Unmissable signs that its Christmas in Melbourne
A trip to Chaddy requires a packed lunch and you know the staff at Dan Murphy’s by name — Melburnians, these are the 40 ways you really know it’s Christmas.
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Christmas is here and it’s time to speak to relatives you haven’t seen since last December.
It’s time to dust off the baubles and reboot the Bing Crosby playlist as the weather gets warmer and the threat of physical violence in shopping centre carparks increases.
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You know it’s Christmas in Melbourne when …
1. One local council or another is in trouble for spending too much on Christmas decorations, or not spending enough.
2. Anyone likely to get free tickets to the tennis sees a sudden increase in close friends.
3. The full extent of the city’s tattoo obsession becomes clear as the weather gets warmer and the garments get lighter.
4. News stories about the AFL are mostly limited to off-season scandals.
5. Excuses for train delays gradually go from “too wet” to “too hot”.
6. Shopping centre carparks become frontiers of aggression and indecency.
7. Smooth 91.5 comes into its own.
8. People start saying, “are you getting any time off?”
9. A trip to Chadstone requires a packed lunch.
10. You get to know the staff at Dan Murphy’s by name.
11. Half the Amazon seems to have been felled for the retail junk mail showing up in your letterbox.
12. Australia Post once again becomes your best friend and your worst enemy.
13. The debate about the merit of Mariah Carey is on again.
14. The Christmas decorations over the IGA deli, which have been there for seven years, are yet again temporarily justified.
15. Colleagues start swapping ham glazing tips and reliable chutney brands.
16. The sale of Bunnings vouchers outpaces the sale of Bunnings sausages.
17. Everybody’s waiting to hear back from the in-laws about what the go is for Christmas Day.
18. Snowman motifs clash with increasing bushfire danger.
19. Parents realise LEGO has a higher price per kilo than avocados.
20. The beach diet is locked in mortal combat with the Christmas party canape diet.
21. Boxes of Cadbury Favourites are traded like cigarettes in prison.
22. Children who visit two shopping centres in one day are challenged by the idea that Santa can exist in two places at once.
23. Your local cafe has stopped offering soup and has started offering cold press.
24. Receipts are kept.
25. The high street has a resident nine-year-old busker playing carols on a school-issued violin.
26. Flights to Noosa and Byron are chockers.
27. Every school is advertising a Christmas concert on a board donated by a local real estate agent.
28. Telfast and mince pies are consumed in equal measure.
29. The Esky, used as a storage container, prepares to resume its primary function.
30. A decision in January to shove tangled Christmas lights into a garbage for hasty storage returns to bite.
31. Energy authorities are getting ready to pour extra supply into Christmas lights at Ivanhoe.
32. You welcome the mixed scent of sunscreen, Aeroguard and cinnamon.
33. Cherries are in season.
34. You realise 15c bags at the supermarket will cost you hundreds over the next month.
35. Tap and Go isn’t a credit card service, it’s a life philosophy.
36. The mess and hassle of having a live Christmas tree in an apartment is forgotten and a fresh one is sought.
37. The risk of tinsel-related static electric shock at Myer is high.
38. The days gradually get longer as your attention span at work gets shorter.
39. Ads for supermarkets show large extended families at happy gatherings that are unrealistically civil.
40. The distance between the shop you want to go to and an available parking space increases dramatically.
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