What is a cuckold fantasy and is it a problem?

A husband who gets turned on by using his wife’s photo to talk to other men online wants to know whether he has an addiction.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie hears from a reader who uses his wife’s photo to talk to other men online and is questioning whether he has an addiction.

QUESTION: I’ve got a compulsion to do something really strange but I can’t seem to stop myself. Recently, I used my wife’s photo to talk to other men online. It’s part of a cuckold fantasy where I get turned on about the thought of my wife being with someone else. She doesn’t know I use her photos and I know she wouldn’t be on board with this fantasy.

In the past, I’ve catfished my own wife pretending to be other men (we have an open relationship) and I get a kick of pretending to be a more alpha male than I am. Is there a name for my addiction and is there anything I can do about it?

News.com.au’s resident sexologist and couples therapist, Isiah McKimmie. Picture: Isiah McKimmie

ANSWER: I’m not aware of there being a name for this specific ‘addiction’, but I do have some suggestions for what you can do about it.

I’m hesitant to use the word ‘addiction’ here because the term ‘sex addiction’ is still hotly debated in psychological circles. I am curious about why you use the term and if there’s more going on here than you’re sharing. I do hear however that you’re engaging in behaviours that you can’t seem to stop and that will have a potentially detrimental impact on your life. I can understand why you’re concerned.

I know it’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but many men have cuckold fantasies. Many couples also choose to have open relationships. Neither of those issues in themselves are a concern to me. I appreciate that you and your wife have been able to navigate the complex world of open relationship together.

It’s the deception that’s my concern. I’m concerned that your wife will feel violated if she finds out and that it will damage your relationship. I imagine you are too.

Isiah McKimmie hears from a reader who has a cuckold fantasy. Picture: Getty Images

Try to understand what’s causing you to lie to her and why you can’t see to stop.

Firstly, I’m wondering what, if anything, triggered this happening. Was there anything that happened right before you started doing this for the first time? Or is there anything that happens right before you try to catfish your wife or use her photos? Also notice if there’s anything that tends to increase the urges that you have.

Understanding your triggers can help you take steps to better manage your behaviour.

Many men have cuckold fantasies but it's the deception that is a concern. Picture: Getty Images

Compulsive sexual behaviours are often associated with additional mental health concerns.

Are you struggling with anxiety, depression or lack of self worth at all? Sometimes, these can be difficult to see and acknowledge. Compulsive sexual behaviours are a way of numbing difficult emotions.

Looking back into your history might help you gain clarity and control.

Problematic behaviours in adulthood often have their origins in issues from childhood. It can be helpful to explore where your desires originate. Looking back at your history might also help you understand the lack of honesty you’re experiencing with your wife. Have you experienced lack of honesty in a relationship before? Is there anything in your childhood that might support this?

You might find it helpful to understand your Attachment Style, which I discuss in depth here.

Is there anything in your childhood or past that might help you understand the lack of honesty you are experiencing with your wife? Picture: Getty Images

Sometimes sexual compulsions can escalate as people look for new ‘highs’.

Have you noticed an escalation in your behaviours recently? If you have, I suggest reaching out for further support.

You might benefit from a 12 Step Program or Therapy.

12 step groups like Sexual Addicts Anonymous are free and allow you to share your story and get support. This might not feel like the right place for you, but it’s an option.

You might also benefit from getting support through therapy. A good therapist, understanding of your issue can help you understand why these compulsive behaviours arose and give you more practical tools and support to stop them.

Further, a Couple Therapist can help you and your wife deal with this issue together, which may be beneficial, especially if she finds out that you’ve deceived her.

Group therapy support meeting talking about their mental health in a modern mental health facility

Look for healthy, honest ways of expressing your sexual desires.

As I mentioned, your behaviours in and of themselves are understandable. Role paying with a partner is a great way to bring out different aspects of our personality and have fun. It may even be a turn on for your wife to see a more ‘alpha’ side of you. But you need to gain consent from your wife.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sexologist, sex therapist and lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy.

Originally published as What is a cuckold fantasy and is it a problem?