Mitchell Toy: The 12 types of train commuters you need to avoid
SITTING in a confined metal tube with a group of strangers is a daily reality for commuters. Here are 12 Melbourne train-going types you need to spot a mile away so you can avoid them — and avoid becoming them.
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THE human challenge of sitting in a confined metal tube early in the morning with a group of strangers is a daily reality for commuters.
Here are 12 Melbourne train-going types you need to spot a mile away so you can avoid sitting near them and, most importantly, avoid becoming them.
THE KNEE-BREAKER
If you thought you were already packed in tight enough, meet the commuter who is now sitting down opposite.
Seven-feet tall with shins of cast iron and no sense of personal space, your legs are now being guillotined against the edge of the seat as the knee-breaker uses his height as an excuse to make your life hell.
BIKE GUY
Make way, everyone. It’s bike guy. While you gas-guzzling capitalists are driving to the station, this guy’s pedal power is saving the planet.
And to thank him for it, the whole carriage has to sacrifice two square metres of space and have pedals jab their shins near the door. What a hero.
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OL’ SMELLY
A strange combination of odours — cigarettes, fast food, body odour and mothballs — makes you wish this commuter had taken a shower in Glen 20 before embarking on the trip.
Depending on whether or not their own sense of smell has been completely eradicated, this might be a cunning plan to make sure they always have plenty of leg room.
‘CAN YOU MOVE DOWN, PLEASE’ LADY
Despite dozens of people being in exactly the same predicament in a packed carriage, the ‘can you move down, please’ lady believes her struggle is unique. Why is this happening to her?
I tell you why. It’s those people in the middle of the carriage. They’re not making enough room.
They’re not making enough room and they’re making her life hell and they’re doing it on purpose. Can you move down, please?
METH HEAD
Strange tatts, open wounds, overly cheery demeanour and bum bag. These are the traits of the meth head.
Often talking loudly to another of his kind and often disappearing as soon as the ticket inspectors board the next carriage, God knows what this fellow is doing riding the rails in the middle of the day. Of course, he’s doing meth.
INFURIATING SCHOOL KIDS
Such cunning you have ducking out of work early and avoiding peak-hour. But wait. Something’s wrong. You glance at your watch. It’s just before 4pm. Oh no.
Like the final scene from the film Deep Impact the train is inundated with school kids with ear-bursting screams, scooters and loud phones.
Before long you’re stuck in a corner involuntarily listening to their nonsensical conversations and shallow friendships.
THE MEGAPHONE
No matter how sensitive the conversation or how packed the train, it doesn’t matter — this person just yells it as loud as they can down the phone.
Their best friend is going through divorce? You now know every detail. Their sister’s infectious illness is back? You know the prognosis and treatment intimately.
But as soon as their mate on the other end of the phone asks a stinging question like: “how are you going with the job search?” things change. “Yeah, I’m on the train,” they say.
EVASION SHAMER
Ready with their topped-up Myki as soon as the ticket inspectors are within three kilometres, this commuter takes delight in seeing fare evaders get busted.
Rolling their eyes as the ESL tourist mumbles excuses, scoffing as the underprivileged teen says he’s lost his concession card, the evasion shamer turns back to a crisp copy of the Financial Review with a wry smile when the action is over.
CLOSE SITTER
There are plenty of seats in the carriage, but there is only one seat the close sitter wants: the one next to you.
They want to face the direction of travel so it doesn’t matter that empty seats facing backwards are plentiful.
Like penguins huddling for warmth, you are now doomed to make this entire journey as a pair.
MOBILE OFFICE
Not only does this workaholic often take their work home, they also take it on their commute.
What an ace.
Juggling a laptop and loose paper on their knees, whipping red pen over those reports, cocking an eyebrow so other commuters know they’re a real high-altitude flyer.
Yet, hiding Candy Crush in their lap.
CARRIAGE HOPPER
To the untrained eye, all the carriages on the train look exactly the same.
But not to the carriage hopper.
They alight in a rear carriage, and after plying their sixth sense, can tell this carriage is not quite right.
Better change carriages between stations. And if the next carriage isn’t right, do it again.
Closely related to the ‘meth head’ and the ‘infuriating school kid’.
THE INCREDIBLE DELAY HULK
This person seems completely calm for the whole journey. But then the train stops just outside Flinders St and the driver makes an announcement: “We’ll be here for about two minutes while another train clears the platform.”
That’s when things change. The commuter slowly turns pale. Then bright green. Anger bubbles up their throat and then spills out their mouth. They increase to four times their natural size.
They yell, bang their fists, threaten legal action against Metro, swear, tear off their tattered clothes, rip a hole in the side of the train and exit.
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