Mitchell Toy: How to answer children’s questions about Santa

The lead-up to Christmas is when discerning children begin to pick apart the Santa story with sharp questions. This is how to dodge the trickiest of queries for another year.

Advent is when car spaces are fought over like the last life vest on the Titanic, and discerning children pick apart the Santa story with sharp questions.

Good thing we have you covered with these 20 easy answers to 20 common niggling queries your child might have about Santa’s existence and habits.

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How will Santa get in when our apartment has no chimney?

Santa, present at this year’s quorate body corporate Annual General Meeting, indicated he will use the ducted heating in the absence of a chimney.

The reindeer will be told to wait on the car stacker. The matter was unanimously passed.

How do elves make iPads?

Apple products are routinely designed in California and assembled elsewhere.

The tariff war currently prohibits the entry of North Pole iPads, which is why yours was sourced from China, but was still wrapped by elves.

How do presents for millions of children fit in such a small sack?

Vacuum sealing.

How can Santa be in Myer and David Jones at the same time?

Just as Santa can deliver presents to millions of homes at once, so too can he exist in two styrofoam thrones at once.

His magic is even powerful enough to circumvent contracts which prohibit working for direct competitors.

Santa’s magic is so strong it allows him to be in two department stores at once, with completely altered facial features.

Why wasn’t daddy here while Santa visited?

One year, Santa took a loan from daddy to pay for your Razor scooter.

Santa has missed several repayments on that loan and prefers to visit when daddy is absent.

If it’s summer in Australia, why does Santa still wear a coat when he visits?

Since Santa’s trip to Melbourne is on the same leg as his trip to Antarctica, removing the coat isn’t an efficient use of time.

How come Santa is supposed to only visit nice children, but the bully at school got a bike?

The bully’s parents tricked that poor child into believing Santa had visited by purchasing the bike themselves and hiding it in the garage until Christmas.

Your bike was delivered in no such way.

How did my letter to Santa reach the North Pole when it’s inaccessible by Australia Post bicycles?

While most of Victoria, let alone the Arctic Circle, often seems inaccessible to Australia Post bicycles, letters are collected from local depots during the year by flying reindeer who have little else to do.

Letters to the Arctic Circle, inaccessible by Australia Post bikes, are carried by flying reindeer.

Does Santa have kids?

Santa is metaphorically a type of father to all children who believe in him, and literally a father to more of them than he may care to publicly admit.

Why does Santa never visit poor children?

Zoning issues.

Why do the reindeer eat carrots?

Carrots improve eyesight at night time and those deer have to dodge Jetstar flights like complete pros.

How is Santa always watching me?

Santa sits at the heart of a data-gathering machine that rivals the NSA and the Chinese Government.

Intel from undercover sources is delivered via encrypted messaging apps.

Santa’s flying sleigh was delivered by SpaceX after persistent badgering from Elon Musk.

Who designed Santa’s flying sleigh?

Elon Musk, even though he wasn’t asked to help.

Why is Santa so fat?

Santa is contractually obliged to consume the milk and cookies left for him by every child in the world.

He is, all things considered, remarkably slim.

How come Santa’s wrapping paper matches the wrapping paper on presents we give to extended family members?

Magic.

How do I know when I’m on the naughty list?

All parents are sent daily updates on the naughty and nice lists in the form of a read-only PDF via email.

Parents know when you’re on the naughty list and can advise which changes in behaviour or chores need to be undertaken to improve the listing.

Having lived since the beginning of time, Santa worked in hospitality before the birth of Christ.

If Santa has lived forever, was he alive before Jesus, for whom Christmas is celebrated?

Santa was around before Jesus, but was working in hospitality part time while studying.

If Santa brings presents for free, why are toys always on sale before Christmas?

Santa’s anti-competitive behaviour is being investigated by government watchdogs around the western world but, pending a resolution, retailers have no choice but to put toys on sale to compete with the North Pole machine.

Do the elves get paid?

Elves are volunteers or are serving non-custodial sentences.

Does Santa visit atheist families?

Atheist parents often buy presents for their children and leave them under the tree because they believe Santa will not visit.

Santa does visit, and replaces all the presents with exact replicas.

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