Mitchell Toy uncovers Melbourne’s seven deadly parking sins

All of us have, at one time or other, valued a parking space more than our soul. But it’s not too late to repent your parking sins, writes Herald Sun satirist Mitchell Toy.

Digital image by Mitchell Toy

Repent! You, motorist, have sinned.

All of us have, at one time or other, valued a parking space more than our soul.

Here are seven deadly parking sins to stay away from, and be granted inner parking peace.

Take not more than your allotted space.

HANGING OVER

If you know how to start the ignition of a car, you know that white lines are the invisible hands of God that bring order to the chaos of parking.

Obey.

Just as a child might imagine that a single toe hanging out of their bed at night might be bitten off by a monster, so too should you assume that any part of your car hanging over those sacred white lines will be lopped off.

Especially with angle parking, one foul parker can cause a horrible knock-on effect felt by motorists ten cars down the line.

MORE MITCHELL TOY:

THE SEVEN RULES FOR RUNNING LOCAL GOVERNMENT

THE REALITY SHOWS WE DESERVE

THE COMMUTERS YOU NEED TO AVOID

SELFISH REVERSING

If you’re banked up in traffic on a high street and someone in an angled parking spot right next to you is leaving, you will hear a voice in your head.

That voice will tell you it’s OK to reverse, forcing those behind you to reverse, and claim the parking spot.

That voice is the devil.

Once you’re past a parking spot, you’re past it. Reversing a short distance when nobody is behind you is one thing, but depriving another of a spot that has been rightfully granted to them by fate is another.

Do so at your peril.

Abandon all hope, ye who attempt the U-turn park

U-TURNING TO OBLIVION

Angled parking is angled so it’s easy for people driving in a particular direction to park.

By presuming it’s OK to do a U-turn into an angled parking space, not only are you going against nature, you are selling your soul.

Not only does it rob the rightful parker of their space, but it creates a traffic confusion that can take a month to clear.

Most often witnessed in times of heightened panic such as Christmas or just before school pick-up, the angled U-turn is a sure road to hell.

OFFERING FALSE HOPE

After 45 minutes of shopping, it’s easier to drop the bags in the boot before going to get a coffee.

But beware: your return to your car is bound to offer tantalising but false hope to a passing motorist hungry for your car space.

It is best to indicate at first opportunity, with a shake of the head and lateral hand movement, that this endeavour will prove fruitless and let the poor soul move on.

Loading shopping into the rear of your car for a minute or so without an indication of an intent to stay, then simply walking off not only crushes hearts, it holds up traffic in already busy high streets.

Pride is a good thing when it comes to paintwork.

SHARING PAINT

Your 2002 Hyundai Getz is a bit frayed around the edges so it’s no big loss if the door gets chipped.

But don’t just fling it open and hope for the best.

Spare a thought for the car parked next to you and, even if it’s another old Getz, don’t just thrust your door into their paintwork.

Taking pride in the chariot is a worthy pursuit and respect of others’ possessions is vital.

Even if it means wriggling up awkwardly out of the drivers seat through a narrow opening in the door, not damaging your parking neighbour’s panels is a civic duty.

PLAYING THE SLOTH

Just as loading the boot and walking away without proper communication is wrong, so too is taking far too long to load the boot when you actually are leaving.

Handling each shopping bag as if it were a newborn.

Stopping and chatting with a friend.

Checking the weather on your phone.

Making a slow-mo pilgrimage to the trolley return bay.

It’s not on. Once it’s clear to the hoard of parking vultures that your spot will soon be up for grabs, make it quick.

Dutifully load the shopping then swiftly leave and help somebody else park faster, and the drivers behind them move through more efficiently.

Love thy neighbour. Give them space.

FALSELY IMPRISONING

Imagine for a moment the only parking space you can find is between a parked car and a driveway or bus zone.

Imagine the space is only a couple of centimetres longer than your car.

Imagine the parked car is also just a few centimetres from another parked car behind it.

You might feel the temptation to squeeze into the space and be done with it, but repent, for you will be parking someone in.

Anyone who has ever returned to their car to find it wedged between a bull bar and a tow bar knows this anguish.

Waiting around for the other motorist to return is not only a time waster, but allows the falsely imprisoned driver to stew long enough for a physical confrontation to manifest.

Parking someone in is never the answer.