James Weir recaps Married At First Sight episode 36 | Bold call: ‘Anyone would die to be with me!’

Just days out from MAFS ending, this wife finally snaps and launches into a rant that she has been wanting to deliver all season. James Weir recaps.

‘I’m a caaaaatch!’ Picture: Channel 9.

A Married At First Sight wife publicly declares “anyone would die” to date her, which is a remarkable display of self-confidence for someone who had to audition for a humiliating reality show where a team of casting directors were tasked with locating a man who’d be willing to enter a relationship with her.

The bold call is made at Wednesday night’s final dinner party – a precursor to the final vows and, finally, the finale.

Meanwhile, in a low moment of desperation, an under siege husband does the only thing he can do: fake cry.

JAMES WEIR:Read all the recaps here

We’re nearing the end. There’s simply no more to say. Producers have squeezed the MAFS freaks dry and now they’re nothing but empty husks, ready to be discarded. Everything is going according to plan.

Carina and Paul still aren’t talking, after he accepted the challenge set by the experts and went on a date with his backup bride. At the cocktail party, the experts pretend to be shocked that the awful task they personally invented has caused such trouble.

Producers ensure Carina arrives first, so she can rally the troops and turn everyone against Paul, whose Uber is doing endless laps around the block to guarantee he arrives last.

When he eventually stumbles into the dinner party, Carina yells “CHARGE!” and the other contestants attack, even though most of them also took part in this week’s challenge and went on dates with their bargain bin backup partners.

“It just feels like they’re only focusing on all the things I did wrong,” Paul says.

His rap sheet includes punching a wall, calling Carina a “snob” and dobbing on her for talking trash about her co-stars. This latest misdemeanour with his backup bride is the final straw.

“I can’t really look at you the same way,” Carina says. “You have disrespected me and yourself and my family.”

She regrets ever licking melted chocolate of this man’s nipple!

Then, she screams a line that will go down in the MAFS history books.

“I’m a catch! Anyone would die to be with me!” she shrieks. “I’m a catch, and that’s that. Sorry, I’m a catch.”

We don’t wish to be disparaging about the esteemed franchise that is Married At First Sight but, for the purpose of fair and balanced reporting, it should be noted the televised freakshow is usually used as a last port of call for people who can’t snag a date in the real world.

Just a few more days and these freaks are finally out of our lives. Picture: Channel 9.

With nothing left to do, Paul takes a leaf out of Jacqui’s book and tries to fake cry. We all watch on awkwardly as he sniffles and squints and rubs his eyes, trying to squeeze out one or two tears.

Jacqui, please help him out with some tips. Picture: Channel 9.

All of this drama from the former golden couple makes Jacqui feel elated. She gleefully watches Carina and Paul fall apart and then interrupts to tell everyone about how great her marriage is with Ryan.

Are they looking to move in together after the experiment? Actually, it seems like they’re going to go one step further. Jacqui indicates they’re looking into purchasing a Jim’s Mowing franchise.

“In life, the grass may look greener,” she says smugly. “But the question is whether you want to go into the grass and whether you actually want to move to that grass. And that’s what marriage is about. You know, I’m going to admire that green grass over there, but that’s not my grass. My grass is here. And, as they say, the grass isn’t greener on the other side – the grass is greener where you water it. We’re still watering our grass and it’s growing.”

We have the sudden urge to rip up her grass and replace it with bitumen.

Get off my lawn. Picture: Channel 9.

Facebook: @hellojamesweir