40 reasons why we’re always running late in Melbourne

With roadworks at every turn, trains that run unexpectedly through the Loop and cycling events that shut down streets every weekend, we’ve always got excuses for being late in Melbourne. Here’s 40 of them.

Need excuses for being late? We got ‘em. Picture: Kylie Else

The great Melbourne tradition of catching up for coffee is matched only by the great Melbourne tradition of being obnoxiously late for coffee.

But with roadworks between your kitchen and bathroom and a train system that packs up if it’s spitting with rain, there are plenty of excuses for showing up five to fifty minutes late for a friend.

Here are 40 excuses for being late in Melbourne.

Some of them might even be true.

1. I got stuck behind a mobility scooter on the freeway.

This happened.

2. My phone ran out of charge and my Melway has none of the new roads in it.

3. I was trapped in my street by a cycling event.

4. Getting the right photo of my breakfast was extra tricky today.

5. I stopped by Bunnings and forgot I was an adult for two hours.

Beware the Bunnings vortex.

6. I needed to stay until the very end of an open for inspection to prove to the agent I was keener than the others.

7. I had to help my kids carry their sports gear, laptops, musical instruments and social harmony dioramas home from the bus stop.

8. My train went through the Loop without warning.

9. My train was late.

10. My train never showed up.

11. My neck was really sore but I couldn’t find a massage parlour that wasn’t an illegal brothel.

12. I got stuck with the kids because I found out there was an unvaccinated child in their class.

13. There was a sale at Uniqlo and I only have four puffy jackets.

14. They gave me a latte instead of a soy latte and I made them make it again.

15. I stopped by Crown for 15 minutes then suddenly realised I’d been there for five hours.

16. There was a vegan protest blocking Swanston St so it took ages to get to my vegan laksa place.

17. I was waiting for Carlton to win a match.

18. The M1 was like a car park, only I didn’t get a fine for parking there for more than an hour.

19. I messed up a hook turn and ended up in Epping.

20. My replacement bus got stuck in roadworks.

Please allow an extra three hours for your journey.

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21. Someone burgled my house while I was out burgling someone else’s.

22. I misgendered the principal at parent teacher interviews and am now on bail.

23. I popped by the safe drug injecting room to get a free needle for my diabetes insulin.

24. I had to stop for petrol, and beg on the streets for several hours to pay for it.

25. I got stuck on Hoddle St.

26. I was waiting at home for a sparky who got stuck on Hoddle St.

27. I tried to do the electrical work myself, suffered electric shock and the ambulance got stuck on Hoddle St.

28. I was discharged from hospital and was waiting to be picked up by an Uber that got stuck on Hoddle St.

29. My heating was broken so I had to set fire to my house.

30. Pilates ran overtime because we spent half the class talking about how great pilates is.

31. I forgot the footy was on and took Brunton Ave.

Brunton Avenue on a footy night: Abort.

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32. The weather was too hot, cold, windy, wet or moderate for public transport to be operational.

33. The West Gate was chockers because a cat sneezed in Yarraville.

34. I called Telstra to fix my landline last week and have been on hold ever since.

35. Having spent such a long time in queue at the post office I decided to mail myself. Please pick me up from the nearest parcel depot.

36. There was another police incident at U9s indoor soccer.

37. I sat in the car an extra 20 minutes because Smooth FM was laying down the tunes.

38. I was carjacked. Good thing the car was stolen anyway.

39. By the time I found the nearest parking spot outside, I was almost home again.

40. My gluten intolerant french bulldog ate bread.

Mitchell Toy is a Melbourne writer and artist.