James Weir recaps Married At First Sight episode 38: ‘Be gone with you, horrible woman! Be gone!’

This MAFS final spirals into a petty mudslinging match, with the insulted husband heckling his ex as she runs into the woods. James Weir recaps.

A Married At First Sight final vow renewal ceremony ends in a tit for tat break-up on Monday night as a bitter husband banishes his ex-wife into the woods while heckling her with the taunt: “Be gone with you, horrible woman!”

More marriages should end with ye olde insults.

In return, the banished bride suggests her ex check into a rehab facility that specialises in treating men who are losers.

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The entire 90-minute episode really should’ve been dedicated to this mudslinging match. There would’ve been enough footage to do an extended director’s cut. Instead, producers decide to incorporate the final vows of two other couples.

First, there’s the boring love story of Rhi and Jeff. They unsurprisingly decide to stay together and producers breathe a sigh of relief that there’s now another success story that can lend legitimacy to this social experiment.

Just like Cam and Jules, we predict there’ll be a Metamucil ad campaign in their future. After all, nothin’ is more romantic than his-and-hers bowel movements.

Boooo! Say something mean about each other! Picture: Channel 9.

MORE: Gross reality of MAFS revealed

Next up: Paul and Carina. Producers think we’re on the edge of our seats to see if she’ll forgive him for his various misdemeanours, but we’re not.

It’s the classic final vow set-up. Paul delivers a long and winding speech that paints a picture of a beautiful fairy tale filled with love and romance and happily ever afters. And then Carina smashes a sledgehammer through it.

“A few weeks ago, this decision would’ve been easy for me. There’d be no question I want to stay with you,” she says. “But you threw it all away in a selfish act.”

She lays it all out – everything from how he called her a snob and punched a wall to how he went on a date with his backup bride just last week.

“In my eyes, that was the final straw. I felt embarrassed, humiliated and disrespected and I never want to feel like that again,” she says. “I can’t look at you the same way. The trust is broken and I can’t come back from that. Paul, I was yours, you had me and you ruined it. And now you’re going to have to live with that for the rest of your life.”

In a final desperate move, he ugly cries.

God answered Carina’s prayers and said: Dump his ass. Picture: Channel 9.

“F**k,” he gasps. “F**k I’m so sorry.”

Carina clip-clops her stilettos down the paved pathway, back towards the limousine Hummer. Meanwhile, Paul is left to crawl into a hedge where he collapses in a sobbing heap.

Someone turn the sprinklers on. Picture: Channel 9.

We jump in the limo Hummer, veer off the highway and follow a dirt road through the bush until we reach a clearing. We arrive just in time to see Ryan and Jacqui come face-to-face.

They’ve spent the past week separated from each other and the space has allowed them both time to ruminate far too much about perceived slights. Countless hours have been dedicated to rehearsing imaginary arguments, where they each tell the other what they truly think.

“I’ve got some iconic lines that will go down in history as memorable,” Jacqui teases to us about the vows she has written. “I think Ryan will be lost for words.”

Now, it’s time to let it all out.

Ryan uses his vows to call Jacqui a “high maintenance nightmare” with an online shopping addiction who can’t cook.

Then he mocks her bed hair.

“I like your gorgeous hair … Even when it was a tangled mess in the morning,” he says.

We love when the couples get bitter and use their final vows as a chance to roast each other. Of course, Ryan’s speech wouldn’t be complete if he didn’t dredge up the “crazy eyes” insult again.

“I will be walking away from this relationship. For that, and for saying you have crazy eyes, I am sorry,” he concludes.

He then laughs in her face.

She’s gonna punch his teeth into alignment. Picture: Channel 9.

It’s now time for Jacqui to deliver Ryan’s mid-year performance review. She says he doesn’t achieve basic KPIs. Then she begins to suggest he check into a rehab facility for men who don’t know how to do anything properly.

“I’m not a rehabilitation centre for a man-”

Ryan scoffs before she can finish the sentence.

“That’s ridiculous – but go on,” he interrupts.

Jacqui glares. “Don’t call my final vows ridiculous.”

Proving her vows are not ridiculous, Jacqui decides it’s the perfect opportunity to showcase her expertise in biology.

“Ryan, in a world of red flags, you are the red carpet. While I love it when your big biceps pick me up and hug me and throw me in the pool, they’ll never be the reason I get pregnant,” she says. “Goodbye.”

We assume the remark about bicep pregnancies is one of her “iconic lines that will go down in history”. At the very least, it could go in a textbook about sexual health. Before we can even wrap our heads around it, Jacqui is striding through the jungle towards the limo Hummer.

Her prediction that Ryan would be lost for words is incorrect. He heckles her as she dodges wild fern fronds and scuttles over moss-covered rocks.

“Goodbye and thanks for all the criticism,” he shouts. “You really haven’t grown, not one bit! Be gone with you, you horrible woman! Be gone with you!”

The happy ending we all earned. Picture: Channel 9.

His voice continues to echo around the swampland.

“That was utterly disgusting! Jacqui is so full of shit. Who the f**k do you think you are!” he yells. “You’re a liar, you’re deceitful, you’re manipulative. Pathetic!”

With just two episodes left of this series, it only seems appropriate to say: Be gone, horrible TV show! Be gone!

Facebook: @hellojamesweir

Originally published as James Weir recaps Married At First Sight episode 38: ‘Be gone with you, horrible woman! Be gone!’