Bachelor in Paradise grand finale recap: WHO GOT ENGAGED? REAL LIFE ENGAGED!
FINALE RECAP: At four separate, very romantically named “commitment ceremonies” our Bachelor in Paradise couples were forced to decide if they want to stay together, even when they’re sober.
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WELL it’s here folks, the Bachelor in Paradise finale that, to be honest, we’ve all wanted for a while now since everyone paired up and got boring.
First of all, catch the hell up gang.
EPISODE 14: THEY’RE DROPPIN LIKE FLIES
Personally, I think it’d be thrilling TV for them each to be faced with a game of “Bonk, marry, kill,” but instead they just have to decide if they want to see each other in real life.
Where alcohol costs REAL MONEY and mundane things like washing cups properly and brushing your teeth in an annoying way are suddenly a thing.
“Omg Osher’s jacket is beautiful,” my friend texts me the second he appears on
screen. So that’s just an idea of how much this show has overtaken my life.
He explains that it’s decision time for Pink Boi + Keira, Jake (formerly the Snake) + Megan, Tarz + Sammy and Sexy Squidward + Ali.
There’s STRONGLY hinted to be an engagement and realistically it could be any of these psychos — Pink Boi has a penchant for overcomitting, Ali has already agreed to move to LA, Sammy and Tarz are perfect (and probably don’t think things through) — the only ones who are a definite not it is Jake and Megan.
There’s a lot of backtracking footage, Osher dramatically voice over-ing, jamming in last minute footage of Fiji they haven’t used yet but are contractually obliged to — I’m not going over it all again. Read the recaps.
So let’s get into it.
Omg guys I’m fairly certain they all got to stay in private cabanas last night. That is juicy as hell. I heard everyone was banging in the showers anyway (no cameras) (that they know of hey Osh ya dirty dawg). Anyway Sammy and Tarz are freaking out over leaving each other for half an hour, they’re definitely staying together. I’d even go as far to say I’d bet my first born child on it.
Grant and Ali cradle each other in the tiniest infinity pool I’ve ever seen. They are obsessed with each other but as I’ve said, they’re non-existent on each other’s ’Grams so they don’t last. If it’s not on social media it’s not love, everyone knows that.
But we are reminded Grant proposed on the American Bachelor in Paradise so maybe he’s just a serial proposer. Loves poppin’ questions like I love poppin’ bottles. Fiend for it!
Pink Boi says a few questionable things. “Undestructable” is one of them. “I finally got the girl I deserve,” is another. “My mind is thinking,” is another.
Maybe that brain has finally overheated. Keira is expressing a bit of anxiety for the real world, I reckon if Pink Boi proposed she’d laugh in his flamingo-hued face. She wants to hear the “L” word. Lesbian. She wants Jarrod to admit he is a lesbian.
Oh wait no, it’s love. But Jarrod has beach-reality-show-finale-PTSD and won’t have his heart broken again, no matter how hard she goads him into saying it.
On to the least likely couple, Megan and Jake. Jake sits there pouring his heart out, saying how crazy he is about her and she sits there like “K”.
She’s having fidelity fears. It’s not very magical. But as I have also mentioned she’s been on the GC lately. She’s saying she doesn’t think they should even do the commitment ceremony! Another friend texts: “I reckon Jake wanted to propose with a free ring because he’s a cheapskate,” and LOL my friends are savage. He does seem genuinely devo though. Ah well I think they get back together.
Keira and Jarrod are up. Keira zips up her dress, which I commend, because my dresses either don’t zip up or I dislocate a shoulder trying. She slips on a ring which is a) certifiably hideous and b) most likely some kind of clue in a future Dan Brown novel.
Pink Boi is gushing to Osher about how kind Keira is (HAVE YOU MET KEIRA M8) and how she tells him when burgers are ready. So it’s love. But in all seriousness (so not much) they’re both planning on exchanging “L” bombs. Keira already has a big filthy ring so I doubt there’ll be a proposal but it’ll be a big step for them both.
After a very well spoken, albeit lengthy, speech he says it! She nearly collapses! He gives her a little commitment ring and anything is better than that other monstrosity. She didn’t say it back though! She is hyperventilating though, in her defence, and she still has a speech to come.
She’s nailing her speech as well what the hell. How do people speak this long without saying “um” or swearing or getting distracted by a dog walking past. SHE SAYS IT BACK! She slides a ring on his finger while proclaiming “YOU GOT FAT FINGERS,” like she didn’t find that out last night. You horny teens!
So that’s two down, two to go. FORTY MINUTES LEFT ARE YOU KIDDING ME. Jesus.
Grant and Ali are up. They’re both telling the camera how much they love each other. In short, they bloody froth each other. These two are frothier than a badly poured schooner. She is absolutely fangin’ for a ring and he’s got one. Sorry I’ve started talking like a yobbo at your local cricket club and now I can’t stop.
So these two are completely being set up for at the very least, staying together. At most, getting engaged. They’re not even bothering with faux drama. Ali spurts a bunch of lovey dovey cliches, it’s like a tropical Notting Hill. She mentions raising children together and he says me too! See they just as crazy as each other. She presents him with a commitment ring. They smooch.
His turn. “Ali, when I look into your eyes, my world stops,” and yes I feel the same but not in the good way. It’s been 8.37pm for a while now. She is begging for this ring. He really sets it up for a proposal, he’s saying forever bla bla bla, I’ve got this ring for you bla bla bla ... and when he says commitment ring her face DROPS. Hits the ground.
She gathers herself pretty quickly because to be fair he didn’t break up with her but still, she’s shattered. I mean eventually I think he breaks up with her because they’re totes not together now and I want to know what happened so badly.
This just leaves one couple, who may or may not be the only reason I believe in soulmates. Or could also be one of those cases where siblings get separated at birth then accidentally get married and have kids then find out later and they’re like “Ohh that’s why we clicked so well, you’re me”. Voiceovers, contemplative looks, Sammy examines a VERY engagementy looking ring sitting under a tree.
“Every day and moments within every day, I’ve fallen deeper in love. She’s my girl.” Sammy says, as collective “Awwws” ring out across the country as girlfriends and wives elbow their partners for not being as cute as Sammy.
HE CONFIRMS HE’S GOING TO PROPOSE.
Sammy smiles at Tarz approaching! I smile at Sammy smiling at Tarz! Tarz smiles! I smile at Tarz smiling back at Sammy smiling at her! She speaks beautifully and from the heart, saying they can learn how to be pig people together (actually maybe she says big people ... that makes more sense).
“You’re incredible, you’re everything I’ve been looking for for a very long time.” Oh my gosh Sammy is making me tear up. THE INSTRUMENTAL CRESCENDO. THE BREEZE. THE WORDS. IT’S GETTING ME. “I adore you, I’m proud of you,” he continues.
“You take my breath away all the time just with a look. I was really scared today but as soon as I see you I’m OK.” He gets down, tears in his eyes and asks her to marry him.
They embrace, a cluster of tears, smudged make-up and matted hair.
CAN CONFIRM: Sammy and Tarz are still engaged, Keira moved to Melbourne, Ali moved to LA but it didn’t work out, SHE’S GOING TO BE THE NEXT BACHELORETTE. No word on Jake and Megan, gone but also forgotten.
Well done Bachelor in Paradise. Well done Osher. And most of all, well done me. It’s been tough, but I made it through.
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