‘Why does my husband do so little housework and childcare?’

A wife has detailed the reality of why she doesn’t feel like having sex with her husband and it’s obvious when you think about it.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie hears from a reader who has stopped having sex with her husband because he doesn’t pull his weight in the home.

QUESTION: I had a baby 14 months ago and I love my little boy so much. Before I got pregnant things weren’t great between my husband and me, and when the baby came it brought us much closer together.

I took maternity leave so naturally ended up doing most of the childcare and a lot of the domestic work too. I’ve been back at work full-time for a few months and I’ve noticed my husband isn’t stepping up with childcare or housework. I basically do almost everything as he says he’s too busy with work.

I’m not sure why his full-time job is more tiring or time-consuming than my full-time job! I really resent him – we’re barely speaking and have stopped having sex. I can’t work out if he’s lazy, misogynistic or both! What can I do to save my marriage?

Chores and childcare duties can cause friction between couples. Picture: iStock.

ANSWER: Housework and childcare can have a significant impact on a relationship. I can understand why you would feel resentful at this point, but there are definitely some things you can try to resolve the issues of chores and childcare before deciding to end your marriage.

Household chores commonly cause tension in a relationship

Household chores are one of the most common issues that couples argue about. Unfortunately you’ve found yourself in a position that many women find themselves in – doing both paid labour outside the home and shouldering the majority of unpaid labour (physical and emotional) inside the home.

When couples have egalitarian relationships (share the chores equally) they have happier relationships (and more satisfying sex lives) than couples who don’t share the burden equally.

When one person feels like they’re taking on an unfair amount of work, tension builds and all areas of a relationship are impacted – exactly what you’re experiencing now.

Men and women have different perceptions of housework

I’m already imagining my inbox filling with men telling me I’m sexist as I write this, but here’s what actual research says about gender differences in household chores.

Men are more likely to be satisfied with the amount of housework they’re doing than women who feel like they do more work. (Research shows women do carry more of the emotional load and do more chores at home). Men tend to over-estimate the amount of household labour they actually do.

Women have been socialised to pay more attention to household chores and are also more likely to feel shame about their ‘housekeeping abilities’ than men, often making it more important to them.

So your husband may not be lazy or misogynistic – he may just be completely unaware of what needs to be done.

But your argument isn’t about housework

Your argument isn’t just about the chores or childcare though. There’s always a deeper meaning to the issues couples fight about.

In your case, it sounds like you’re feeling disrespected, unsupported and unvalued. This argument isn’t just about who does the dishes, washes the clothes or puts the baby to bed, it’s about you feeling valued by your partner and that you’re a team working together.

Sharing these underlying needs with your partner can help him understand why this issue is such a big deal to you.

Tips to stop fighting over household chores:

– Talk about the issue together

– Understand each other’s underlying emotions and needs

– Each take responsibility for the chores you like or don’t mind

– Find a way to divide or share the tasks neither of you like

– Make sure it feels fair to both of you

– Stick to your agreements – and if one of you doesn’t, talk about it.

Resentment can build up if one member of a couple feels like they’re doing more work than the other. Picture: Picture: istock.

How to talk about chores with your partner

How we raise difficult issues with a partner is important (even if we have a valid point), so I want to share how you can raise this with the best chance of your partner listening.

– Use ‘I’ statements, not ‘You statements’

– Tell your partner what’s bothering you without blame or criticism

– Share your emotions

– Focus on what you need, not what your partner is doing wrong

– Make sure you understand each other before trying to make practical suggestions

– Call a time-out if the conversation becomes heated and return to it when you’re both calm

Here’s an example of what it might sound like:

I’m feeling frustrated about housework and the division of childcare right now. I need to feel like we’re a team and that we’re both taking responsibility. I’d like us to have a conversation about who does what around the house.

You’re dealing with issues that have been building up for a while, along with potentially different expectations of what should happen, so know that this might take a few conversations for meaningful change. Good luck!

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sexologist, sex therapist and lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy.

Originally published as ‘Why does my husband do so little housework and childcare?’