re not alone in questioning this decision. Being child-free by choice is a growing movement. Across the world, we’re seeing people make the choice to not have children for a variety of reasons.

Being child-free by choice is a growing movement. Picture: iStock

In terms of the research, it’s pretty mixed on whether having children makes you happier or not. Certainly in some cases, having children can make people happier.

But there’s also a large body of evidence that shows that having children can make you more stressed and less happy. This is especially the case for women who, unfortunately, end up doing more household labour than men.

In fact, recent research showed single, childless women were happiest of all.

The pressure that women can feel to have children – from family and society – is real. Picture: iStock

Take time to reflect on what you want for your own life. Do you want kids enough to change the way your life is now? How do you imagine you’ll feel about this in a few years’ time?

There are no right answers to this. Remember that whatever you decide is perfectly valid.

Talk to your partner

Obviously, there’s more than your own feelings that you need to consider in this. It’s important to understand how your partner feels about this too.

Your partner’s feelings about this can impact yours. If your partner is ambivalent about this, it might make your decision easier.

If your partner still strongly desires children, it’s probably best that you make this decision (one way or the other) sooner rather than later.

Take time to reflect on what you want for your own life. Picture: iStock

If you both decide having kids isn’t something you want, you can then reconsider the goals you have for your lives and move forward together.

Create your own meaning

Don’t let anyone tell you that the only way you can add value as a woman is to have children.

There are many ways that you can contribute to the world. Raising kids doesn’t have to be the way you do it.

There are many ways you can contribute to the world other than having babies. Picture: iStock

What does a meaningful life look like for you?

For some people it might be a successful career, for others living a life of freedom and enjoyment. Others will find meaning in being able to give back.

You might still grieve

Choosing not to have children doesn’t necessarily mean there won’t be grief.

You might still feel grief for the decision you make. Feelings of sadness and ‘what if’ are understandable.

They don’t mean that you’re making the wrong decision.

Get support

If you decide you don’t want kids, consider joining online communities or follow Instagram accounts of those who are childless by choice so that you know you’re not alone.

It might also be helpful to take some time to talk through this with a therapist so you can feel confident about your own choice.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sexologist, sex therapist and lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy. If you have a question for Isiah, email [e-mail]