Bachelor in Paradise episode 15 recap: Commitment ceremony eve

TOMORROW the Bachelor in Paradise couples will be forced to decide their fate together, so today we watch their panic make-out sessions and try to guess who’s “DUN IT”.

IT’S the eve of the finale and after last week’s mass exodus where seven out of 15 contestants bailed, five of those voluntarily, all we’re left with is four happy couples.

Heads up, if you want to drink yourself into a coma, take a shot every time someone touches lips.

Pink Boi and Keira decided they’re officially boyfriend and girlfriend last episode, Ali and Grant have exchanged I love you’s (not the correct grammar but yous makes me uncomfortable) and Ali said she would die for Grant, which just blows my mind. Jake and Megan have been through the ringer and made it out in one piece so they’re solid and lastly, Sammy and Tarz are possibly the happiest, most perfectly suited couple I’ve seen my whole life.

So what drama can they possible extract from this episode?

EPISODE 14: THEY’RE DROPPIN LIKE FLIES

EPISODE 13: GUESS WHO’S BACK?

EPISODE 12: THE DIRTY DOZEN

“I just love staring into Jarrod’s big green eyes ...” what eyes.

Seems like we’re doing a summary of each couple’s relationships and Pink Boi and Keira are first. Keira put up a post on purveyor of truth, Instagram, confirming they’re still together so I think it’s all a wee bit unnecessary. They keep saying gross stuff like “I could kiss you all day,” “I feel so safe in your arms,” “You’re bootiful,” and “Hey wanna see Pink Boi junior?”.

Is this some kind of Tantric sex thing? I’ve heard people in Byron do this.

It continues for way too long and I skip forward. Sorry if I’ve missed anything (I definitely haven’t).

Next up is Grant and Ali and I am desperate for them to discuss the whole “WE LIVE ON DIFFERENT CONTINENTS” thing. Minor detail. They jump on this side-by-side version of a tandem bicycle because GUYS you can’t hold hands on a traditional tandem!

“I will DIE if we’re not touching at all times.”

And if you can’t hold hands then you might as well DIE. Sorry I skip again, there are no serious chats going on here. Instagram is again an interesting source of information because Ali and Grant are not following each other and there is no trace of them on each other’s feed. Even Leah makes a cameo on Grant’s Instagram.

Peak embarrassing. PEAK.

While they hit peak tourist, flashbacks of how dang happy they are play and I just know this is building to THE QUESTION. I skip. Again, I have no way of knowing but I’m extremely confident I haven’t missed anything important.

HERE WE GO BOYS. Grant says it and it’s just assumed it’ll be Ali moving to LA, not him moving to ‘Straya. She’s considering it, despite her job and friends being here, obviously. But it’s worth it for a boy you’ve known for two weeks girl!

Quiz mode: Activated.

Despite her being pretty open to the idea he still says he doesn’t want to see one teeny drop of doubt in her eyes. “Do you think you’d want to take things slow with me, or move quite fast?” he quizzes and I know a trick question when I see one and that’s a trick question. What about a “medium pace” you psycho? That exists too! But she somehow passes the test and says she wants to be together forever, she wants babies and a husband and he seems pleased. Suddenly I have a new strategy for attracting boys. Wish me luck!

*Takes shot* *Sends group text proclaiming I’m ready for children and marriage* *Waits for inevitable success*

OK, halfway through and still no drama.

Oh thank God, Sammy and Tarz are next. These guys make me happy. They’re hiking up some stairs and I just KNOW they both just want to smash a McDouble and a beer. They’re throwing out ily’s left right and centre.

They’re so in love they share everything, including a tongue.

We are reminded of their story, Tara was not at all interested in Sam then they both got ditched by their love interests (Keira and Socceroo, respectively. Feels like a lifetime ago) and FINALLY receive confirmation that Tara knows how ridiculous Sam’s hair is. It’s just further proof that their love is unconditional.

She calls it a “frullet” and yep that’s the one.

They have a little cooking date, it’s adorable of course. Sam is nervous ‘cause he can’t cook, Tarz is supportive still saying he must just have a bad knife.

However, Sam is nervous about it all ending and if they’ve gotten caught up in the whole experience.

“I can’t wait to cook for you,” Tarz says. “I can’t wait to eat for you,” Sammy replies. GOALS.

It’s a fair enough concern because haven’t we all had a holiday boyfriend or weekend boyfriend or even a boyfriend-for-a-night but then reality hits and it’s like your beer goggles come off and he’s just got whoops written all over him. Hypothetically speaking of course. But these two will be sweet. My spidey senses tell me they’ll be juuuust fine. I think they might even be different people forever … this whole experience has changed their entire opinion of love and relationships. He’s talking mum and wife and she’s loving it. Tellin’ ya, wedding bells.

I like to think zoom doesn’t exist on cameras and a middle-aged man is actually filming that close to their faces while they make out.

Lastly is Jake and Megan, and again we’re reminded of their story, which infuriated me for the majority of the show but Jake redeemed himself. His woman did have a steamy night with a tank-top wearing Canadian (I giggle in glee as I write).

It looks like Megan is Weekend at Bernies-ing Jake ... why his body so limp?!

Now, interestingly, Jake and Megan weren’t following each other for a while during the show but it might be a red herring, they are back on the follow train and Megan posted a distinctly GC photo two days ago. If there are any detective agencies who would like a new recruit I am available.

Megan is saying she doesn’t know if Jake is the right guy for her and again I giggle! She says she needs more time, she’s going travelling and she knows how much he loves the single party boy life so she’s not sure she can trust him. Don’t worry luv half the Gold Coast thinks he’s a bit of a joke anyway.

Something about the way he sits that just screams lady slayer!!!!!!!!!!

Regardless, he promises her 100 per cent he can be trusted. She’s still struggling because she doesn’t love him, BUT, he’s falling for her. If she hadn’t uploaded that GC pic I wouldn’t be so sure about the two of them.

Jake: I love you. Megan: *Read at 7.12pm*

Anyway, that’s about it. They probably could have tacked on another half-hour to the end of this episode and just wrapped it all up because it’s not enthralling television at the moment. They should force them to do a couple swap or something just to spice it up, Channel 9 would do it.